PENSION

The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing, but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve the tedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No. 98,325,423, based his application for succor upon an "injury to leg due to the kick of a vicious horse" in the service and line of duty, etc.

This was formally insufficient, and the bureau advised to claimant to this effect, directing him to state: "which leg was injured by the alleged kick of a vicious horse."

The reply came promptly:

"My leg!"

PEACEMAKER

The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your brains out!"

"It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I stepped in between them."

Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with excitement. Now, he burst forth:

"I guess he couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, pa?"

PEACE

The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on the headstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows:

"Thou are at rest, until we meet again."

PATRIOTISM

The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderful experiences in the metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in his local loyalty, for at the end he cried out proudly:

"But, for real pleasure, gi'e me Peebles!"

* * *

There is no doubting the strong patriotism of the schoolboy who is the hero of this tale, although he may have been weak on history. During an examination in general history, he was asked:

"Who was the first man?"

He answered proudly, even enthusiastically, without any hesitation:

"George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts——"

But the teacher interrupted ruthlessly:

"Wrong! Adam was the first man."

The boy sniffed disgustedly.

"Oh!" he retorted. "I didn't know you were talking about foreigners."

* * *

The troops had been marching through a sea of mud for hours, when at last they were lined up for inspection before a general. In the evolution, a young cavalryman who had enlisted was thrown from his horse into the muck, from which he emerged in a dreadful state, though uninjured except in his feelings. The general himself, who had witnessed the incident, rode up, and preserving his gravity with some effort inquired of the trooper if he had suffered any hurt from the fall. "Naw," was the disgusted reply. "But if I ever love a country agin, you can kick me!"

PASTORAL

Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as compiled by a young curate:

"Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures, of which 16 were on secular and all the rest on religious subjects; made 39 addresses, of which all but 27 were on matters most nearly touching the vital religious concerns of the church,read aloud in church 156 chapters of the Bible, 149 of which were very long ones; made pastoral calls, 312; took tea on such occasions, 312 times; distributed 804 tracts; visited the sick several times; sat on the platform at temperance and other public meetings 47 times; had the headache Sabbath mornings, and so was compelled to appear in a condition of physical pain, nervous prostration and bodily distress that utterly unfitted him for public preaching, 104 times; picnics attended, 10; dinners, 37; suffered from attacks of malignant dyspepsia, 37 times; read 748 hymns; instructed the choir in regard to the selection of tunes, 1 time; had severe cold, 104 times; sore throat, 104 times; malaria, 104 times; wrote 3120 pages of sermons; declined invitations to tea, 1 time; started the tune in prayer meeting, 2 times; started the wrong tune, 2 times; sung hymns that nobody else knew, 2 times; received into church membership, 3; dismissed by letter, 49; expelled, 16; lost, strayed, or stolen, 137."

PARADOX

The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the church along with the crowd that had attended the services:

"If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their seats till everyone else has gone out, there would not be such a crush at the doors."

* * *

Two friends from Ireland on a tour occupied the same bedchamber in a country inn. During the night a fearful storm raged. John spoke of it in the morning while the two men were dressing.

"Did it rain?" Dennis asked in surprise.

"Rain!" John exclaimed. "It was a deluge, and the lightnin' was blindin' and the thunder was deafenin'. Sure, I never heard the like."

"For the love of Hivvin!" Dennis cried out. "Why didn't yez waken me? Didn't yez know I never can slape whin it thunders!"

OUTWORN

Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby. The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional information:

"Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?"

ORIENTATION

John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to his servant:

"Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off—I heard it splash!"

Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded about blindly in the shallow water, with groping hands. At last, he seized on the laird.

"Why, it's yerself, mon, as fell oof!"

"No, Sandy," the master declared stoutly. "It can't be me—here I am." Then he, added: "But if it is me, get me back on the horse."

Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him up astride. In the dark, the rider was faced the wrong way to.

"Gie me the reins," the master ordered.

Sandy felt about the horse's rump, and, then cried out, clutching the tail:

"It waur the horse's head as fell off—nothin' left but the mane!"

