"THE SUBWAY RIDE" Adult Funny Story

THE SUBWAY RIDE

Terri crammed her way onto into the third car of the Englewood-Howard subway line on her way to the Loop for work, and while it was only 7:00AM, the car was already packed like a can of sardines. After about a month of subway rides, Terri would get fed up and take her car to work, but that usually only lasted a day or two because of the horrible traffic and expensive Loop parking rates. The el was considerably faster and cheaper, if not more convenient than driving a car. On this Wednesday it seemed that it was packed tighter than normal as Terri was pressed between a well dressed business man and a mid forties woman who smelled of Chanel No. 5.

The car rocked back and forth as the train made it's way from the far north side on it's way down town, and having made the same trip thousands of times, Terri kind of put her mind in neutral and just swayed with motion of the car. She was gazing out the window at the passing apartment buildings, and hardly noticed Miss Chanel No. 5 starting to breath a little harder and more shallowly, and only when she felt the woman stiffen against her did she realize that something was up. Now looking the woman in the eyes, she could see that she was in some sort of discomfort. "Are you all right," asked Terri? The woman just nodded her head and gulped down a breath of air. For the next several stops Terri watched to see that the lady was going to be okay as her cheeks now flushed a bright red! Terri felt the woman grinding herself into her and while trying to hide her short gasps of air, Terri couldn't believe it, but she thought that the woman looked to be having an orgasm right on the train! She became more convinced when the woman's body suddenly went limp and her breathing returned to normal, after which she gave Terri a weak smile and then looked away.

"THE "BIG" PARTY" Erotic Story

THE "BIG" PARTY

Jenny Craft was on cloud number nine! She couldn't believe her good luck! Having met Charlie only a month ago, and now he was taking her to a party that would include his best and closest friends. They were having what once  as described as a whirl wind romance, introduced by a friend of a friend, until they had become almost inseparatable. From the very first night together

the sex and been beyond phenomenal, as Charlie was hung like a horse and knew exactly how to use it! This was the first time that Jenny had ever had a man with over sized equipment, and she now was a true believer in the saying that size DOES matter! The first time she saw Charlie's cock she nearly fainted at the thought of trying to get that monster into her tight little pussy, but Charlie was so sweet and considerate the way he made the tenderest love that first time, making sure that she was totally lubricated and turned on, he ever so slowly inched his organ into her pussy. After the initial shock of have her pussy stretched farther than ever before, she just relaxed and tried to enjoy it, but after only a few minutes, the feeling of being really filled up overwhelmed her! Just thinking of that huge organ inside of her brought her to a shattering orgasm and Charlie hadn't even started pumping her yet and she was cumming like a little cock hound! After that she was hooked! Even when it was soft, it was as big as most of the erections she had seen in the past. One time Charlie was in the shower and Jenny came in to get her makeup, and since he washing his hair, he had his eyes closed and didn't realize she was there. Watching the water and soap running down his chest and belly and then cascading over his low hanging cock was an incredible sight, so she plopped down on the toilet and frigged herself to orgasm right then and there, and only when she let out a loud moan did Charlie even notice her sitting there! 

"KIDNAPPED" Funny Sexy Story

KIDNAPPED

Amanda hurried through the heavily falling snow on the way to her dorm room from the library. She wondered to herself why she had forgotten to wear a warmer coat and shivered against the cold evening air while muttering, "Michigan in the winter, I must be nuts!!!" Being a blond blue eyed California girl it was a total surprise to her folks and friends when she chose to attend college 2000 miles from home in what could be described as less than ideal weather. The full ride scholarship to The University of Michigan was just to good to pass up, nowever, and being valedictorian of her senior class in high school with an emphasis on math and science, made her first class engineering material, and being a female didn't hurt either as all the major schools were looking to place women and minorities in their advanced programs usually reserved for males. Although she didn't look it, underneath that stunningly beautiful exterior beat the heart of a true scientist!!!

