Witch Doctor


After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." And refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say `123` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it`s over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is `1234` and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say `123` for?"

Who's Obsess with Sex


A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex."
The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it.
The man immediately says, "OMIGOSH!! Four people having sex!!!!".
Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man having sex."
Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "two woman and one man having sex".
The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex."
To which the man replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

Witch Doctor


After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." And refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say `123` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it`s over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is `1234` and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say `123` for?"

Wet Dreams


A man went to his doctor and told him of his extremely active sex life, he said he had a wife, several mistresses, masturbated frequently, and had wet dreams every night.
The Doctor asked which he liked the best.
He Replied, "Wet dreams...you meet a much higher class of people in them."

Visiting a Doctor Friend


A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

Vasectomy #2


Charlie wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy. Charlie agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office. At a crucial moment during the procedure one of Charlie's testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it.
[Standard operating procedure.] 
However, the doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk. Taking an onion, and realizing it was the right size and weight, he placed it in Charlie's scrotum and completed the operation. 
[Standard operating procedure.]
A few months later Charlie returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going, Charlie replied. "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection.

Vasectomy


One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

Two Mental Patients


A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not unlike a Kenworth.. VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM... SCREEEECH.....
"What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "I'm taking this road train down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker.
Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.
"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.
"Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife."

Tonsillectomy


A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.
She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"
He says, "You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy."

The Messy Nurse


The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it:
The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"

Tennis Elbow


A guy goes to see the doctor about a sore elbow. When he gets in, the doc tells the man about a new machine he has where all he has to do is pee in a cup and the machine will tell him what's wrong.
So the man gives the urine and the doctor puts it into the machine and it says that he has tennis elbow. The man was amazed. On his way out the nurse gave him another cup and said that if he had any more problems that he could just pee in the cup and drop it by the doctor's office and they would take care of it.
Well a couple of days passed and the guy decided to fool the doctor and his new fancy machine. So he got his daughter to pee in the cup, then he got some motor oil off the dipstick on the car then he masturbated into the cup. he stirred it up real good and took it to the doctor.
The doctor put the sample into his machine and told the man to wait outside. It took about an hour before the doctor came back.
He said "sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news." the man said "tell me doc I can handle it." The doctor replied," well your daughter is pregnant, your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't quit masturbating you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow!"

Tapeworm


A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you" said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor says "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants and bends over. The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consults his watch, our hero dances around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm" advises doc. Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor takes the cookie and rams it up the patient's ass.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie" says the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head.
Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana, waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie.
And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie.
After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer" confirmed the doctor.
The last day the doctor says "Okay, you know the routine". So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the doctor looks at his watch and picks up the hammer. One minute passes. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass. Then a little head pokes out the patient's ass and says "WHERE'S MY DAMN COOKIE!?!?"
::::: WHAM :::::

Swollen Dick


A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination.
When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger.
A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"

Suppository


A man was constipated. It was serious, so he decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor said, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll put one in now and I'll give you another one for later."
The man goes home and starts feeling sick again. He asks has his wife to put a suppository in. She puts one hand on his shoulder and sticks the suppository in. "AAAAAAAHHHHH!" he screamed. His wife asks him, "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"
"No, I just realized that the doctor had both of his hands on my shoulders!"

Stuttering


This overly endowed guy says to his Doctor, "Doc, I've b-b-been st-st-st-stuttering for y-y-years, and I c-c-c-can't st-st-stand it anymore! Can you h-h-h-help me?" The doc says he'll see what he can do and puts him through the whole battery of tests; GI series, brain scans, etc. After all that is over says he thinks he knows what's causing the patient's stuttering. The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wh-wh-what is it, d-d-d-Doc?"
The doctor replies, "Well, I know this sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis. It's a foot long. It seems its weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords that most men don't have to deal with. The only cure I know of is to remove it and transplant a shorter one."
The patient thinks for just a moment, and says, "OK! Do it." So he goes through with the operation, and 3 weeks later comes back for a follow-up appointment.
He says, "Doctor, you surely cured my stuttering problem and I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once since then, and my wife really doesn't like this shorter penis. In fact she's making life hell. So, I've thought about it, and decided I can out up with the stuttering easier than going without sex. I want you to put my long one back on!"
The doc says, "N-n-n-nope,. A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal"

Stucked Vibrator


Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace the batteries?"

Strange Headache


Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. . ." "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.
The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. . .size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised,
"That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Stamp on the Stomach


A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Son Caught V.D.


"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has." Said the man.
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the Doc.
"Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

Small Dick


One summer, the company Dave worked for transferred him to another city, and Dave was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor. 
All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Dave had the smallest dick he'd ever seen. "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doc asked.
"Shit, no," Dave said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and a great sex life. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime."
"What about at night?" the doc asked.
"Nights are no problem," Dave said. 'cause there's two of us looking for it then."