"Gie me the mane, then," the laird directed stolidly. "I must een hae something to hold on."

So, presently, when he had the tail firmly grasped in both hands, and Sandy had mounted, the procession began to move. Whereat, the laird shouted in dismay:

"Haud on, Sandy! It's gaein' the wrang way!"

OPTIMISM

The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus, after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on the ditch, he discovered that he had been careless, and explained to a fellow laborer:

"I've gone and done it now! I left my lunch at home."

Then, suddenly he beamed happily, as he added:

"And it's a good thing I did, for the matter of that, because I left my teeth at home, too."

* * *

The optimist fell from the top story of a skyscraper. As he passed the fourth story, he was overheard muttering:

"So far, so good!"

OPTICAL ILLUSION

The sergeant rebuked the private angrily:

"Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?"

"Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatly surprised.

"No, you ain't," the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reason why."

"Well, now, I guess it must be this way," Jenkins suggested. "There was a dozen of us usin' the same bit of lookin' glass, an' I swan I must have shaved somebody else."

OMEN

The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of lobster. When the waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter explained that this  lobster had been worsted in a fight with another in the kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back his plate.

"Carry him off," he commanded, "and bring me the winner."

OBSTINACY

The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his head.

"Well, what do you think of it, father?" asked the old lady.

"She'll never start," was the firm answer: "she'll never start."

The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive puffed, the train moved slowly at first, then faster. It was disappearing in the distance when the wife inquired slyly:

"Well, pa, what do you think of it now?"

The old man shook his head more violently than before.

"She'll never stop," he asserted; "she'll never stop!"

NOMENCLATURE

The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he described it with enthusiasm, except in one particular:

"They done had something they called gravee. But hit looked like sop, an' hit tasted like sop, an' I believe in my soul 'twar sop!"

* * *

When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded her critically, and then demanded:

"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?"

"Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds stripped for 'gym.'"

The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted:

"Who in thunder is Jim?"

* * *

On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture on the poet Keats in a small town, the president of the local literary society was prevented by illness from introducing the speaker, and the mayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. The amiable gentleman introduced the stranger with his accustomed eloquence, and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with this observation:

"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have often wondered—what are Keats!"

* * *

During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew nothing of the business, was taken on by a furniture house. His mistakes were so bad that the proprietor was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire him after the following episode.

A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the display of bassinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however,and then remarked:

"Where are your sideboards?"

The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied:

"Why—er—I shaved them off last week."

* * *

The lady who had some culture, but not too much, was describing the adventure of her husband,who had been in Messina at the time of the earthquake.

"It was awful," she declared, in tense tones. "When Jim went to bed, everything was perfectly quiet.

And then, when he woke up, all of a sudden, there beside him was a yawning abbess!"

* * *

One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at a newspaper.

"I see," she remarked presently to her companion, "that Mr. So and so, the octogenarian, is dead.

Now, what on earth is an octogenarian anyhow?"

"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea," the other girl replied. "But they're an awful sickly lot. You never hear of one but he's dying."

* * *

A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who asserted to an inquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain.

"What? Never heard of Tom Sawyer?"

"Nope, never heard of him."

"Nor Huck Finn?"

"Nope, never heard of him neither."

"Nor Puddin'head Wilson?"

"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him."

And then he added sadly:

"An' that's all the good it done me."

* * *

The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that he was uncertain as to just what he was:

"I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named me the sextant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man, he says I'm the sacrilege."

NERVES

The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatly tucked in, the little one commented:

"It's temper when it's me an' nerves when it's you."

NIGHTMARE

"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor inquired. "What is it?"

The suffering man answered:

"I dream that I'm married."

"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"

"To my wife," the patient explained. "That's what makes it a nightmare."

The inn-keeper was inclined to take advantage of a particular guest who did not scrutinize the bills rendered. When the clerk mentioned the fact that this guest had complained of a nightmare, the host brightened, and marked down an item of ten dollars charge for livery.

