Super Jokes Collection 8

FASHION

After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewed thousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap, crying:

"Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you some decent clothes."

"I'll do nothing of the kind," was the sharp retort. "I'll get the same kind the other women are wearing."

* * *

"The naked hills lie wanton to the breeze, "The fields are nude, the groves unfrocked, "Bare are the shivering limbs of shameless trees, "What wonder is it that the corn is shocked?"

But not the modern woman!

FAVORS

At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly.

"Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his wife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his first wife was buried. An' then agin fer his second. An' when Eliza died, she as was his third, he up an' axed me agin. An' now, I snum, it's the fourth time.

An' ye know, a feller can't be the hull time a-takin' favors, an' not payin' 'em back."

FIGHTING

The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement:

"Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day."

The father nodded gravely.

"Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it."

The little boy's face brightened.

"Gee, pop! I hope you made out 's well 's I did!"

FINANCE

A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady of the house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, explained who she was, and what her mission:

"Please, mum, I'se Ophelia. I'se de washerwoman's little girl, an' mama, she sent me to say, would you please to len' her a dime. She got to pay some bills."

* * *

The successful financier snorted contemptuously.

"Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making money."

"But only one honest way," a listener declared.

"What way is that?" the financier demanded.

"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.

* * *

The eminent financier was discoursing.

"The true secret of success," he said, "is to find out what the people want."

"And the next thing," someone suggested, "is to give it to them."

The financier shook his head contemptuously.

"No—to corner it."

* * *

The eminent banker explained just how he started in business:

"I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store, and put up a sign, Bank. As soon as I opened for business, a man dropped in, and made a deposit of two hundred dollars. The next day another man dropped in and deposited three hundred dollars. And so, sir, the third day, my confidence in the enterprise reached such a point that I put in fifty dollars of my own money."

FINANCIERS

"My pa, he's a financier," boasted one small boy to another.

"'Tain't much to brag of," the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack are in jail, too."

FISHING

The congressman from California was telling at dinner in the hotel of tuna fishing.

"Just run out in a small motor boat," he explained, "and anything less than a hundred pounds is poor sport."

The colored waiter was so excited that he interrupted:

"You say you go after hundred-pound fish in a little motor boat, suh?"

The congressman nodded.

"But," the darky protested, "ain't you scairt fer fear you'll ketch one?"

FLATTERY

An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. The dead dog's mistress was deeply grieved, and more deeply angered. As the statesman attempted to address her placatingly, she turned on him wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable and by no means agreeable. When, at last, she paused for breath, the culprit tried again to soothe her, saying:

"Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog."

The woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the statesman with supreme scorn, and hissed:

"Sir, you flatter yourself!"

FLEAS

The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of being taken in to dinner by the distinguished statesman.

"Whatever can we talk about?" she demanded anxiously of her mother.

Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her mother with a radiant smile.

"He's fine," she exclaimed. "We weren't half way through the soup before we were chatting cozily about the fleas in Italian hotels."

FLIRTATION

The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to another guest, who had just paused beside him:

"Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an iceberg."

"I have only just arrived," the other man said. "She is my wife."

FLOOD

The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with the man beside him at the counter.

"Awful rainy spell—like the flood."

"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.

"The flood—Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat."

The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled thickly:

"Hain't read to-day's paper yit."

FLOWERS

Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning—"An attachment à la Plato For a bashful young potato."

Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life. Nevertheless, a Welsh newspaper of recent date carried the following paragraph:

"At —— Church, on Monday last, a very interesting wedding was solemnized, the contracting parties being Mr. Richard ——, eldest son of Mr. and Mrs. ——, and a bouquet of pink carnations."

FOG

The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could hardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.

"Where am I going to?" he cried anxiously.

A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:

"Into the river—I've just come out!"

FOLLIES

A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most astonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down the fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself. The second was the going to war to kill one another, when if they would only wait, they must surely die naturally. The third was that they should run after women, when, if they did not do so, the women would surely run after them.

FOOD

The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk concerning his experiences.

He explained that a point further north would have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical time.

A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured a comment as the speaker paused:

"But I thought those Esquimaux dogs were actually tireless."

The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat before answering.

"I spoke," he elucidated, "in a—er—culinary sense."

* * *

The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any calves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did.

"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."

FOREHANDEDNESS

The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.

