The secretary

The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row. So the boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee. Who told you, you could come and go as you please?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

Cooling Swimming

The weather was very hot, so a guy desperately wants to take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming costume, but who cares? He was alone. So, he undresses and gets into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walks onto the shore in his direction.
He panics, get out of the water and grabs an old bucket. As he holds the bucket in front of his privates he sighed with relief.
As the ladies get nearby they look at him and smile. Then one of them says,
"You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."
"Impossible," says the embarrassed man, "You really know what I'm thinking?"
"Yes," the lady replies, "I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."

Desert Island

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years they live there, until one day they find a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home" ... POOF she is gone.
The redhead makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" ... POOF she is gone.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her "My dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here" ... POOF!!!

No Bull

Some cattle are standing in a field when a huge gust of wind blows. All the cows fall
over, but the bulls remain standing, bracing themselves against the wind.
After a moment the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows. Again all of the cows are knocked to the
ground, but the bulls just carry on munching the grass.
Next a mini tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next
field. The bulls’ just say, "Moo" and carry on munching!
Finally, one of the cows walks up to a bull and says, "How come the wind always knocks us
over and you remain standing?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

Bartender and Dog

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his little Jack Russell terrier. He puts the dog on the barstool next to his. The bartender wanders over and the man says, ‘I’ll have a pot thanks, mate.’ The dog says, ‘I’ll have a margarita.’
The bartender does a double-take and looks over to the dog and asks, ‘Did you just talk?’
‘Yep,’ says the dog.
‘My God!’ says the bartender. ‘That’s incredible.
This is unreal. Who would have thought: a talking dog, here in my bar? Tell me more about yourself. You must have had an amazing life as a talking dog.’
The dog assumes an indifferent pose and speaks in quite a matter-of-fact manner:
‘Yeah, you could say it’s been a big journey. I trained for a while with the US Marines. Saw a bit of action in Iraq – can’t tell you more. I joined the Bolshoi Ballet for a stint. That was hard work but incredibly satisfying. I’ve written
a few best-selling novels in my spare time. That was good fun. Of course, there have been fi lm offers, TV shows. Wine, women and song. All that.’
The bartender is now purple with excitement.
He turns to the man. ‘We could make a fortune.We could charge people to come into this bar and hear your dog talk. How much would you charge to allow your dog to talk here?’
‘About $10,’ the man replies.
‘Why only $10? That’s madness!’ exclaims the bartender.
The man answers: ‘He’s a liar. He hasn’t done half those things.’

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