NEIGHBORS

It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the eminent basso to sing.

"It is too late, madam," he protested. "I should disturb your neighbors."

"Not at all," declared the lady, beaming. "Besides, they poisoned our dog last week."

NEATNESS

The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They even remove their shoes at the

doorway. A Japanese student in New York was continually distressed by the dirty hallways of the

building in which he lived. In the autumn, the janitor placed a notice at the entrance, which read:

"Please wipe your feet."

The Japanese wrote beneath in pencil:

"On going out."

MUSIC

Artemas Ward said:

"When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me."

* * *

The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants where music was provided.

"Because it works two ways: sometimes the music helps to make me forget the food, and sometimes the food helps to make me forget the music."

* * *

The young man, who was interested in natural history, was sitting on the porch one June evening with his best girl, who was interested in music. The rhythmic shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from the village church down the street came the sounds of choir practise. The young man gave his attention to the former, the girl to the latter; and presently she spoke eagerly: 

"Oh, don't it sound grand!"

The young man nodded, and answered:

"Yes, indeed! and it's interesting to think that they do it all with their hind legs."

* * *

The boy violinist, played at a private musical, rendering a difficult concerto, which contained some particularly long rests for the soloist: During one of these intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward the performer, and whispered loudly:

"Why don't you play something that you know, my boy?"

* * *

The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the crowded restaurant was compelled to sit, much against his will, next to the orchestra. His stare at the leader as the jazz selection came to an end. The annoyed patron snorted, and then asked:

"Would you be so kind as to play something by request?"

The leader bowed again and beamed.

"Certainly," he replied; "anything you like, sir."

"Then," snapped the patron, "please be good enough to play a game of checkers while I finish my meal."

PERHAPS!

"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he was engaged to marry.

"Of course I am," was the laughing response; "haven't I got a quack?"

* * *

A Northern man in an optician's shop in Nashville overheard an amusing conversation between the proprietor of the establishment and an aged darkey who was just leaving the place with a pair of new spectacles. As the old fellow neared the door his eye lighted upon an extraordinary-looking instrument conspicuously placed upon a counter. The venerable negro paused for several moments to gaze in open-mouthed wonder at this thing, the like of which he had never seen before. After a long struggle with his curiosity he was vanquished. Turning to the optician, he asked: "What is it, boss?" "That is an opthalmometer," replied the optician in his gravest manner. "Sho," muttered the old man to himself, as he backed out of the door, his eyes still fastened upon the curious-looking thing on the counter. "Sho, dat's what I was afeared it was!"

* * *

In many of the rural districts of the United States where money does not circulate with great rapidity services are paid for "in kind." Farmers, for example, will give potatoes, eggs, etc., in payment for debts. A young surgeon who had occasion to operate in one of these districts hopefully approached the husband of the patient and asked for his fee, which amounted to $100. "Doc," said the old man, "I haven't much ready cash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind." "Well, I guess that will be all right," replied the young doctor, cheerfully. "What do you deal in?" "Horseradish, doc," answered the old man.

* * *

The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent storm arose. The ferryman and his mate, both Highlanders, held a consultation, and after a short debate the ferryman turned to his passengers and remarked, anxiously: "We'll just tak' your tuppences now, for we dinna ken what micht come over us."

NO DOUBT

"Lend me ten, Tom."

"I think not."

"You won't?"

"I won't."

"You've no doubt of my character, have you?"

"I haven't."

"Well, why won't you, then?"

"Because I have no doubt of your character."

* * *

Officer (drilling recruits): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do you do?

Recruit: I yell.

Officer: Yell what?

Recruit: Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.

* * *

Doctor (at door, to butler): Tell your master the doctor is here.

Butler: The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving nobody.

* * *

Young Woman (holding out hand): Will you please tell me how to pronounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise or turkwoise?

Jeweler (after inspecting it): The correct pronunciation is "glass."