Sex Therapist


A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So, she went and saw him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "OK, take off aw your crows." She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. "Now," said Wang, "get down on knees and craw reery, reery fass away from me to other side of room." Having done that, Dr. Wang said, "OK, now turn around and craw reery, reery fass to me,"
Once again she obliged. Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, "OK, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you hauve Ed Zachary Disease...worse case I ever see... that why you not hauve sex...that why you not hauve dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your butt........"

Sexual Problem


Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."

Sexual Performance Problem


A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem anymore!" announces the proud physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are history." So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't been home yet."

Sex Therapist


A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So, she went and saw him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "OK, take off aw your crows." She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. "Now," said Wang, "get down on knees and craw reery, reery fass away from me to other side of room." Having done that, Dr. Wang said, "OK, now turn around and craw reery, reery fass to me,"
Once again she obliged. Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, "OK, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you hauve Ed Zachary Disease...worse case I ever see... that why you not hauve sex...that why you not hauve dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your butt........"

Sex Problem


A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day".
"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc".
"No, hang on", said the young man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No no no", said the randy old bugger. "When I go to lunch I meet this diner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor.
"No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".
"Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..".
"No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc.
"Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I wank".

Sex Pills


There's this woman and her husband's whose sex life wasn't doing that great. So she went to the doctor and the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and ordered her to put one pill into her husband's coffee every morning.
So the first morning she does as the doctor said and that night the sex was great, so the next day she decides to put two pills in and instantly the husband is horny.
Finally, on the third day she puts the whole bottle in and it's CRAZY, all day they just had sex.
A couple of days later the doctor called to see how everything was going and a little boy answered the phone. The doctor asked, "How's your daddy been?"
The boy answered, "Well, let's put it this way, my mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and my dad's on the front porch saying here Kitty Kitty Kitty"!!!

Screw in the Head


One day this lady goes into a plastic surgeon's office. She wanted something that would take away the wrinkles in her face. The doctor suggested that they put a screw in her head and every time she wanted the wrinkles out of her face she would tighten the screw. The lady agreed to this idea and went home with a screw in her head.
About a month later the lady came in complaining that the screw wasn't working.
"look at these bags under my eyes, they're hideous! I want my money back!" "Listen lady," said the doc, "those bags are your breasts and if you keep tightening that screw all the time you're soon gonna have a beard!"

Same Doctor II


A lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs, and see how it works first. He stood up to demonstrate, held his arms straight out to the side, rotated them counterclockwise, and said, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust." The doctor had her try it. The told her to do it as often as she can, and to come back in a week.
One week later, she's back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn't work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and asks her to come back in 1 week. She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can.
One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust."
The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson. "Yes, how did you know?" she queries.
The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion, and says, "Hickory dickory dock......."

Samples for the Doctor


One day an old man got really sick so his wife went to the doctor and told him that her husband had a lack of energy, a cough, and couldn't get an erection. The doctor said that there was nothing that he could do until he had a stool, urine, and sperm sample from the man.
When the old woman got home to her husband, he asked, "What did the doctor say?"
She responded, "He wants a pair of your underwear."

Same Doctor II


A lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs, and see how it works first. He stood up to demonstrate, held his arms straight out to the side, rotated them counterclockwise, and said, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust." The doctor had her try it. The told her to do it as often as she can, and to come back in a week.
One week later, she's back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn't work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and asks her to come back in 1 week. She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can.
One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust."
The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson. "Yes, how did you know?" she queries.
The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion, and says, "Hickory dickory dock......."

Same Doctor


A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts. The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra. When you flap your arms up and down, the bra inflates. Of course, the woman chose the bra. 
The next day she went to a bar to try the new bra out. She saw an attractive man sitting at the bar. Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man and he started flapping his legs.
"I see we have the same doctor," said the man.

Redneck Medical Terms


Artery The study of paintings.
Benign What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria.
Barium What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize Made eye contact with her.
Colic A sheep dog.
Coma A punctuation mark.
D&C Where Washington is.
Dilate To live long.
Enema Not a friend.
Fester Quicker than someone else.
Fibula A small lie.
Genital Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail What you hang your coat on.
Impotent Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane.
Morbid A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates.
Node I knew it.
Outpatient A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear A fatherhood test.
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative A letter carrier.
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery.
Rectum Darn near killed him.
Secretion Hiding something.
Seizure Roman emperor.
Tablet A small table.
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor More than one.
Urine Opposite of you're out.
Varicose Near by.