Super Jokes Collection 7

EASY LIVING

The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of feeling:

"In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands with vulgar work. The preparing of the soil for the crops is done by our niggers, suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of the crops—all done by the niggers.... And the selling is done by the sheriff."

ECONOMY

One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the next section, and so on.

The other Japanese registered scorn.

"Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was better taught. I make a fan last a lifetime. I open it wide, and hold it under my nose quite motionless. Then I wave my head."

* * *

Wife:—"Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on a sum that would keep a man looking shabby."

Husband:—"That's right. What you dress on keeps me looking shabby."

EFFICIENCY

In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent importation from Lapland. The dialogue was as follows:

"Can you do fancy cooking?"

"Naw."

"Can you do plain cooking?"

"Naw."

"Can you sew?"

"Naw."

"Can you do general housework?"

"Naw."

"Make the beds, wash the dishes?"

"Naw."

"Well," cried the woman in puzzled exasperation, "what can you do?"

"I milk reindeer."

* * *

The undertaker regarded the deceased in the coffin with severe disapproval, for the wig persisted in slipping back and revealing a perfectly bald pate. He addressed the widow in that cheerfully melancholy tone which is characteristic of undertakers during their professional public performance.

"Have you any glue?"

The widow wiped her eyes perfunctorily, and said that she had.

"Shall I heat it?" she asked. The undertaker nodded gloomily, and the relic departed on her errand.

Presently, she returned with the glue-pot.

But the undertaker shook his head, and regarded her with the gently sad smile to which undertakers are addicted, as he whispered solemnly:

"I found a tack."

* * *

An engineer, who was engaged on railroad construction in Central America, explained to one of the natives living alongside the right of way the advantages that would come from realization of the projected line. To illustrate his point, he put the question:

"How long does it take you to carry your produce to market by muleback?"

"Three days, señor," was the answer.

"Then," said the engineer, "you can understand the benefit the road will be to you. You will be able to take your produce to market, and to return home on the same day."

"Very good, señor," the native agreed courteously.

"But, señor, what shall we do with the other two days?"

EGGS

The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically. His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was instructed, among other things, to write on each egg the date laid and the breed of the hen. After a month, the hired man resigned.

"I can't understand," the farmer declared, surprised and pained, "why you should want to leave."

"I'm through," the hired man asserted. "I've done the nastiest jobs, an' never kicked. But I draw the line on bein' secretary to a bunch o' hens."

EGOTISM

The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:

"It is only to me that such misfortunes happen."

"What's the matter now?"

The pessimist answered dolefully:

"Don't you see that it is raining?"

ELEPHANT

A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange animal thereabouts.

"Begorra, Oi hev thot!" was the vigorous answer. "There was an inju-rubber bull around here, pullin' carrots with its tail."

ELOPEMENT

Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and asked eagerly for details.

"What about her father? Did he catch you?"

"Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add that the old boy is living with us still."

ENOUGH

The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as he slouched along the street. A householder called from his porch:

"Sam, I have a job for you, if you want to earn a quarter."

The tattered colored man grinned happily as he shook his head.

"No, suh, thank yoh all de same, boss—I done got a quarter."

EPITAPH

In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription which runs thus:

"This monument is erected to the memory of James O'Flinn, who was accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection."

EVIDENCE

The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been arrested for chicken-stealing:

"I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab been all right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My women folks, dey wasn't satisfied jes' to eat mos' all o' them chickens. Dey had to put de feathers in der hats, an' parade 'em as circumstantial evidence."

* * *

The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear perception and shrewd reasoning is illustrated by the dialogue between two farmers meeting on the road.

"Did you hear that old man Jones's house burned down last night?"

"I ain't a mite surprised. I was goin' past there in the evenin', an' when I saw the smoke a-comin' out all round under the eaves, I sez to myself, sez I, 'Where there's smoke there must be fire.' An' so it was!"

* * *

"Shall I leave the hall light burning, ma'am?" the servant asked.

"No," her mistress replied. "I think my husband won't get home until daylight. He kissed me goodbye before he went, and gave me twenty dollars for a new hat."

EXCLUSIVENESS

One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, and make it the subject of prayers for guidance. The following day, the darky encountered the minister.

"Ah done prayed, sah," he declared, beaming, "an' de Lawd he done sent me an answer las' night."

"And what was it?" queried the clergyman, somewhat at a loss. "What did the Lord say?"