* * *

Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime for several nights. He didn't like it, and growled to his boss: "You've kept me workin' every night till 9 o'clock for three nights runnin' now, and I'm worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain't no machine. I can't go forever." His boss gave a hard laugh. "Wrong!" he said. "Wrong, my boy. You go forever next pay day."

* * *

The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system of calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud tattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I've got a message for you, sir."

Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a slip of paper bearing the words: "It's time to get up."

* * *

A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected of stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The following dialogue took place:

"You've stolen no chickens?"

"No, sah."

"Have you stolen any geese?"

"No, sah."

"Any turkeys?"

"No, sah."

The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped before the justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo' de Lawd, squire, if you'd said ducks you'd 'a' had me."

* * *

A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see his married sister's new baby.

He seemed more interested in the contents of the baby's basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn't she rather young for that sort of thing?"

THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS

"I can read my husband like a book."

"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."

* * *

"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss."

"What did she say?"

"Will that be all?"

NO KICK COMING

Merchant: Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of its contents.

Agent: Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar?

NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT

The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he remarked in cheering tones:

"Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that's the way in the world."

"I shall never smile again," replied the youth, sadly.

"Nonsense!" ejaculated the vicar.

"There ain't no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It's through smiling at another chap's girl that I'm here now."

TOO TRUE

Screen Actress: I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I cannot act to-day.

Manager: Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a certificate saying that you never could act.

CONSERVATIVE

He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad,square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty in getting what he wanted.

A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.

"No, no! Square toes—must have square toes," he insisted.

"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are fashionable this season."

"I'm sorry," said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to leave the shop. "I'm very sorry to have troubled you, I'm sure. But, you see, I'm still wearing my last season's feet!"

HE HAD HEARD OF THEM

It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour." Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of the Himalayas?"

"Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and George Washington."

* * *

Mr. Goodsole: "Well, what do you want?"

Benny the Bum: "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off'n you? I find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an' I'll harfta warn the traffic to drive aroun' me."

WHAT DID HE MEAN?

A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to do some collecting.

When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he reported:

"Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary."

"Well," said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date to pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"

"Vell, aye tank so," said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day ven you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary."

TRUE TO LIFE

Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his "picter" Ian MacPherson came along.

"What's that ye hev there?" he asked.

"My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o' it?"

"Man, it's fine!" exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. "It's just like ye, tae. An' whit micht the like o' they cost?"

"I dinna' ken," replied Sandy. "I hinna' paid yet."

"Mon," said Ian, more firmly than ever. "It's awful like ye."

WHAT HE PREFERRED

"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the Judge, looking over his goldrimmed spectacles.

"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was owed; "I prefer the cash!"

"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"

"A spade."

"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."

* * *

During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor, and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have a zero on this examination."

"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower than that."

* * *

The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who was tinkering with the pipes.

"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.

"Been in the trade long?"

"'Bout a year, guv'nor."

"Ever made any mistakes?"

"Bless yer, no, guv'nor."

"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire."

* * *

A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile: "I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to——""Out with you," interrupted the man.

"Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles?"

"I should say not!"

"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale," the boy continued.

Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically inquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a thimble?"

Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use it for a hat."

* * *

The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done intentionally.

"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."

"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."

* * *

Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."

BLOOD RELATIONS

Actor: "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"

Fulpurse: "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."

* * *

There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and a cab.

The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: "Oh, well, you can't help it! You're doin' yer bit, you an' yer 'orse and yer blankety cabs all over age!"

"You're doin' yer bit, too, ain't yer?" was the cabby's rejoinder, "a'carrying of two lots o' wood—one in yer cart an' the other under yer blinkin' 'at!"

SCOTCHED!

A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."

"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."

The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's as much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."

"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for all the parritch I have."

THE BRUTE!

Mrs. Newlywed: "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave me, Archie?"

Mr. Newlywed: "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!"

Mrs. Newlywed: "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first."

THE WHOLE TRUTH

Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss.

"Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?"

"Ay," answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' want tae see ye."

