The Blondes and the Genie
There are three blondes standing on an island. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a redhead and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a brunette. The brunette woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Blonde Truisms??
She spent twenty minutes looking' at an orange juice box because it said concentrate.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make-up her mind.
She told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thinks socialism means partying.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says, "Sign Here" she put Sagittarius.
She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
She invented a solar powered flashlight.
When she saw the "NC-17" (Under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home to get 16 friends.
When she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport left"; she turned around and went home.
And then there was the one about the blonde who starved to death in the shower. Apparently, the shampoo instructions on the bottle said "Lather. Rinse. Repeat."...
Quickies
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
Q. How do you know a blonde is having a bad day. A. Her tampon is behind her
ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q.What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A. A brunette with bad
breath.
The Angry Blonde
A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and, sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. She becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out the gun to shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief. She puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend yells "Honey, don't do it." She replies "Shut up, you're next."
Head and Shoulders
A blonde and a brunette were sitting on the park bench when the brunette said, "My boyfriend used to have dandruff but then I gave him head and shoulders". The blonde said, "How do you give a man shoulders?"
What did Santa say when he saw the three blondes? Ho Ho Ho
Glossary of Blonde Medicine
Artery...............................Study of paintings
Bacteria.............................Back door of a cafeteria
Barium...............................What doctors do when a patient dies
Bowel................................A letter like A,E,I,O,U
Caesarian Section....................A district in Rome
Cataract.............................Weird pontoon boat
Cat Scan.............................Searching for a Kitty
Cauterize............................Made eye contact with her
Colic................................A sheep dog
Coma.................................A punctuation mark
Congenital...........................Friendly
D & C ...............................Where Washington is
Dilate...............................To live long
Enema................................Not a Friend
Fester...............................Quicker
Fibula...............................Small Lie
Genital..............................Non-Jewish
G.I. Series..........................Soldier Ball Game
Hangnail.............................To Hang Pictures on
Impotent.............................Distinguished; well known
Labor Pain...........................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff........................Doctor's Cane
Morbid...............................Higher Offer
Nitrate..............................Different then Day Rate
Node.................................Was aware of
Outpatient...........................Person who has fainted
Papsmear.............................Fatherhood Test
Pelvis...............................Cousin of Elvis
Postperative.........................letter Carrier
Prostrate............................Flat on your back
Recovery Room........................Place to do upholstery
Rectum...............................Damn near killed him
Secretion............................Hiding something
Seizure..............................Roman Emperor
Tablet...............................Small table
Terminal Illness.....................Getting sick at the Airport.
Tibia................................Country in North Africa
Tumor................................Add a couple more
Urine................................Opposite of "You're Out"
Varicose.............................Near by
Vein.................................Conceited
Unusual Defense
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Strange Sex
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant. The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"
The Perfect Defense
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"
Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them.", replied the man.
"What?" shouted the lawyer?
"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
The Old Witness
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A Simple Mistake
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
THE BILL OF NO RIGHTS
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the World is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VII:
You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Hit and Run
There once was a trucker, and he hated lawyers. Every time he saw one he turned off the road and <BUMP> he hit him. One day he saw the Pope at the side of the road next to a broken down car. The trucker pulled over and gave the Pope a ride. Then the trucker saw a lawyer so he turned off the road to hit him but then he remembered that the Pope was with him so he turned back on the road but he still heard a <BUMP>. The trucker said "Oh my! I am so sorry sir! I didn't mean to hit him!'' "It's okay," Said the Pope " I saw that you weren't going to hit him so I got him with the door!"
Introducing a House Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys
PC 370.00
370.01 -Any person with a valid State Rodent or Snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
370.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
370.03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
370.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
370.05 -It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE," or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
370.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships except on Wednesday afternoons.
370.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals, or brothels.
370.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
370.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
370.10 Bag Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders -2
Two-faced tortfeasors -1
Back-stabbing divorce litigators -3
Horn-rimmed cutthroats -2
Minutiae-advocating chickens-4
Honest attorneys PROTECTED (Endangered Species)
A Quick Narrative
I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la. I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this asshole, over aerobicized woman jumps in from of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you fucking idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "asshole" at me again. Twice? Fuck that. I turn around and drive up next to her. "Do you have a problem?" I ask. "Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?" "I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly." "You were speeding. I watched you." "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.) "I heard you." "So, you measured my speed by ear?" "I can hear." " How fast did you HEAR me going?" "Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down." THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. "What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision. "Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks. She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal. " I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn. "These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, " I told the cop, " Which makes them street legal as a replacement." Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this asshole?" The cop says, "No, I am not." I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that left the street at the corner, and she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense." "What?" The cop looks confused. "Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense." The cop says, " But, I didn't see any of this." "But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street." The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! OF course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me. Yea, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God. SO DON'T PISS OFF A LAWYER
Legal Quotes
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: " You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood?"
Land Rights
Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral. The title for the property in question was complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the VA. He soon received a reply from the VA.: "We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can a be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year." Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.: "Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803: a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase. b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800). c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain. d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles - almost as careful as the V.A.- took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage. e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world. f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created title that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original holder of the property in question.