Lost in thought and concentrating on keeping her balance on the slippery sidewalk, Amanda failed to notice the three darkly clad figures that were moving from separate directions towards her. The last thing she remembered was bumping into an oncoming man and excusing herself, while at that very moment one of her other attackers placed as handkerchief doused in chloroform over her mouth and nose, inducing her to lose all consciousness as her assailants quickly carried her to an awaiting van with rental car plates. As the van moved away from campus Amanda was given an injection that would keep her under for at least the next twelve to fifteen hours. One hour later at Detroit's airport, she was placed aboard a private jet that was soon winging it's way to the middle east, and unfortunately for Amanda, she had become the victim of an international kidnapping ring, and the chances of her escape were next to nothing. Worse yet the chances of anyone even finding out where she was, were even slimmer yet. Sleeping fitfully on her way across the ocean, Amanda was about to embark on an adventure that was to be at the same both horrifying and exciting.

"THE STRAP ON" Adult Sexy Funny Story

THE STRAP ON

Robin was lost in thought as she rode the Clark St. bus on her way to her job as a junior trader at the Board of Trade in downtown Chicago. Having only graduated from the U of I three months ago, she felt very lucky indeed to have landed such a good job in such a short period of time. If she kept her nose to the grindstone and worked hard, Robin was sure that not only would this job provide the mental challenge she needed, but also the kind of money most folks only dreamed of. As the bus swayed to and fro as it passed over the Chicago River bridge, Robin thought that the only real problem she had since moving to The Big Windy was the lack of any real social life. By now she had hoped to have made some close friends but it just hadn't worked out that way with the heavy workload she was carrying.

Even in college and having just a handful of good friends, with no boy friends at all, Robin worried about her seeming total disinterest in men and often wondered if she were maybe gay, and although she never showed it, she was always more interested in being with the girls. While her friend Joan had always kidded her that she was sexually repressed and just needed a good lay, Robin would just laugh and give the old "when I meet the right guy I'll know it" line. This had gone on for four years with no sexual contact with men or women, and while she had read all the manuals and "how to" sex books, she had never gone any farther than the masturbation part, and thankfully she didn't have a problem having an orgasm!!! From her first attempt in high school Robin had discovered that her body was highly sexed and that orgasms came very easily for her, and just a few twists on her nipples made her pussy wet and hot, and either a her finger on her clit or a candle used as a substitute dick made her have shattering cums, so although she often wondered about having sex with a partner, she certainly wasn't under any pressure to get it over with. Just then the bus stopped at Jackson St. where Robin hopped off and headed off to the office, her mind now turning to the business of the day, but sex was surely in the back of her head.

"WAKE UP" Adult Funny Story

WAKE UP

It was earlier than usual when Tom opened his eyes from a good nights sleep, and while looking over at Gary who was still fast asleep, Tom could help but think of how lucky he was to have someone like Gary as a room mate and lover. Both in their early twenties, they were different as night and day. Tom was tall and blond with a definite mid western appeal, while Gary on the other hand was short and dark with the thick accent of an east coaster. What they both had in common, however, was a deep love for each other.

Tom pulled back the covers to expose Gary's sleeping form, lean and muscled like a swimmer, and it turned him on immensely to his friend naked. When they moved in together over a year ago it was agreed that they would always sleep in the nude so that either one always would have easy access to the other's body, and at this very moment Tom was looking at Gary's very hard penis with excited lust! Gary had a beautiful penis! It was uncircumcised, about seven and a half inches long and seemed to be hard all of the time, and it was times like this that Tom felt so fortunate! He leaned over and gently took Gary's hardness into his mouth and sucked softly on the velvety smooth head. In a few moments Gary began to stir and soon a small smile crept across his lips. "Good morning lover," he said, as he caressed Tom's cheek, pulling Tom from his pecker and giving him a deep satisfying kiss, their tongues intertwined as they groped each other's hardons. 

Wrong Grip

Wrong Grip 
A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old grandson.
In the middle of the night grandpa woke up and shouted, "Quick! Get me a woman...FAST!!"
The grandson moaned "Please, grandpa, calm down. First, it's three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old. And third, it's my dick you're holding."