THE CONSUMER INFLAMED

"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy.

"Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely.

"Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy.

HOW HE DID IT

First Theatrical Manager: "Do you have any trouble with the girl who is playing the flapper in your new show?"

Second Theatrical Manager: "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenants in the army."

REALITY

A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon.

"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser.

"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the baby; our nurse is ill."

"That's no excuse," said the pastor.

"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see how you like it."

PURE CARELESSNESS

It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.

"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults."

"I have that, mum," replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believe me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves." 

A LEVEL-HEADED CAR

Irate Motorist: "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it was a fine machine!"

Dealer: "I said: 'On the level it's a good car.'"

SUSPICIOUS

It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.

"Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird? Will you swear to him?"

"No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the man I suspect o' doing it."

"That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably nettled. "What raised your suspicions?"

"Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way—I see 'im on my property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im putting the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the bird committed suicide."

A WONDER!

"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.

"That so?" asked Smith.

"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and not have a solitary symptom of some disease."

IN A FIX

Mrs. Muggins: "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her have yours?"

Mr. Muggins: "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband's name on the handle."

SUCKED!

It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the picture palace.

On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; it's so rude when people are about!"

"Don't thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It's my rubber 'eel pads that's causing that noise!"

HALF AND HALF

Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.

Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of withering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up."

The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma'am, if ye was half a woman I would!"

REVENGE IS SWEET

"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry man,the waiters have all been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house doctor was a base hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the pages were cadets."

"And have you any former military police?" he was asked.

"Yes," he replied joyously. "When there's a good stiff wind blowing we set them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!"

NO EFFECT

"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor-car.

Could you swear to the man?"

"I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at me and drove on."

A FUTURE FINANCIER

"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!"

"I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly. "You're a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn't have her think I even mentioned her. Here's an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little lad!"

"I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her that what you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!"

A BAD CASE

"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"

"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he had sat up over an hour trying to think."

"And did he finally remember it?"

"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early."

BLACK SUPERSTITION

Architect: "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"

Quickrich: "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown study."

HALF A DUCK DEEP

Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.

"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.

When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I thought you said it wasn't deep?"

"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to their middles!"

COULDN'T RESIST IT

"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef for sale?"

"I have," responded the butcher.

"And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?"

"It is."

"Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef. Do you think you can sell me a pound or so without asking how I got ornamented?"

"I'll do my best, sir."

The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money without another look at his customer. At the last moment, however, the old Adam proved too strong for him.

"Look here," he said, handing back the cash, "I'll make you a present of the beef. Now tell me all about the fight."

* * *

"Do you know anything about palmistry, Herbert?" she asked.

"Oh, not much," he answered, "although I had an experience last night which might be considered a remarkable example of palmistry. I happened to glance at the hand of a friend, and I immediately predicted he would presently become the possessor of a considerable amount of money. Before he left the room he had a nice little sum handed to him."

"And you foretold that from his hand?"

"Yes, it had four aces in it."

* * *

Young Harold was late for Sunday-school and the minister inquired the cause. "I was going fishing, but father wouldn't let me," announced the lad.

"That's the right kind of a father to have," replied the reverend gentleman. "Did he explain the reason why he would not let you go?"

"Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough for two."

* * *

"My good man, you had better take the trolley car home."

"Sh' no ushe! My wife wouldn't let me—hic—keep it in th' house."

* * *

Mrs. Newlywed: "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open and the draught has shut my cookery book, so that now I haven't the faintest idea what it is I'm cooking."

* * *

"Goin' in that house over there?" said the first tramp.

"I tried that house last week. I ain't goin' there any more," replied Tramp No. 2.

"'Fraid on account of the dog?"

"Me trousers are."

"Trousers are what?"

"Frayed on account of the dog."

A QUESTION OF LOCALITY

"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see him reaching for the strap?"

"Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home."

HER SOFT ANSWER

They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby exclaimed:

"What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is cold?"

"Why," replied his wife, "I should make it hot for you!"

