Visiting Hell

Visiting Hell 

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later......

"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

White and a Black Man in Hell

White and a Black Man in Hell 

A white and a black man were sent to hell for sinful lives. When they got there, they stood in front of the devil and awaited punishment.

The white man came forward first. The devil told him to drop his pants, and he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his penis and it slowly and painfully melted away.

With the white man laying on the ground in pain the black man stepped forward. The devil told him to drop his pants, and, with a smirk on his face he  did.

Then the devil grabbed a hold of his penis... nothing happened, and the black  man begun to laugh.

The bewildered devil asked the man what was so funny.

The black man replied, "Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hands."

Two Evil Brothers

Two Evil Brothers 

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the  church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

Two Assholes

Two Assholes 

Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."

The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange. Then  he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body, and Billy-Joe looked at him and said, "Yeh, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-joe looked down at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."

The mortician said "How can you tell?"

Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yeh, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us  went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"

Three Rooms to Choose from

Three Rooms to Choose from 

A guy dies and is sent to hell. He's met by a devil who explains the rules:

"We have three rooms. If you don't like the first room, you can go look at the other two, but you can't go back to the first."

The devil takes the guy to the first room. Inside people are standing upside down on hot coals. The guy wipes his brow to clear the sweat and says "Nope... Not for me!"

The devil then takes him to the second room and warns him before he opens the door, says, "If you don't like it here, you must take the third and final room."

The devil opens the door and inside people are standing on their heads in molten lava. Again the guy wipes his brow and says, "Nope... Not for me, either."

Finally, the devil brings him to the third and last room. Inside people are standing knee-deep in shit, drinking coffee. "Hey I lucked out," the guy says. "These people seem nice. I like coffee and I can probably get used to the smell. I'll take this one."

Five minutes later, the same devil returns and shouts out, "Coffee break's over! Everybody back on your heads!"

Three Pastors in Heaven

Three Pastors in Heaven 

Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van blew a tyre and skidded across the cliffside road, and  went over the cliff. Sadly, they were all killed.

At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward.

Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, "You hypocrite!" he boomed, "All you ever cared about in your life was money! 'Money is evil' 'Money won't buy you happiness!' 'Money THIS...' 'Money THAT...'. Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named 'Penny,' isn't that so?" he demanded. Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes, Sir, That's true..."

"Well, you DID preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you-know-where,  but you DON'T get to come in the FRONT gate. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off you go!" And the couple went shamefully on their way.

St. Peter leered at the next pastor, "And YOU!" Peter hissed. "All YOU ever talked and cared about was ALCOHOL! 'The bottle THIS...' and 'The bottle THAT...' Yet, you've been drunk nearly EVERY time you preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named  'Sherry', ISN'T THAT SO!!?" he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame.

"Well, you, too preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either. But YOU don't get to come in the FRONT gate, either. You  have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off with  you!" And the couple slowly shuffled off.

"And YOU!!..." St. Peter began.

The third Pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walkin', Fanny."

(Note to US readers - UK version of 'Fanny' - as in 'Pussy', not 'Butt')

Smiling Corpses

Smiling Corpses

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes  into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says  with a grin. "He died having oral sex with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"

"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."

She'll be Missed

She'll be Missed 

Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe said, "Oh hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her.

She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle".

The old woman fainted.

Sara Pipalini

Sara Pipalini 

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the  pearly gates. St Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".

The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.

The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.

The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini".

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He  reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!"

Royal Flush

Royal Flush 

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St.Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops  her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in and I  don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

Reset the Trap

Reset the Trap 

Goldstein and his wife are on a Caribbean cruise, when a huge wave sweeps Mrs. Goldstein overboard. A search doesn't find her body.

Goldstein, heartbroken, returns to New York.

A few weeks later, he gets a cable " We have located your wife's body. Also found a huge pearl, three inches in diameter, formed in her vagina. Please instruct."

Goldstein cables back: "Send me the pearl, and reset the trap."

Rented Tuxedo

Rented Tuxedo 

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."

Religious Minister in Heaven

Religious Minister in Heaven 

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who`s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I`m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it`s the minister`s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of  Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Reincarnation

Reincarnation

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's  nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? Oh, I'm not in Heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you, then?"

"I'm a bunny rabbit in Arizona, Martha."

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Pat the Irishman

Pat the Irishman 

There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching in the St. Patrick's Day parade.

Pat went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Who are you?" and Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St.  Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."

St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this information was true. So he said to Pat: "Yes, this is all true, so here is a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' You've earned it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven."

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and it starts to play "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling." He heads out into heaven, a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around for two whole days. However, on the third day, he's driving down the main expressway in heaven with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a  pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is  an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time  to see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.

Pat makes a U-Turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway, charges back to the Pearly Gates, jumps off of his little green cloud and stalks up to St. Peter.

