Sex
Three women were talking about their love
lives.
The first said "My husband is like a
Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said "Mine is like a Porsche; fast
and powerful."
The third said "Mine is like an old Chevy. It
needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."
* * *
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I'm not gay but I want to
compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question
though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously
fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I
got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that
it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and
it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I
looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog
turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3
wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body
like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I
was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She
then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful
body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream."
She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later,
as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she
whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I
looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
* * *
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The
waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and I can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty
fork from a previous customer and I'll order from that." A little confused, the
owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns
to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his
nose and takes a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meat loaf and
mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards
the kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what
just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. The owner thinks the
blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife that the next time the
blind man comes in he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but
this time the owner sees him coming and runs into the kitchen. He tells his
wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and
sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir. This time I
remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts
the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "I didn't know Mary worked
here."
* * *
A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has
difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the
shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on
the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips
his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and
stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the
pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't
afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
* * *
A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The
patrolman told him to get out of the truck and noticed that the driver appeared
to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that
the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see
you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I
was fucked."
* * *
A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball
right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally
got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next
week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have
to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be
okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little
4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy
mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night
in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of
breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said,You'll be the first;
no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Look at
this. It's still in the CRATE.
* * *
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most
adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go
home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says,
"I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't
tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from
work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands
him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the
boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front
door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman
immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real
father a big hug."
* * *
A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a
bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account
because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his
office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of
course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am,
where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The
president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for
example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the
president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old
lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the
president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said,
"Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me
tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the
mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the
president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his
pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said
the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely
sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She
replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have
the Bank president's balls in my hand!"
* * *
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy
standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there,
taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to
take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him
out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks,
"Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it
out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds
of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks
something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for
him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob,
"Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the
hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says,
"I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
* * *
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him
that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll
need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number,
etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much
too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No,
that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the
woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken
farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over
5,000 cocks last year."
* * *
One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his
father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I'll tell you what,"
said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth
of what's what." Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into
town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what. He
stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist's desk,
held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollar's worth of what's what, please."
The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said,
"If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front
porch, they can get you some what's what." Tommy ran across the street and
knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the
door. Her pussy was right in little Tommy's face. Pointing to it he said,
"what's that?" "What's what?" the whore replied. "Good, I'll take a dollar's
worth."
* * *
There's this guy who's in the market for a used
motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads
in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful
classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to
find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike
is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good
shape." "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the
bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects
it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of
Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." So the guy buys the bike and off he
goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's
ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to
his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and
figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the
girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you
something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No
problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in
the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family
room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact,
everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no
one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage
of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a
word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her
parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend,
strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one
says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom
and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to
rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the
Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right,
all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
* * *
An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They
visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle.
After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's the
problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my
right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her
left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still
can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."
* * *
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her
apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is
that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put
my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing
what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try
it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart.
"What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says.
So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets
up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy
says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy
!!!"
* * *
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of
the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure
out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush
and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All
of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand
why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him
and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever
saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I
ran."
* * *
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on
a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought
he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he
didn't much like the idea of her sleeping someone else. So he went to a store
that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the
dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to
the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating
dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will
keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man
asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I
don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" The old man reached
under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box. He opened it, and there lay
a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It
looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you
haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the
door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started
screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack
developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo
dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box
and lay there. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted,
saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy
took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it,
all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip
satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a
few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would
willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She sat on the
bed and spread open her legs. She got the voodoo dick out and laid it on the bed
right in front of her, and said just as her husband has told her: "Voodoo dick,
my pussy!" . The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she
decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her,
still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her
husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the
hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and
started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On
the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled
over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had
to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking,
but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer
looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
* * *
A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price
of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk
replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want
it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his
incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with
automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents,"
came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck
is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk snapped. "But my boss
is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his
business."
* * *
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were
going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son
to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big
dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were
really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother
saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I
saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer
they talked the dumber he got."
* * *
One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor's little girl
entered his house, woke him up and said, "What is that between your legs?" He
replied that is "my bird." He went back to sleep. She came back later and said,
"What's that furry stuff around your bird?" He replied that's "my nest." So he
went back to sleep. She came back later. "What's those two things under it?" He
said those are "the eggs." She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird,and he
said "ok." When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the hospital. He saw
the little girl and asked, "what happened?" She said, "When I was playing with
your bird he spit in my eye so I chopped off his head, burnt down his nest and
busted his eggs!"
* * *
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get
that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and
he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we
make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a
checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How
did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to
Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even
when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in
for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a
girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
* * *
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband
gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns
over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and
I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A
few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he
whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
* * *
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating
peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle
of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a
peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only
pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of
trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to
go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of
the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young
man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose
and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother
and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was
nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something
to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said,
"That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers... our son
in-law!"
* * *
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out
golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9
Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit 9 Iron" He looks at
the frog, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10
inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit Lucky frog" The man
decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?"
the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood" The guy takes out a 3 wood,
and boom! Hole in one. The man is amazed and doesn't know what to say. By the
end of the day, the man had golfed the best
game of golf in his life. Then he asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog
reply's, "Ribbit Las Vegas" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette" Upon approaching the roulette table, the
man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000,
black 6" Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the
man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the
table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.He sits
the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all
this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me" He
figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 17-year-old girl. "And that, your Honor, is
how the girl ended up in my room."
* * *
A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most
sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an
outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This
one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer
that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and
shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His
wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that
the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back
for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing
nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like
it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
* * *
One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for
lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads
upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his
father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother,
also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the
boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a
couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of
course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes
his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey,
"this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
* * *
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to
his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up
we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she
thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke
his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up
we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled
over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You
know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the
poolman and your brother.
* * *
Little Johnny was in trouble again.....He was charged
with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly
improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming. As a last desperate move, the
defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's
pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see. "Ladies and gentlemen,"
the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that
such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more agitated
he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let
alone the rape of a fully grown woman." "WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One
more shake and you'll lose the case!"
* * *
Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball
game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops.
"You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we
went all the way," he pleads. "Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I
heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us." The boy
stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll
stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what
we're really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and
get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds
echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop
playing.
"Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"
* * *
There once was a man who lost his arms in a car accident.
One day he won a million dollar lottery. After a moment of thought, he rushed to
the hospital and asked their top surgeon whether he could get his arms back for
a million dollars. "Wow," the doctor replied, "I just invented a completely
voice activated mechanical arm, but I can only give you one though." So he
showed him some of the stuff the arm could do and the man was amazed and bought
the arm. The next day he went to the pub with his friends to show off his new
advanced arm. As they sat together he told the arm to pick up his pint of beer
and give him a sip. The arm did it perfectly and the friends were amazed. After
a few pints the man went for a piss. He told the arm to take his penis out and
away he pissed. Then he tells the arm to, "give it a little shake". The arm does
and the man seemed to over-enjoy it, and so he looks around to make sure no one
is looking and tells the arm to give it another little shake. He gets a boner
and once again turns around to make sure nobody's watching and then tells the
arm, "jerk it off!" The arm pulls off his penis and the man screams out, in
pain, "Fuck Me!" So the arm then shoves his penis up his ass. The man even more
shocked at this stage shouts out, "Holy shit, would you look at that." The arm
pulls his penis out of his ass and shoves it right into one of his eyeballs!
* * *
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find
out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on
them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that
he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie
walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small
white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't
figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what
that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said,
"but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but
this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy
fainted and the man next door shot himself."
