Wrote the Letter by Hand

A husband and wife decided they needed to use a code word to indicate that they wanted to have sex, without letting their children in on the idea, so they  decided on the word "typewriter."

One day, the husband told his five year old daughter, "Dear, go tell your mommy that Daddy needs to type a letter. "

The child went into the next room and told her mom what Daddy had said, and  her mother responded, "Honey, tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right  now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her dad what her mom had said.

A few days later, the mother told her daughter, "Honey, go tell Daddy that he  can type that letter now."

The child went into the next room and gave her dad the message. A few moments later, she returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." 

Won a Lottery

A bloke comes rushing into the house shouting to his wife

"I've won the lottery, i've won the lottery!!"

His wife says "That's great news... what shall we do first?"

The guy says "Well.. i suggest you pack your bags first"

The wife says "Where are we going?"

The guy says "Well, you can go wherever you like, i just want you out of the house by tomorrow!"

Withdrawals

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty.  When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn."

"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.

"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."

Wife's with Headache

As he got into bed the husband was very much in the mood, but was hardly surprised when his wife pushed his hand off her breast. "Lay off honey. I have a headache."

"Perfect," he said without missing a beat. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin."

Wheelbarrow

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."

Watch the Expression

Father: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell  her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Daughter: "OK"

Later....

Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you  that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to  make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Mother: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face.

Too Much to Drink

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was  hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Too Hot to Wear Clothes

A woman woke up one brutally hot Sunday and complained to her husband.

"I can't stand wearing clothes on a day like this. What do you think the neighbors would do if I worked in the garden in the nude?"

"They'd say." The husband replied with a smile, "That I married you for your money."

Tired of Being Pregnant

A wife has been married for seven years, has six kids and is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes to talk to her priest and the priest tells her to go buy a ten gallon bucket and stick her feet in it at night. She thanks him and goes off to do as he says.

Six months later, the priest sees her and, sure enough, she is pregnant again. The priest asks her, "Didn't you follow my instructions?" She said, "Yes, but that I could not find a ten gallon bucket, so I bought two five gallon buckets."

Tiger Woods

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods? The golfer?"

"Yeah." 

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, he gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" 

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his  wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" she says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get

room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I was just going to call Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole..."

Ticket to Superbowl

A man has been wanting to go to the Superbowl for his entire life. For his birthday, his wife gets him a pair of tickets on the condition that she gets to go as well.

They arrive at the game and he's loving it. After about five minutes, his wife asks him if they can leave.

"Leave? We just got here! I've been wanting to go all my life," he replies.

"But honey, the guy next to me is masturbating," she says.

"Can't you just ignore him?"

"I tried, but he's using my hand."

Ticket to a Shoe Shop

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.

They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

Thrilled to be Around

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!

3 Women

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

Three Old Ladies Playing Bridge

Three old ladies were sitting around playing bridge when one of them, Edna says," You know ladies, I'm having a real problem getting my husband interested sexually."

So Mary pipes up and says, "Edna, listen, you know what I do? When my husband gets home from work, I strip him down and rub him all over with exotic oils. Works every time!"

So Dorothy jumps in and says, "No no Edna. Don't listen to Mary. Before my husband gets home from work, I get completely naked and get on my bed and pull my legs back behind my head. When he walks in, INSTANT erection."

So Edna, after contemplating both idea, decides to go with Dorothy's suggestion.

That night, before her husband gets home from working the late shift, Edna strips naked, hops onto her big 4-poster bed and struggles for about half an hour trying to get her legs back behind her head.

Just as she gets her feet behind her ears, in walks her husband. "Perfect timing", Edna thought, when her husband says," Jesus Christ Edna! Comb your hair and put in your teeth, you look like an asshole!"

The Tattooed Bottom

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot and ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattoo artist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her  breasts.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her butt instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a "B" on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork. "What do you think?" the wife says.

"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I  tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went  to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Lazy Husband

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He  would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"

Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down  on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"

Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"

And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"  

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.

When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."

He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"

"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.

She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

The Dishes

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down  for dinner and it is just how she described it.

Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,  "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DISHES!!"

Sporting Chance

A lady come home and caught her husband in the act of cheating on her. The rural housewife over to the closet and retrieved her husband's .44 caliber pistol.

Aiming the weapon at her husband's testicles she shouted, "I'm a-gonna turn this bull into a steer, Chuck !"

"No no !" pleaded Chuck. "Not like this ! C'mon, Jodi, give me a sporting chance, darlin' !"

"All right, fair enough. I will. You can set 'em to swinging first."

Son in Law

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his Daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?", she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Son hit the Lottery

An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm and barely eked out a living. One  day the son hit the lottery, winning $50,000. He burned rubber into town, collected his money, and left more rubber all the way back home, where he told his father the good news and handed him a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women or frivolous things. In fact, I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."

"Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"

"Sure do," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill, "and a damn cheap one too!"

Small Breast

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my  breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

Sister Joined the Army

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army."But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"

The man shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?"

Shooting Birds

There was a father who was very close to his son. They used to go everywhere  together including picking up women, which they referred to as "calling chickens". One day, the son decided to go overseas for study.

The father was very supportive. Before his son left, the father told the son, " We cannot call chicken" together for the next few years. However, if you need  to call chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Birds' so that your mom will not suspect."