Redneck Birth Control


After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Premature Ejaculation


A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

Rain Boots


A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"
"Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies.
"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."
Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!!"
"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.
"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."
The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation.
The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that."
She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?!"
To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

Polish Girl at a Gynecologist


A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups.
The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a checkup?"
"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

Pain in First Pregnancy


A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy...and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks. 
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?" 
"A little more..."

"Like this?" 
"No. A little more..."

"Like this?" 
"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit." 
"Now stretch it over your head!"

Orange Penis


A man bursts into the doctor's office screaming "Doctor, doctor, my penis-it's bright orange. I have no idea what's wrong!"
The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and sure enough the man's manhood is bright orange, almost fluorescent. He says "put your pants back on while I go look through my books"
The doctor comes back after a while and tells the man that he has never seen any thing like it in his life, and he can't seem to find it in his books. "What do you do for a living?" asks the doctor.
"I'm a lawyer." Replies the man.
"Well, does it hurt?" the doctor asks.
"No I can't feel a thing"
"Do you have a wife or a girlfriend?"
"Nope, I don't have time for that stuff being a lawyer."
"You must have some kind of sex." says the doctor.
"No, I don't have time! Every day I go to work, I come home, grab a bag of cheetos, and watch a porno flick."

Only Night Home


A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

Oldie


A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.
He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor.
"O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

New Diet


This woman has tried every way she can think of to lose weight and nothing has worked, so finally she overcomes her embarrassment and asks her doctor for help.
"I may have the solution", says the doctor. "It's a new diet, just approved--for two weeks you can have any food you want but instead of eating it, you must take it rectally." He assures the woman that she can survive this treatment and that she should lose all her extra weight doing it. He also tells her to come in for a checkup at the one-week mark.
She shows up a week later and the doctor, after examining her, says "The diet is working, and I see no complications--but I will have to refer you to a specialist for your leg problem."
"What leg problem, Doctor?", she asks.
"Well, I noticed you were walking abnormally..."
"Oh that...that's just my bubble gum..."

Naming the Twins


A man was rushing his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital. He was so nervous and disoriented, he pulled up to the emergency room and rear- ended an ambulance! Though a very minor bump, he actually passed out from the stress!
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother (a relentless world- class practical joker) sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,
'Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and both you and your wife were unconscious so I named them for you.'
The husband's heart jumped up into to his throat, thinking, 'Oh no, what has he done now?' He nervously asked his brother, 'W-w-well, what did you name them?'
The brother replied, 'I named the little girl Denise.'
'Really?!? Oh! Well, that's a very pretty name!' the husband said, his relief showing as he sat up. 'And what did you name my son?'
'Denephew.'

Mental Patients


After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, you records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home." he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Mental Patients


In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing?"
Bob says.."I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Mental Patients


In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing?"
Bob says.."I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Medical Condition


Two professors were walking through the park one day when they spotted a man with a peculiar walk. It looked as if he had a severe limp on his right leg. Naturally, they started to discuss what his problem might be.
One of them insisted on it being a problem with the mans spine, but the other one said it had to be his hip.
Since they couldn't agree upon the issue they decided to walk up to the man and ask him.
"Excuse me", one of the professors said, -"but we couldn't avoid seeing your strange walk, and we can't agree upon which one of us has the correct diagnosis. I believe it's a problem with your spine, and my colleague here insists upon it being your hip. Please, tell us which of us is correct."
"Well," the man replied -"I guess all three of us were wrong....I believed it was only gas...."

Medical Appointment


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Lost of Memory


An 80 year old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with Strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Long and Large Penies


A young man goes to his doctor with a personal problem. He pulls down his pants and displays his rather long and large penis.
"So, what's the problem?" the doctor asks.
"I can't get beyond a first date with a woman. A kiss, a touch or even just a whiff of her perfume and whammm! I get this tent in my pants."
The doctor thinks for a moment. "Well, drugs are really out of the question, they could have some long term side effects. Have you tried strapping it to your leg?"
The young man agrees to try it. A couple of days pass and the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"So, how did things work out?"
"Okay, at first," the young man admits sheepishly. "I took this girl out on a first date, we had a great time, and with it strapped to my leg my erection wasn't so obvious. When I took her home, she leaned over to give me a goodnight kiss on the front steps, giving me a peek down her blouse, and that's when it happened."
"What?"
"That's when I kicked her right in the face!"

Live to 100 Years


A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Lawyer's Brain


A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain.
The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.
"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied.

Keep Off the Grass


A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.
It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Incredibly Dumb


Two doctors were in a hospital hallway complaining about Nurse Jenny.
"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards," said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Jenkins boil!"

Hind Lick Maneuver


Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, -That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help.
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, Kin ya swaller? Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, Kin ya breathe? Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With That he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, -Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works.-

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