"Well, sah, He done axed me what chu'ch Ah wanted to jine, an' Ah tole Him it was yourn. An' He says: 'Ho, ho, dat chu'ch!' says he. 'You can't git in dere. Ah know you can't—'cause Ah been tryin' to git in dat chu'ch fer ten years mahself an' Ah couldn't!'"

An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle. But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had been removed. One of his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom he called, explained that the foreman had carried off the ladder for another job.

"But how'll I get down?" Pat demanded.

Mike, on the pavement, suggested jumping as the only means. Pat's lunch was below, he was hungry, and he accepted the suggestion seriously.

"Will yez kitch me?" he demanded.

"Sure, an' I'll do that," Mike agreed.

Pat clapped his arms in imitation of a rooster, and crowed, to bolster up his courage, and leaped. He regained consciousness after a short interval, and feebly sat up on the pavement. He regarded Mike reproachfully.

"For why did yez not kitch me?" he asked, and the pain in bones sounded in his voice.

"Begorry," Mike replied sympathetically, "I was waiting for yez to bounce!"

EXPENSE ACCOUNT

The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows:

"Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent cook, but I could not afford to make use of her services longer."

The husband, who was present, afterward expressed his surprise at the final clause.

"But it's true," the wife answered. "The dishes she smashed cost double her wages."

EXPERIENCE

The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The mother soothed the weeping boy:

"Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts." Then she left the room.

She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.

"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously.

"Nothin' 'tall," brother replied contentedly. "Only now she knows."

EXPERTS

There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky as to how he had managed to take those chickens and carry them off from right under the window of the owner's house, and that with a savage dog loose in the yard. But the thief was not minded to explain. He said:

"Hit wouldn't be of no use, jedge, to try to 'splain dis ting to you-all. Ef you was to try it you more'n like as not would git yer hide full o' shot an' git no chickens, nuther. Ef you want to engage in any rascality, jedge, you better stick to de bench, whar you am familiar."

EXPLICITNESS

On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was displeased to find that little Emma, who was ailing, had not taken her pill at the appointed time, although she had been carefully directed to do so.

"You were very naughty, Emma," the mother chided. "I told you to be sure and take that pill."

"But, mamma," the child pleaded in extenuation, "you didn't tell me where to take it to."

EXTRAVAGANCE

A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inches square, made of platinum and with one side almost covered with a setting of diamonds. This was offered at a price of $9,000.

But the lady surveyed the expensive bauble without enthusiasm. She turned it from side to side and over and over, regarding it with a critical eye and frowning disapprovingly. At last she voiced her comment:

"Rather pretty, but I don't like this side without diamonds. Honestly, the thing looks skimpy—decidedly skimpy!"

For $7,000 additional, the objectional skimpiness was corrected.

FACTS

The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary:

"You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief."

The other man protested, with a whine in his voice:

"Sech talk ain't nice—and, anyhow, 'tain't fair twittin' on facts."

Super Jokes Collection 6

DRINK

It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit.

As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted off, and fell heavily on the cobble stones. The car stopped, and the conductor, running back, helped the unfortunate man to scramble to his feet. The bibulous passenger was severely shaken, but very dignified.

"Collision?" he demanded.

"No," the conductor answered.

"Off the track?" was the second inquiry.

"No," said the conductor again.

"Well!" was the indignant rejoinder. "If I'd known that, I wouldn't have got off."

* * *

The very convivial gentleman left his club happy, but somewhat dazed. On his homeward journey, made tackingly, he ran against the vertical iron rods that formed a circle of protection for the trunk of a tree growing by the curb. He made a tour around the barrier four times, carefully holding to one rod until he had a firm grasp on the next. Then, at last, he halted and leaned despairingly against the rock to which he held, and called aloud for succor:

"Hellup! hellup! Somebody let me out!"

* * *

The highly inebriated individual halted before a solitary tree, and regarded it as intently as he could, with the result that he saw two trees. His attempt to pass between these resulted in a nearconcussion of the brain. He reeled back, but presently sighted carefully, and tried again, with the like result. When this had happened a half-dozen times, the unhappy man lifted up his voice and wept.

"Lost—Lost!" he sobbed. "Hopelessly lost in an impenetrable forest!"

* * *

The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional ratkiller. "Get to work," the store-keeper urged.

"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.

When this had been provided:

"Now give me a quart of whiskey."

Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:

"Now show me the cellar."

An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted:

"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"

* * *

Two Southern gentlemen, who were of very convivial habits, chanced to meet on the street at nine o'clock in the morning after an evening's revel together. The major addressed the colonel with decorous solemnity:

"Colonel, how do you feel, suh?"

The colonel left nothing doubtful in the nature of his reply:

"Major," he declared tartly, "I feel like thunder, suh, as any Southern gentleman should, suh, at this hour of the morning!"

* * *

The old toper was asked if he had ever met a certain gentleman, also notorious for his bibulous habits.

"Know him!" was the reply. "I should say I do! Why, I got him so drunk one night it took three hotel porters to put me to bed."

* * *

A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed in his Sunday clothes throwing five bushels of corn on the ear into the pen where he kept half a dozen hogs, and he was heard to mutter:

"Thar, blast ye! if ye're prudent, that orter last ye."

* * *

A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by prohibition-enforcement agents. The mouse had had no previous acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think. After some thought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey. It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought. 

Presently, it issued and drew near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big drink. Nor did it retreat to its hole. Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked:

"Now, bring on your cat!"

* * *

The owner of a hunting lodge in Scotland presented his gamekeeper with a fur cap, of the sort having ear flaps. When at the lodge the following year, the gentleman asked the gamekeeper how he liked the cap. The old man shook his head dolefully.

"I've nae worn it since the accident."

"What accident was that?" his employer demanded. "I've heard of none."

"A mon offered me a dram, and I heard naething of it."

* * *

The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed rather freely. In descending a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and either could not, or would not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmer spoke savagely:

"Dang yer hide, git up thar—or I'll drive smack over ye!"

* * *

Mrs. Smith addressed her neighbor, whose husband was notoriously brutal, and she spoke with a purr that was catty:

"You know, my dear, my husband is so indulgent!"

And the other woman retorted, quite as purringly:

"Oh, everybody knows that. What a pity he sometimes indulges too much!"

* * *

In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person issued from a saloon in a state of melancholy intoxication, and outside the door he encountered a teetotaler friend.

The friend exclaimed mournfully:

"Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"

The bibulous one wept sympathetically.

"Then," he declared huskily, "I'll go right back!" And he did.

* * *

When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some one asked him if the Kentuckians were in fact very bibulous.

"No, suh," the colonel declared. "I don't reckon they're mo' than a dozen Bibles in the whole state."

* * *

The Irish gentleman encountered the lady who had been ill, and made gallant inquiries.

"I almost died," she explained. "I had ptomaine-poisoning."

"And is it so?" the Irishman gushed. And he added in a burst of confidence: "What with that, ma'am, and delirium tremens, a body these days don't know what he dare eat or drink."

DRUGGED

The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness. After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had made the arrest.

"This fellow is not suffering from the effects of alcohol. He has been drugged."

The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke falteringly:

"I'm thinkin', ye're right, sor. I drugged him all the way to the station."

DUTY

The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the conductor:

"Can't you go any faster than this?"

"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."

Super Jokes Collection 5

DISCRETION

The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with a sandwich taken from its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefully removed, the boy picked out and ate a few small pieces of the chicken. The puzzled observer questioned the lad:

"Now, sonny, why don't you eat your sandwich right down,instead of fussing with it like that?"

The answer was explicit:

"Dasn't! 'Tain't mine."

DIVORCE

The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a divorce.

"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have to find with your husband."

And the wife was explicit:

"He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"

"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty in proving all your assertions."

"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why, everybody knows it."

"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry him?"

"I didn't know it before I married him."

The husband interrupted angrily:

"Yes, she did, too," he shouted. "She did so!"

DOCTORS

A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.

"You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a great deal of experience with this disease."

The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner:

"Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen years."

* * *

A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs of improvement under treatment by a physician of his own race. So, presently,he dismissed this doctor and summoned a white man. The new physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:

"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"

The sick man shook his head doubtfully.

"I dunno, suh," he declared, "I sartinly dunno. All I've missed so far is my watch."

* * *

A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the blackboard in his class-room:

"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:

"God save the King."

* * *

The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician Sing Lee, as follows:

"Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Velly more sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad—think me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon.

Him busy—no can come. Me get well."

* * *

The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.

"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than the other." He addressed one of the students:

"Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"

Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:

"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."

