A dangerous criminal had escaped, so the police
issued the usual photographs: left profile, front view, and right profile. A
few days later they received the following telegram from an Irish detective:
"Have captured the fellow on the left, and the fellow in the middle, and
at the rate I'm going it won't be long before I get the fellow on the right as
well".
Did you hear about the Irish kidnapper?
He enclosed a stamped self-addressed envelope with the ransom note.
Did you hear that the Irish Republican Army recently purchased a thousand
septic tanks?
As soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade England.
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Irish burglar"
"Help! Help!" cried the young woman as she staggered up the steps of
the police station. "An Irishman molested me!"
"How'd you know he was Irish?" inquired the Sergeant at the desk.
"I had to help him" she gasped.
A Irishman suspected his wife of infidelity and began to follow her movements.
Sure enough, his suspicions were justified. Coming home from work early, he
burst into the bedroom, catching his wife and her lover in the act; and, crazed
with grief, he put the pistol to his own head.
"Don't laugh!" he shouted when his wife burst out in giggles,
"You're next!"
The employees at the factory where Paddy worked soon discovered that every
Tuesday afternoon the boss would always leave work early, not to return that
day. So they all decided that if they all left early after him, they could have
the rest of the day off, and the boss would be none the wiser.
So, the next Tuesday afternoon, after the boss had left, all of the employees
went home. But when Paddy got home, he saw through his front window his boss
making passionate love to his wife.
The following Tuesday, when everyone else was leaving the factory, Paddy kept
right on working.
One of his workmates came up to him: "Hey, Paddy, aren't you going home?
The boss has already left for the day".
Says Paddy, "No way! Last week I almost got caught".
Why did the Irishman spend all night outside the whorehouse?
He was waiting for the red light to turn green.
An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman planned an expedition across the
Sahara Desert, and at the appointed time each shows up with the luggage
critical to his survival.
Motioning to his umbrella, the Englishman says, "It's going to be hot out
there, roaming across the desert, so I've brought something to keep the sun off
me".
The American says "What's really needed here is good old American
know-how, so I've brought along a portable air-conditioner to keep me cool throughout
the day."
They look across at the Irishman, who is carrying nothing but a right front
door to a 1968 Holden. "It's going to be a scorcher out there," he
explains, "and so when it gets too hot, I want to be able to wind down the
car window."
Did you hear about the football game between Italy and Ireland? The Italians
all started arguing about who was going to kick off, and they all walked off
the field. Half an hour later the Irish team won.
An Italian, a Jew, and an Irishman are marooned on a desert island for five
years. One day, while walking along the beach, one of them comes across an old
bottle. He rubs it and out comes a genie, who is empowered to grant each of
them their dearest wish:
"Ah," says the Italian, "let me go back to the Old Country,
where the wine is sweet and the women are beautiful." BANG! He vanishes.
"For me," says the Jew, "I want to go to the Holy Land and live
out the rest of my days with my people." BANG! He vanishes.
"Gee," says the Irishman, "it's so hard to choose what to ask
for. I wish my two friends were back here to help me decide."
Two Irishmen are out fishing for the day, and they have a great time; with the
fish grabbing the hooks as fast as they can get them into the water. Finally,
with the boat full of as many fish as it will hold, they decide it's time to
head for shore.
"But listen," says Mick, "why don't we mark the spot?"
"No problem," says Paddy, who dives into the water and paints a big
black X on the bottom of the boat.
Mick beams with pleasure, and they're almost back to the dock when his face
wrinkles in consternation. "Oh, no!" he cries to Paddy, "what if
we don't get the same boat?".
Lick the cover of a book of matches, then bend it back so the matches are
exposed. Stick it to your forehead.
Ask, "What am I?".
An Irish miner.
A stranger walks into a pub and announces to the barman, "Hey, mate! Have
I got some terrific Irish jokes for you blokes".
The barman leans over to him and says "Listen; if I were you, I'd watch
your tongue: All of the bouncers are Irish; I'm Irish, and I ain't no midget;
and almost every man in here is Irish".
"Oh, that's okay," said the stranger cheerfully, "I'll talk
v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y".