What's Daddy for

What's Daddy for
"Mummy, where do babies come from? "The stork, dear."
"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" "The police, dear."
"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?" "The fire department, dear."
"Mummy, where does food come from?" "Farmers, dear."
"Mummy?" "Yes, dear?" "What do we need Daddy for?"

What Johnny Saw

What Johnny Saw 
I young female teacher was giving an assignment to her sixth grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly, there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Patrick?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yelled, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asked, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yelled, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe. I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she dropped the eraser when she turned around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there was an enormous burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turned to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going, Little Johnny?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"

What is God

What is God 
A boy says to his mother, "Mom, is God a man or a woman?"
The mom thinks a while and says, "Well, son, God is both a man and a woman!"
The son is confused, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
The mother replies, "God is both black and white, honey."
The son, still curious, says after a while, "Is God gay or straight, mommy?"
The mother, getting a little worried, answers, "Son, God is both gay and straight."
The son thinks about it, and his face lights up when he thinks he finally has answered his question: "Is God Michael Jackson?"

Two Young Brothers

Two Young Brothers
There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.
Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed.
The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger to the rabbi.

Two Brothers

Two Brothers 
There were two brothers, a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, who shared a room.
One day, the older brother and the younger brother agreed they were old enough to start cursing. "When we go downstairs," the older one instructed, "I'm gonna say 'hell' and you can say 'ass'."
The four-year-old agreed. They went downstairs and their mother asked, "What do want for breakfast?"
"Aw hell", the seven-year old said, "I'll just take some Cheerios."
The mother promptly slapped him and sent him to his room.
At this point, the four-year-old was getting intimidated, "And what do you want?" the mother asked.
"I don't know," the younger one said, "but you can bet your ass it's not going to be Cheerios." 

Twelve Pack

Twelve Pack
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? You'll need that when you're in high school. You'll have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."
The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?"
The father replies, "Well, you'll need the 6 pack when you're in college. You'll have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
"Well then," replies the son, "what the heck would anyone ever do with a 12 pack?"
The father answers, "That's for married folks, son. You'll need 1 for January, 1 for February..."

Too Wiggly and Limp

Too Wiggly and Limp 
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Thumping Sound

Thumping Sound 
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mum and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mum is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mum says, "Why?!?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Thumb Sucking

Thumb Sucking 
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."

The Gun and the Watch

The Gun and the Watch 
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol.
On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch.
The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch.
"Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man.
The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded.
The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, "How longa you gonna be?"

The Eel

The Eel 
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious, he had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except, he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

Telegram from my Arse

Telegram from my Arse 
A young boy was out shopping with his mother in the local supermarket. While walking along one of the aisles the young boy let rip with the loudest fart he could muster.
"I beg your pardon!" said his mother "Was that you who did that?"
"Yep." replied the boy, grinning "It's a telegram from my arse to let you know there's a shit on its way."

Stupid Kid

Stupid Kid 
A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.
The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."
"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

Son and Dad Letters

Son and Dad Letters
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

Soldiers in your Cup

Soldiers in your Cup 
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.
The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know, grandma, it's like on TV. The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

Show & Tell Assignment

Show & Tell Assignment 
A Kindergarten teacher gave her class the Show & Tell assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.
The first little boy went to the front of the room: "My name is Benjamin. I'm Jewish and this the Star of David."
The second little boy also spoke from the front: "My name is Thomas. I'm Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
The third little boy: "My name is Bobby. I'm Baptist and this is a casserole."

Potential and Reality

Potential and Reality 
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Plating a Truck Driver

Plating a Truck Driver 
Billy (age 5) is sitting on his front porch steps playing a game. With one arm he's holding a cat, the other hand is full of M&M's. To play this game Billy starts at the top of the steps. He eats a couple M&M's, bites the cat, then moves down a step. Eats some more M&M's, bites the cat & moves down a step. When Billy gets to the bottom of the steps he goes back to the top and starts over.
Inside the house Billy's mother is watching him. She sticks her head out the window and asks Billy what he's doing.
Billy replies, "Mommy I'm playing Truck Driver."
Confused by the answer she has Billy explain how he figures he's playing Truck Driver.
Billy replies, "I'm popping pills, eating pussy and movin on!!"