* * *

The physician turned from the telephone to his wife:

"I must hurry to Mrs. Jones' boy—he's sick."

"Is it serious?"

"Yes. I don't know what's the matter with him, but she has a book on what to do before the doctor comes. So I must hurry. Whatever it is, she mustn't do it."

DOCTRINE

In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were prone to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own particular tenets. For example,one distinguished minister announced his text and introduced his sermon as follows:

"'So, Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he did eat at the King's table, and he was lame on both his feet.'

"My brethren, we are here taught the doctrine of human depravity.—Mephibosheth was lame. Also the doctrine of total depravity—he was lame on both his feet. Also the doctrine of justification—for he dwelt in Jerusalem. Fourth, the doctrine of adoption —'he did eat at the King's table.' Fifth, the

doctrine of the perseverance of the saints—for we read that 'he did eat at the King's table continually.'"

DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE

During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a well-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German, and offered as proof the hotel register, which he had brought along. He pointed to the signature of the accused. It read:

"V. Gates."

DOGS

The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively on the lady.

"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.

The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, and murmured an assent.

The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:

"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."

* * *

Many a great man has been given credit as originator of this cynical sentiment:

"The more I see of men, the more I respect dogs."

* * *

The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the knot tied in the tail of the dachshund.

"What's the big idea?" he inquired.

"That," the dachshund answered, "is a knot my wife tied to make me remember an errand."

The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully.

"That," he remarked at last, "must be the reason I'm so forgetful."

* * *

During the siege of Paris in the Franco-German war, when everybody was starving, one aristocratic family had their pet dog served for dinner. The master of the house, when the meal was ended, surveyed the platter through tear-dimmed eyes, and spoke sadly:

"How Fido would have enjoyed these bones!"

* * *

The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the little daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely from time to time.

"And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile.

"I'm drawing a picture of you," was the answer.

The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of the artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.

"I don't like it much," she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it, and call it a dog."

* * *

The meditative Hollander delivered a monologue to his dog:

"You vas only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to lock up the blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed in time to get up again.

"Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my vife, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty of fun. I haf to vork all day and have blenty of drubble. Ven you die, you vas dead;

ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."

* * *

Some persons are born to have honor thrust upon them, and such is obviously the case of the actor named in this story.

The colored maid of an actress took out for exercise her mistress's dog, a splendid St. Bernard. A passer-by admired the animal, and inquired as to the breed. The maid said:

"I doan jes' zactly know mahself, but I dun hear my missis say he am a full-blood Sam Bernard."

DOMESTIC QUARRELS

After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman:

"Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?"

"No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply.

"That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?"

"Ah sho'ly is."

"What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?" the lady asked.

The explanation was simple and sufficient:

"He died."

* * *

The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in a passion finally declared:

"I'm going home to my mother!"

The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew out his pocketbook.

"Here," he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for your railroad fare."

The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then she faced her husband scornfully:

"But that isn't enough for a return ticket."

* * *

The good wife, after she and her husband had retired for the night, discoursed for a long time with much eloquence. When she was interrupted by a snore from her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness, and then remarked:

"John, do you know what I think of a man who will go to sleep while his own wife is a-talkin' to him?"

"Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha," was the drowsily uttered response. "But don't let that stop you. Go right ahead, an' git it off your mind."

DOUBT

Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which had dealt with the sheep and the goats.

"Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb, and father calls me kid."

* * *

Ability to look on two sides of a question is usually a virtue, but it may degenerate into a vice.

Thus, a visitor found his bachelor friend glumly studying an evening waistcoat. When inquiry was made, this explanation was forthcoming:

"It's quite too soiled to wear, but really, it's not dirty enough to go to the laundry. I can't make up my mind just what I should do about it."

DRAMA

The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre; at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical critic as he rose 

from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand.

"Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and children first!"

DREAMS

The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of dreams and their significance.

During a pause, one of the party turned to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked:

"Do you believe that dreams come true?"

"Of course, they do," the child replied firmly. "Last night I dreamed that I went paddling—and I had!"

DRESS

"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new dress."

"How sad! What was it trimmed with?"

* * *

The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic.

"How do they catch lunatics?" he asked.

The father, who had just paid a number of bills, waxed sarcastic:

"With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones, with 

silks and laces and feathers and jewelry,and so on and so on."

"I recall now," the mother spoke up, "I used to wear things of that sort until I married you."