He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm an Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green  cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.'

"St. Peter, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and an huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman  to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! *He's* the Boss's Son!"

Money's Worth

Sandy McDonald, a long time and respected resident of a small Scottish town,  passed away.

His wife, Maggie, went to the newspaper to place an obituary. She asked how  much it would be. When the newspaper man told her, she was a little shocked by the price.

She asked him, "Since Sandy was such a highly regarded resident of this town,  couldn't you do it for nothing?"

"No", said the man. "But, I will give you three words, free."

Maggie answered, "Well, we could just say, ' McDonald is dead."

The newspaper man, then said, "I have just been thinking. Since Sandy was such a highly respected resident of our town, I think I could make that six words, free."

"Oh," said Maggie. "Then we could say, "McDonald is dead. Bicycle for sale."

Lawyer at the Pearly Gate

Lawyer at the Pearly Gate 

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in  the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with  this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Horrible Death

Horrible Death 

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had  been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,  and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me, I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was  repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Holy Priest went to Heaven

Holy Priest went to Heaven 

A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven.

St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven!" "You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"

"Well," the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."

St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!

The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"

"Honestly?" with a little pained grimace on her face."Well, I was really hoping for a girl."

Henry Ford & Adam in Heaven

Henry Ford & Adam in Heaven 

Henry Ford went to Heaven upon his death and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some of the inventors before him. So St. Peters printed out the list of all the inventors currently ( doing time ) in heaven.

As Ford started to go through the list, he came across the name Adam.

He queried if it was the same guy who discovered Eve, the woman. St. Peters  confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the invention of women.

Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him.

When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention.

"Your invention is the most stupid work of engineering I ever saw. There is too much of front end protrusion, the rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much. He thinks for a while and then leads Henry Ford to the Celestial Computer. He works with the enormous data-banks and in a few minutes there is beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and graphs.

"Look here, Mr. Ford. Despite all the flaws you pointed out, data shows that there are more men riding my product than yours."

Hated each other

Hated each other

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old fool dig. I had him buried upside down."

Gone but not Forgotten

Gone but not Forgotten 

Four older men stand on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession drives by. Ralph takes off his hat and bows his head until the procession is finished. Once the procession is over, he puts his hat back on his head and starts to line up his shot. John and the other guys are astonished.

John says, "Ralph, we have had a standing tee time together for the past 10 years. We didn't know that you were such a sentimental guy."

Ralph says, "Hell, we were married for 25 years, it's the least I could do."

God's Car

God's Car 

An avid church goer and NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. Upon entering,  this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's race car, and asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and his car was on display.

Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once again he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in heaven. In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on display."

Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24 Chevrolet - the phenomena kid who is breaking every record on the racing circuit. At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! "Oh, No! St. Peter - Jeff Gordon is about to win the Championship this year, and you mean to tell me he has just died?

"No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car. He lets Jeff use it on weekends."

Farmer's Mother in Law

Farmer's Mother in Law 

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.'

The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

Cookies for the Funeral

Cookies for the Funeral 

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.

He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted  one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist  chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral."

Dying Irishman

Dying Irishman 

Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village together. They  were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another.

Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends.  He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brian. I 'ave a request for ye." O'Brian walks to his friend's bedside and kneels down.

"O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request. "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But,  might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

Deathbed Confession

Deathbed Confession 

Sharon was on her deathbed, with her husband Martin at her side. He held her  cold hand as his silent tears streamed down his face.

"Burt," she said, weakly.

"Hush," he interrupted. "Don't talk."

But she insisted. "Martin," she continued. "I have something to confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Martin. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Martin, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Martin stroked her hand. "Now, Sharon, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I have poisoned you?"

Clinton in Hell

Clinton in Hell 

Clinton dies and goes to hell...

The Devil being amused by Clinton and all he's done up here, decides to give him a break.

"Just for you, cuz I've had so much pleasure in watching all your wrong doings. I am going to let you decide where you would like to spend your eternal life, you'll have a choice of three doors to peek in to, what ever door you chose, that will be your 'new home' FOREVER.

Clinton thanks the Devil for his kindness and the proceed down the hall until they come upon the first door.

They peek in... Charles Manson is tied to a stake burning to death. "N..N.. No way" says Clinton.

They approach the second door. Clinton's lawyer is tied up ready to be drawn and quartered, "Bastard" says Clinton "He deserves it... but this is still not for me" "Ok" says the Devil.

They finally reach the third door, the Devil opens it, much to Clinton's surprise he sees Ken Starr shackled to the wall and Monica is kneeling down in front of him doing what she does best. "Ohhh hellllll...... yes!!!!!" says Clinton "This is definitely where I want to be!!!"