Pedophile

Pedophile 
A man comes home from work one day to find his girlfriend at the front with her bags packed and ready to leave.
The man asks, "why are you leaving?" she replies "word around the neighborhood is that you're a pedophile."
He answers "That's a pretty big word for a six year old.

Obese Lady

Obese Lady 
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is 'that' wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her child and his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm.
The lady's pager begins to go off.
Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life, she's backing up"

New Words

New Words
A little boy came home from school one day and told his mother "Mom, today I heard some older kids using some words I don't know the meaning of. Can you tell me what they mean?"
"Sure" his mother said, "Just tell me what they are."
The little boy replied "Pussy and bitch."
His mother said "No problem. A pussy is a cat, like the neighbor's Tabby, and a bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."
The boy thanked his mother, and then went out to the garage, where his father was working.
"Dad" he began "Today I heard some kids using some words that I don't know the meaning of. I asked Mom, but I don't think that she gave me the right answer. Can you help me?"
"Sure" his father replied "What are the words?" "Pussy and bitch" the boy replied.
His father said "I thought I told you any time you have a question like that, you were supposed to ask me, and not your mother, because she cant handle it."
With that, he reached up on a shelf and pulled down an edition of Playboy magazine, and a Magic Marker. He then took the marker, and drew a circle around the woman's genital area. "Son" he began "everything inside this circle is a pussy."
"Okay, his son said, "but what is a bitch."
His father said "Everything outside this circle"

Need a Lantern

Need a Lantern 
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

Naughty Boy

Naughty Boy 
A boy sees his grandfather having a pee.
He says, "My daddy's got two of those.
He's got a small one like you for peeing through, and he's got a great big one he uses to clean mummy's teeth with.

Making a Sandwich

Making a Sandwich 
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, pull it out," She screams out..."I can't get pregnant...aaahhhhhhhh"!
Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonnaise all over my face.

Making a Sandwich

Making a Sandwich 
A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having intercourse. The little boy asks his mom, "Momma, momma, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich."
Then they pass two dogs having intercourse and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich.
A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said " Mommy, Daddy, y'all must be making a sandwich because, Momma has Mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"

Lost Dad

Lost Dad 
A little lad was lost in a vast crowd at the football stadium,
A policeman saw him crying and asked him what was wrong. "I've lost my dad" he whined, the policeman looked about.
Then said to the boy, "what's he like"
The lad replied "Beer and women"

Little Red Wagon

Little Red Wagon 
This little boy got a little red wagon for his birthday. Everywhere he went he pulled his little red wagon. One day, as he was walking by the church, his wagon got stuck in the mud.
Little boy: "Damn fuckin wagon! Motherfucker!!! Getting stuck in the fuckin mud!!!!......"
As he was cursing the wagon up and down, the priest came out of the church
Priest: "Little boy you shouldnt say naughty words....God is all around you."
LIttle boy: " He is???? Is he over there??"
Priest " Yes he is"
Little boy: "Is he behind me??"
Priest: " Um-hmm"
Little boy " Is he in front of me ??"
Priest: "Yes"
Little boy :"Is he even in my little red wagon??"
Priest: "Of course"
Little boy: "Well tell him to get the fuck out and push!!!!!"

Little Leprechaun

Little Leprechaun 
A little boy was in the school's bathroom. He found there was no toilet paper so he used his hand. When he got back to his classroom the teacher asked what he had in his hand.
"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
The teacher couldn't get him to open his hand and sent him to the principal who also asked what he had in his hand.
"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was sent home with a note asking to see his parents, so his mom asked him what he had in his hand.
"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was sent to his room. In a while his dad came in and asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
Again came the reply, "It's a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
His dad ordered him to open his hand, and as he did so the boy said, "Oh no, Dad, look; you scared the shit out of him!"

Like Father, Like Son

Like Father, Like Son 
Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

Lick That

Lick That 
Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.
"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.
"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.
"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!" 