HE WAS WRONG

Prison Visitor: "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for strong drink that brought you here?"

Prisoner: "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to drink."

OPENING FATHER'S EYES

"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?"

"Of course I can," answered his proud parent.

"Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now, for instance, you see the steam coming out of that kettle, but you don't know why, or for what reason it does so, and——""Oh! but I do, papa," chirped little Horatio knowingly. "The reason the steam comes out of the kettle is so that ma can open your letters without you knowing it."

NICE

She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she was getting on.

"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque."

"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put in equal sums?"

"Oh! I don't put in anything," was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, and I draw it out!"

NOT NEEDED

O'Grady: "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?"

Pat: "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?"

SHE COULD USE HIM

"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at hard labour."

"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court room, "will yo' Honah jes' split dat sentence? Don't send him away from home, but let dat hard labour stand."

DECLINED WITH THANKS

Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying,"Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So,after thinking matters over, Brown decided to reform. After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited until four o'clock before he called him for breakfast.

"Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat."

"Thanks very much," said the new hand, "but I never eat anything just before going to sleep."

MANAGING THE MANAGERS

This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks—"He's given me such a fearful telling-off," said one; "just because I couldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who.'"

"Pooh! Don't cry, you little silly. You've got to manage him. When you've been here six weeks, like I have, you'll jolly well tell him to buy a copy of 'Where's Which,' and find his old 'Who's Who' himself!"

A GREAT LIGHT

The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who wanted to be a gunner's mate.

"How much does a six-pound shell weigh?" he asked.

"I don't know," the gob confessed.

"Well, what time does the twelve o'clock train leave?"

"Twelve o'clock."

"All right, then, how much does a six-pound shell weigh?"

"Ah," said the youthful mariner, a great light dawning on him. "Twelve pounds."

* * *

The two flappers at the Strand seemed barely in their 'teens, yet their conversation stamped them as seasoned film fans. They were discussing titles of pictures in general, and the tiny blonde expressed regret that the recent German importations had had their titles changed for American consumption. "If they had only called that picture 'Du Barry' instead of 'Passion,' think what a hit it would have made!"

Her bobbed-hair companion tossed her head and scoffed: "Don't you believe it. There's millions of folks never heard of Du Barry, but every one knows about passion."

* * *

"We will take as our text this morning," announced the absent-minded clergyman, consulting his memorandum, "the sixth and seventh verses of the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs." Never suspecting that his vivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on the previous night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermon celebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, had diabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a very different text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and read aloud these words of Solomon: "Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more."

* * *

"You don't mean to say it cost you $7000 to have your family tree looked up?"

"No; $2000 to have it looked up and $5000 to have it hushed up."

* * *

The Aristocrat (returning to school): My ancestors came over with William the Conqueror.

The New Girl: That's nothing! My father came over in the same boat with Mary Pickford!

* * *

It was Judgment Day, and throngs of people were crowding around the Pearly Gates trying to convince St. Peter that they were entitled to enter Heaven. To the first applicant St. Peter said, "What kind of a car do you own?"

"A Packard," was the reply.

"All right," said St. Peter, "you go over there with the Presbyterians."

The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and was told to stand over with the Congregationalists. Behind him was the owner of a Dodge, who was ordered to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek little individual came along.

"What kind of a car do you own?" was the question.

"A Ford," was the answer.

"You just think you own a car. You go over there with the Christian Scientists."

* * *

The Housewife: My goodness! I don't believe you've washed yourself for a year.

The Hobo: Just about that. You see, I only washes before I eats.

* * *

The Professor: A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as it will cut glass.

The Cynic: Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression on a woman's heart.

* * *

Boss: What do you mean by such language? Are you the manager here or am I?

Jones: I know I'm not the manager.

The Boss: Very well, then, if you're not the manager, why do you talk like a blamed idiot?

* * *

"Pa, what's an actor?"

"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a number of bored stage hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, and exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!"'

* * *

"Is she making a rich marriage?"

"I should hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has been arrested three times for profiteering."