"Are you absolutely sure?" asks the Devil, "Once you go through there's no turning back". "I am sure?" replies Clinton. "Well... of course I'm sure... in fact I'm looking forward to it... you know you're not such a bad guy after all", says Clinton beaming with pleasure, patting the Devil on the back.

So they proceed through the door, Clinton starts to unbutton his pants, the Devil walks over to Monica and kicks her to one side. "Get up" he commands "Your replacement is here!!"

Clinton in Heaven II

Clinton in Heaven II 

Clinton died and went to heaven -- or to be more accurate --approached the gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton"

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Clinton and the Pope in Heaven

Clinton and the Pope in Heaven

On the same day, the Pope and Bill Clinton died. There was a major screw up.  By accident, Bill Clinton was sent to heaven, while the Pope was sent to hell.

IN HELL:

The Pope: Excuse me Satan, there must be a great deal of confusion. I have lived my life as a servant of the Lord. There must be a slight misunderstanding. I should be in heaven with God.

Satan: I can't believe they messed up again. There's no way you belong here.  I'll contact heaven, but it's going to take 24 hours before we can fix it.

The Pope: Worry not, my son.

24 hours later:

Satan: Once again, we're sorry. You can leave now. Just make sure you tell Clinton to come here.

The Pope: Sure thing.

On the way to heaven, the Pope meets up with Clinton, half-way.

The Pope: There was a mix up. You have to meet with your destiny. I, being highly religious, would take the fall for you. But my final dream is to meet the  Virgin Mary.

Bill Clinton: Thanks for the sympathy, but you're a day late.

Bill Gates in Hell

Bill Gates in Hell 

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've  been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be  locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of all? 

Satan: That's what everyone thinks!

Lucifer: What about the PC?

Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys!

Lucifer: Which three? 

Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!

Bill Gates in Heaven

Bill Gates in Heaven

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he was met by Saint Peter.

Saint Peter said, "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background  like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your backside and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here! Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault-tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"

Saint Peter said, "Would you like to go see the center now?" "You bet!"

Saint Peter and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the  Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million .... .... Macintoshes .... .... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent  his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.

"What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Saint Peter.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Saint Peter. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ... GO TO HELL!"

Bell Ringer

Bell Ringer 

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word  through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the  belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

Bad, Good and Great News

Bad, Good and Great News 

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Adultery

Adultery 

There were three guys that died and went to heaven.

The first went up and then God said, "You have committed adultery so you shall own a bike."

The second guy comes up and God says, "You have almost committed adultery so you shall own a motorcycle."

The third guy goes up and then God says, "You have only thought about adultery so you shall get a Porsche!"

The first guy comes up to the man in the Porsche and starts Laughing and the  man in the Porsche asks, "Why are you laughing? You only got a bike!"

The guy on the bike says, "I just saw your wife on a skateboard!"

Everything's Big

Everything's Big 

There was this cowboy from Texas who decided to do a little traveling and when he got as far north as Kansas City he was feeling pretty horny so decided to stay a while.

That evening he hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about houses of ill repute, so the cabbie took him to one that he knew well.

After choosing a suitable looking gal they went upstairs and on the way the girl commented on how tall the man was. The cowboy said everything from Texas was big. After getting undressed and the girl had taken a good look she said I can see what you mean about everything from Texas being big.

"Yes ma'am" said the cowboy, " I mean everything."

After they had finished their business and were getting dressed the cowboy asked, "By the way ma'am, what part of Texas are you from?"

Hot Day in Texas

Hot Day in Texas 

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

How Indians are Named

How Indians are Named 

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

Indian Headdress

Indian Headdress

A female reporter was doing a documentry on American Indians, when the question arose "Why they had so many feathers in their headdress?"

Reporter (asking one brave) "Why do you have one feather in your headdress?" 

Brave: "Me have one squaw."

The reporter figures that this did not have everything to do with it.

Reporter: (to another brave) "Why do you have four feathers in your headdress?"

Brave: "Me have four squaws."

Report says to herself "I KNOW that can't have everything to do with it". So she goes to Big Chief.

Reporter: "Big Chief, Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

Big Chief: "Me Big Chief, me fuck em all, fat, skinny, tall. Me Big Chief, me fuck em all.

Reporter: "You should be hung!"

Big Chief: "Me is hung like the buffalo."

Reporter: "Why so hostile?"

Big Chief: "Hostile, doggy style, kitty style me Big Chief me fuck em all!"

Reporter: "Oh Dear!"

Big Chief: "No deer, asshole too tight, runs too fast!!"

Who Stole my Horse

Who Stole my Horse 

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he  finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...  what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." 

What's your IQ?

What's your IQ?

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."

"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144."

"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"

Real Cowboy

Real Cowboy 

An old cowboy - dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you  a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am."

After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women."

A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked,

"Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Price of Women in Texas

Price of Women in Texas 

Back in the good ol' days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded  born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.