Letter to GOD USA

Letter to GOD USA 
A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

Learning ABC

Learning ABC 
The teacher is teaching her class about the alphabet and, of course, there is one student, little Johnny, who has a propensity to be disruptive.
The teacher asks the class "Who can tell us a word that begins with the letter 'A'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher thinks "I can't call on him, he'll say 'ass," so she calls on little Mary instead.
Little Mary says "A stands for apple! A big bright red apple!"
"Very good, little Mary," says the teacher. "Now, who knows a word that begins with the letter 'B'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher doesn't call on him for fear that his word will be "Bitch." Instead, she calls on little Joey.
"Bike," says Joey, "A bright blue bike!"
"Very good, Joey," says the teacher.
She continues to run through the alphabet, but each letter she comes to has a corresponding curse word, so she continues to skip over Little Johnny.
Finally, she comes to the letter "R." By this time, Little Johnny is fit to burst. He is waving his hand wildly, and the teacher thinks to herself "You know, I can't think of a single dirty word that begins with the letter 'R'! Maybe it is safe to let him have this one!" So, the teacher says "OK, Little Johnny you can give us a word that begins with the letter 'R'."
Little Johnny responds "R is for Rats! Big fuckin' rats! With nuts THIS BIG!"

Leaf from the Bible

Leaf from the Bible 
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:
"I think it's Adam's suit!"

Lawyer in the Cemetery

Lawyer in the Cemetery 
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Got Teeth Down There

Got Teeth Down There 
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.
By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
"HECK NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."
"No I don't," she responds.
"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."
"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.
"Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."

I know the Whole Truth

I know the Whole Truth
At school a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

Homework

Homework 
Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio, what'd you learn in school today?"
Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."
Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room, crying.
Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?"
Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!"
Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they do learn. It's called sex education!"
Well, Grandma felt so bad about hitting Antonio that she went upstairs to apologize. She opened his door and found him masturbating on his bed. She then said, "Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come down and talk to me."

Greatest Hitter

Greatest Hitter 
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest PITCHER in the world!"

God, are you really there?

God, are you really there? 
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hill in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape.
Soon, he began to think about God.
"God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"
"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."

Getting a Hard On

Getting a Hard On 
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend," My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."

First Sex

First Sex
Futh pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Futh recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaaaa."

Fastest Father

Fastest Father 
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

Eiffle Tower

Eiffle Tower
A boy of 6 years old never pays attention to his pant's zipper...which is always being left open. Because of this his mother often gets angry.
One day some of his relatives plan to visit their city, so his mother advised him that whenever she tells him to "close the Eiffle Tower", it means that he has to close his zipper.
His relatives arrive, and after some time, the boy asked his aunti, "Aunti, why did you come here?"
His aunti answered, "Dear boy, we came here to see the Eiffle Tower."
The boy said in great excitement, pointing towards his zipper, "But aunti, the Eiffle Tower is closed."
Aunti replied, "My boy, that is the small Eiffle Tower. I came here to see big one."
The boy answered politely, "Aunti, then I will have to call my dad."

Daddy's Trick

Daddy's Trick 
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again."

Class Photograph

Class Photograph 
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."

Cider for Pain

Cider for Pain 
A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom. "I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.
"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent, "What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"
"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"

Children of Israel

Children of Israel 
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Cildren of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?

Children at the Cemetery

Children at the Cemetery 
A group of children lived near a cemetry that was situated round a suburban church.
They would often play near a hedge adjacent to the graves and while there hear the ministers conducting services.
One day they played funerals and dug a grave in which they buried a pretend casket.
One of them intoned the prayers and ended with what he assumed the minister was saying;
In the name of the Father, and of the Son...And in the hole he goes!

Chicken Salad

Chicken Salad 
Two toddlers, a boy and a girl, lived across the street from each other. Both dearly loved chicken salad. Each day, they took turns having lunch at his or her house and they always ate chicken salad. This continued until they were ready to start school.
The day before school started, their mothers found them crying. When asked why they were crying, they responded that they could no longer eat their chicken salad together. The mothers comforted them with the promise that they would pack their lunches and they could still eat chicken salad together every day.
The children did so every day. When they were about 11 years old, the girl unpacked her lunch one day and the boy, startled, said, "That's not chicken salad. You said you were going to eat chicken salad every day for the rest of your life. What IS that stuff?"
To which the girl replied, "This is peanut butter and jelly. I still love chicken salad, but I can't eat it anymore."