There are three blondes standing on an island. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a redhead and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a brunette. The brunette woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Blonde Truisms??
She spent twenty minutes looking' at an orange juice box because it said concentrate.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make-up her mind.
She told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thinks socialism means partying.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says, "Sign Here" she put Sagittarius.
She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
She invented a solar powered flashlight.
When she saw the "NC-17" (Under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home to get 16 friends.
When she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport left"; she turned around and went home.
And then there was the one about the blonde who starved to death in the shower. Apparently, the shampoo instructions on the bottle said "Lather. Rinse. Repeat."...
Quickies
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
Q. How do you know a blonde is having a bad day. A. Her tampon is behind her
ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q.What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A. A brunette with bad
breath.
The Angry Blonde
A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and, sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. She becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out the gun to shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief. She puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend yells "Honey, don't do it." She replies "Shut up, you're next."
Head and Shoulders
A blonde and a brunette were sitting on the park bench when the brunette said, "My boyfriend used to have dandruff but then I gave him head and shoulders". The blonde said, "How do you give a man shoulders?"
What did Santa say when he saw the three blondes? Ho Ho Ho
Glossary of Blonde Medicine
Artery...............................Study of paintings
Bacteria.............................Back door of a cafeteria
Barium...............................What doctors do when a patient dies
Bowel................................A letter like A,E,I,O,U
Caesarian Section....................A district in Rome
Cataract.............................Weird pontoon boat
Cat Scan.............................Searching for a Kitty
Cauterize............................Made eye contact with her
Colic................................A sheep dog
Coma.................................A punctuation mark
Congenital...........................Friendly
D & C ...............................Where Washington is
Dilate...............................To live long
Enema................................Not a Friend
Fester...............................Quicker
Fibula...............................Small Lie
Genital..............................Non-Jewish
G.I. Series..........................Soldier Ball Game
Hangnail.............................To Hang Pictures on
Impotent.............................Distinguished; well known
Labor Pain...........................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff........................Doctor's Cane
Morbid...............................Higher Offer
Nitrate..............................Different then Day Rate
Node.................................Was aware of
Outpatient...........................Person who has fainted
Papsmear.............................Fatherhood Test
Pelvis...............................Cousin of Elvis
Postperative.........................letter Carrier
Prostrate............................Flat on your back
Recovery Room........................Place to do upholstery
Rectum...............................Damn near killed him
Secretion............................Hiding something
Seizure..............................Roman Emperor
Tablet...............................Small table
Terminal Illness.....................Getting sick at the Airport.
Tibia................................Country in North Africa
Tumor................................Add a couple more
Urine................................Opposite of "You're Out"
Varicose.............................Near by
Vein.................................Conceited
Unusual Defense
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Strange Sex
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant. The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"
The Perfect Defense
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"
Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them.", replied the man.
"What?" shouted the lawyer?
"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
The Old Witness
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A Simple Mistake
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
THE BILL OF NO RIGHTS
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the World is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VII:
You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Hit and Run
There once was a trucker, and he hated lawyers. Every time he saw one he turned off the road and <BUMP> he hit him. One day he saw the Pope at the side of the road next to a broken down car. The trucker pulled over and gave the Pope a ride. Then the trucker saw a lawyer so he turned off the road to hit him but then he remembered that the Pope was with him so he turned back on the road but he still heard a <BUMP>. The trucker said "Oh my! I am so sorry sir! I didn't mean to hit him!'' "It's okay," Said the Pope " I saw that you weren't going to hit him so I got him with the door!"
Introducing a House Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys
PC 370.00
370.01 -Any person with a valid State Rodent or Snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
370.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
370.03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
370.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
370.05 -It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE," or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
370.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships except on Wednesday afternoons.
370.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals, or brothels.
370.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
370.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
370.10 Bag Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders -2
Two-faced tortfeasors -1
Back-stabbing divorce litigators -3
Horn-rimmed cutthroats -2
Minutiae-advocating chickens-4
Honest attorneys PROTECTED (Endangered Species)
A Quick Narrative
I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la. I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this asshole, over aerobicized woman jumps in from of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you fucking idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "asshole" at me again. Twice? Fuck that. I turn around and drive up next to her. "Do you have a problem?" I ask. "Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?" "I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly." "You were speeding. I watched you." "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.) "I heard you." "So, you measured my speed by ear?" "I can hear." " How fast did you HEAR me going?" "Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down." THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. "What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision. "Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks. She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal. " I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn. "These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, " I told the cop, " Which makes them street legal as a replacement." Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this asshole?" The cop says, "No, I am not." I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that left the street at the corner, and she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense." "What?" The cop looks confused. "Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense." The cop says, " But, I didn't see any of this." "But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street." The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! OF course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me. Yea, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God. SO DON'T PISS OFF A LAWYER
Legal Quotes
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: " You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood?"
Land Rights
Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral. The title for the property in question was complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the VA. He soon received a reply from the VA.: "We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can a be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year." Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.: "Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803: a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase. b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800). c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain. d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles - almost as careful as the V.A.- took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage. e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world. f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created title that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original holder of the property in question.