The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"

Indian Watch

Indian Watch 

The cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing. There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.

"What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, "Me tell time."

"OK. If you are so good, what time is it?"

The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It 2o'clock."

The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!" The cowboy  starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket.

"Don't tell me.... You telling time also?"

The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."

"Okay smart ass, what time is it?"

The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It 4'clock."

The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.

"Don't tell me you are telling time!!??"

Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!"

Indian Mating Season

Indian Mating Season 

Two Indians and a computer geek were walking along in the desert when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the mouth of a  cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The geek was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something? "No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he went.

The geek started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger than the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!" Well... he took off up the hill at a super AST speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOO! WOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day, in the newspaper, the head lines read,

NAKED COMPUTER GEEK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!!

Indian in Horseback

Indian in Horseback 

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. Right away she noticed the Indian was trying to get the horse to trot. If the horse slowed to a walk the Indian would kick it; if it started to lope he would slow it down. The jiggling up and down was a little much, but she didn't want to complain. After  all she did have the saddle horn to hang onto.

The ride was uneventful otherwise except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist,  and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, " that Indian was riding bareback.".

Billy the Kidd

Billy the Kidd 

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.

One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting. After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off.

He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town.  When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd.

He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I  have always wanted to be just like you." "Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?"

Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?"

Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt.

Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands."

Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink.

Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you."

Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?"

Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick."

Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?"

Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."

Bowels not Move

Bowels not Move 

Once there was this Indian chief named Chief Bowels. The neighboring town wanted to build a golf course on his land, and this made the chief very angry,  so he sends a messenger to the council office, which was in the same building as a doctor's office.

The messenger goes in the wrong door, goes to the doctor and says, "Bowels not move". So the doctor gives him a pill. The messenger takes the pill back to the chief.

The next day, the messenger is back, and says , "Bowels still not move". So the doctor gives him a stronger pill.

The next day, same thing, the messenger comes back "Bowels STILL no move" So the doctor gives him the strongest pills he has.

The next day, the messenger comes back, and says "Bowels HAD to move. Tepee full of shit"

Wife Swapping

Wife Swapping 

The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of partner swapping for the night.

The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives. Clever enough!

After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hangover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter.

Wheelbarrow

Wheelbarrow 

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."

Van-Aerial Disease

Van-Aerial Disease

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van -- you know, shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that - - and suddenly the girl,  being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!"

Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look at  the wounds and exclaims, 'Wow! Looks like you've got a bad case of 'Van-aerial' disease!'

Tropical Sex

Tropical Sex 

Guy goes to a whorehouse and asks for something really exotic. The madam says go down the hall to the last rooms on the left. He strolls down to the room and goes in.

In the room he discovers a huge fat girl, but he thinks, what the hell. So they strip naked and get in the bed. First thing the fat gal does is sit on his face and cuts a big old fart. He says, "What the hell is that?"

She says, "That is a tropical breeze blowing in your face."

He thinks, well OK. Next thing the big old whore does is stand up and start to piss all over him and he yells, "What the hell is that for?"

She says, "That's the tropical rain falling on you."

He thinks OK. Then she starts getting wound up and starts beating him on the  head with her big titties. He says, "What the hell now?"

She says, "Those are coconuts falling out of the palm trees."

The guy gets up and starts getting dressed and the old whore says, "Where you going?" He says, "I don't know about you honey, but I can't fuck in this kind of weather."

The Statue

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I  tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went  to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Sex Pills

Sex Pills 

There's this woman and her husband's whose sex life wasn't doing that great.  So she went to the doctor and the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and ordered her to put one pill into her husband's coffee every morning.

So the first morning she does as the doctor said and that night the sex was great, so the next day she decides to put two pills in and instantly the husband is horny.

Finally, on the third day she puts the whole bottle in and it's CRAZY, all day they just had sex.

A couple of days later the doctor called to see how everything was going and a little boy answered the phone. The doctor asked, "How's your daddy been?"

The boy answered, "Well, let's put it this way, my mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and my dad's on the front porch saying here Kitty Kitty Kitty"!!!

Screaming for More

Screaming for More 

Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal,  unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".

After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"

Rent for Apartment

Rent for Apartment 

A PROSPEROUS businessman propositioned a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. When he was ready to leave in the morning, he told her that he didn't have any money with him but he would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as "RENT FOR APARTMENT"

On the way to the office, he decided that the whole thing wasn't worth the price he had agreed to pay. So he advised his secretary to send the check for $250 and include the following note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount we have agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression:

1. it had never been occupied.

2. it had never been occupied

3. it was small.

Last night, I found that it had been occupied, there wasn't any heat and it was entirely too large.

Upon the receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check with the following note:

Dear Sir,

I am returning your check for $250. I can not understand how you could expect  such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it isn't my fault if you didn't have sufficient furniture to fill it in.