Cavity

Cavity 
Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Futh furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste.
"What do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed.
"Don't try to stop me!" Futh warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's.

Cab Driver

Cab Driver 
A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City when the daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street corner. "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.
"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.
After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"
"Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"

Boy it's Dark in Here

Boy it's Dark in Here 
This little boy hid in his parent's bedroom closet, as he wanted to see what took place in their room when the doors were locked.
As he peeked thru the slats of the closet door he saw his mother and her boyfriend going at it. Suddenly the boy's father comes home. The wife wisks her boyfriend off into the closet - the same closet her son is in.
After several minutes the boy says to the man, "Boy it's dark in here." Shocked, the man just nods his head in agreement.
After a few more minutes the boy says, "Wanna buy my baseball glove?"
The man asks "How much?" In reply the boy says $50.
The man agrees. Several more minutes pass when the boy asks the man if he'd like to buy his baseball bat for $50 as well.
The man reluctantly agrees.
After the father departs, the woman takes her boyfriend out of the closet, and too upset to continue she sends him on his way.
The next morning at the breakfast table the little boy pulls out a roll of money and begins counting it. The mother asks "Where did that come from?, to which her son replied "Can't say."
The mother asks again and upon his refusal to tell she tells her son to get in the car.
The mother takes the boy to church and tells him to get into the confessional and tell the priest where he got the money. When the priest slid the door over the boy said, "Boy it's dark in here", to which the priest replied, "Don't start that shit again!"

Beauty Cream

Beauty Cream 
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

A Boy and his Baby Sister

A Boy and his Baby Sister 
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

9 Year Old Early Fuck

9 Year Old Early Fuck 
Nine year old Junior comes home from school one day and his mother asks what he learned. "Oh, mom," said Junior, "I learned how to fuck today!" Mom is furious and sends him to his room explaining that he has to wait till his father gets home. Well, dad gets home about an hour later and is met by his irate wife. "Go talk to YOUR son!" she demands.
Dad goes up and finds his son sitting on the bed and asks what had happened. "Dad, all I told her is that I learned to fuck today," says Junior. "That's my boy!!!!!" dad blurts out, but after thinking a moment he says, "Well, your mom is really upset about this, so I'm gonna have to ground you for a week. But, I see you're following in your father's footsteps. I'm quite proud of you."
The next day at the construction site, dad is bragging to all his co-workers about his nine year old son getting laid. "A chip off the old block!" he beams . "Of course, I didn't start till I was ten, but he's already becoming a man!!"
Dad comes home from work that night, proud as can be, barely kisses the wife's cheek as he rushes up to his son's room. "Well, son," he asks, "did you do it again today???"
"Oh, no!" exclaims Junior, "my butt still hurts from yesterday!"

8 Year Boy Charged with Rape

8 Year Boy Charged with Rape
An eight-year-old boy was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming.
As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down the client's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried, turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"
Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman-"
"WATCH IT," yelped the kid. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"

7 Year old getting Married

7 Year old getting Married
Little Bobby (seven) was in love with Little Susie (same age) who lived next door.
One day, Bobby went to Susie's dad and announced (as seriously as he could), "I'm in love with Susie, and we're getting married".
Amused, Susie's dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage the idea).
Susie' dad: "Where will you live?"
Bobby: "Well, Susie has a playhouse in the back yard, so we're gonna live there."
Susie's dad: "How are you going to make money to support her?"
Bobby: "Well, Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a week." <pauses to think> "That should be more than enough!"
Seeing that Bobby was still serious, Susie's dad asked, "Well, what about children?"
Bobby perked up and quickly answered, "Oh, we have that figured out already. Whenever Susie lays an egg, I'm gonna stomp on it!"