Blondes

Blondes
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire do they go out onto the balcony.
“Help, help!” yells one of the blondes.
“Help us, help us!” yells the other.
“Maybe it would be better if we yelled together,” said the first blonde.
“Good idea,” said the other.
“Together, together!”

Talking dog

Talking dog
A guy sees a sign in front of a house, “Talking Dog for Sale.” So he rings the bell and the owner tells him that the dog is in the backyard. The guy walks into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“Can you talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what's your story?”
The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government. So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country. I’d sit in a room with various people, spies, world leaders etc. and because no one figured that I could talk. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I got married had a mass of puppies, and now I'm retired.”
The guy is amazed so he asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
The owner says, “Ten bucks.”
The guy says, “That dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”
The owner replies, “He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!”

An honourable profession

An honourable profession
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 bill on the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity approached her. “Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he says.
“Why yes,” she replies, “every week my son sends me money. What I don't need I give to the church.”
“That's wonderful, how much does he send you?”
“Oh, $20,000 a week.”
“Wow, your son must be very successful businessman. What does he do for a living?”
“He is a Vet,” she answers.
“That is a very honourable profession. Where does he practice?”
“O, well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.”

The definition of Heaven and Hell

The definition of Heaven and Hell
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

The inflatable pupil

The inflatable pupil
An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and he’s having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out of class. Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster and he pulls out a knife and stabs him! He runs along the corridor and as he gets outside he thinks, “I hate school”. He then pull out his knife and stabs the school as well! Decides to go to his inflatable home and runs off.
Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking on his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself! Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely says, “You boy have let me down, you've let the school down and but worst of all you've let yourself down!”

How long before sex?

How long before sex?
A surgeon goes to see a young female patient the day after performing an operation on her. She seems slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed so the doctor she asks, “What's wrong?”
“Well this is a bit of an embarrassing question, but how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?”
“Hum!” gasps the doctor, as he looks thoughtful.
“I hadn't really thought about that. You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy!”
Q: How can you tell that the British house of parliament is follow of dicks?
A: Every one there is called an honourable member!

Two Tigers

Two Tigers
Two tigers are walking in the jungle in single file along a trail.
The rear tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes then reappears. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start a fight so lets it go. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue in the same area. Outraged he decides to confront the other tiger and asks, “Did you just lick arse?”
The other tiger replies, “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get rid of the taste!”

Stinky

Stinky
A guy walks into a lift and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few moments he turns to her and says, “God dam your pussy smells!”
The woman is disgusted and says, “It does not!”
“Hmmm,” he replies. “It must be your feet, then!”