So the son left. For the first month, the father received the bill from the son (shooting bird - $1000). Subsequently for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is above $1000. The father could not tolerate any more, so he wrote to his son. "Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper ones"

A month later, the father received another bill from his son. It wrote: "Shooting Bird - $50, Rifle Repair - $2,000"

Sexy Fashion Model Neighbor

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams,  but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the  answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing  the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my  husband takes so damn long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."

Rain or Snow

One day, a Russian couple are walking down the street, trying to find some black bread to go with there cabbage soup, when the husband says, "Did you just feel rain there?"

"No, I thought it felt more like snow", replied his wife and, as these things go in married life, it developed into an argument.

Just then, a communist party official walked by. "Lets ask Rudolph if it is officially raining or snowing today", suggested the woman.

So they asked. "Today it is officially raining", said the Rudolph, and walked away.

"I still thought it was snow", moaned the mans wife, to which he replied," Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!"

Sex Survey

A sex researcher called one of his participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy.

"Sir, in response to the question of frequency of intercourse" the researcher said, "you answered 'twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, said 'several  times per night.' How could this be correct?"

"That's right," the man said, "and that's the way its going to stay until the house is paid off!"

Protective Father

A man has a daughter of whom he is very proud. She is 18, slim, pretty, well-spoken, intelligent and (as far as he knows) has never had any kind of sexual intimacy with any male. Unfortunately she does have a minor heart condition, and he worries about her falling ill.

Imagine his horror when one day she announces that she is bringing her boyfriend home for tea - and worse, that she wants to get engaged to him.

The day comes, and the boyfriend turns up. He has long tangled hair, several tattoos, a sleeveless Denim jacket and dirty jeans with holes in. He sits on the living room floor, chewing gum and sniffing loudly. Father is not impressed, but tries his best to engage the lad in conversation. However, the boy is not the chatty type and seems rather bored by the whole thing.

Eventually, the girl and her mother leave the room and it's time for a bit of "man-to-man" stuff.

"Er, I understand you wish to marry my daughter," says the father.

"Yeah, sort of," replies the boyfriend.

"Do you have a job?"

"Nope."

"Are you looking for one?"

"Nope."

At this point, father becomes desperate to find an excuse to get rid of the young man and put him off marrying his daughter.

"Er, I don't know if you realise that my daughter has acute angina?" says the father.

"Yeah, lovely, isn't it, and her tits aren't too bad either."

Proper Perspective

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race  and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not permit you  to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am  told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Yours-

Your Loving Daughter

Pregnant Wife

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now...

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him, "Awww, my honey is so depressed...  here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her  tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns,  hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment,

"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch... when she was  pregnant and her husband came over here... I only charged him fifty."

Pissed Off Wife

A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at  the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Piggy Bank Sex

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea -- each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said:

"Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied: "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"What happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, she got fired too."

Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in  the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

 Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men continue reading.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

 By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.

Peeing Up the Wall

A certain couple loved to compete with each other, comparing their achievements in every aspect of their lives: salaries, athletic abilities, social accomplishments, and so on. Everything was a contest, and the husband sank into a deep depression because he had yet to win a single one.

Finally he sought professional counsel, explaining to the shrink that while he wouldn't mind losing once in a while, his unbroken string of defeats had gotten him pretty down. "Simple enough. All we have to do is devise a game which you can't possibly lose."

The shrink thought for a moment, then proposed a pissing contest. "Whoever can pee higher on the wall wins- and how could any woman win?"

Running home, the husband called upstairs, "Darling, I've got a new game!"

"OOOH, I love games," she squealed, running down the stairs. "WHAT IS IT?"

"C'mon out here" he instructed, pulling her around to the patio. "We're going to stand here, piss on the wall, and whoever makes the highest mark wins."

"What fun! I'll go first." The woman proceeded to lift her dress, then her leg, and pee on the wall about six inches from the ground. She turned to him expectantly.

"Okay, now it's my turn," said the husband eagerly. He unzipped his fly, pulled out his penis, and was just about to pee when his wife interrupted.

"Hang on a sec," she cried out. "NO HANDS ALLOWED!"

Patience on Monica

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her  basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and  her mother told her no. The little girl immediately beg an to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left  to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be  checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap." 

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

Not Pumping Hard Enough

A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"

The brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"

To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

Not Looking Back

A man returns home from work early and enters the house through the kitchen  door. He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron on so the husband gets a big hard on, drops his pants and starts  humping his wife doggy style.

When he is finished, he pulls out and at the same time hits her hard up the side of her head.

"What was that for?" the wife screamed "Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you enjoy yourself. Why did you hit me?"

The husband looks at her and angrily says, "For not looking back to see who it was!"

Nasty ex-Husband

A rather nasty and egotistical man was finally left by his wife, who then remarried someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness.

When our nasty hero happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldn't  overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically, "So, how does that new husband of yours like fucking in used pussy?"

"He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the used part."

Morning Note

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other.

Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table:

"It's 6:00 AM, you bum! Get out of bed!"

Mistress

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked  over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," he coolly replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress? I want a divorce!"

"Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry and a vacation home in Mexico?"

They continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and  said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's his mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is cuter."

Missing Wife

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?", she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Missing Husband

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Milk Man

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.

He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door,  walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed  her left breast.

"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

Male Emotions

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make such a wonderful crib like that for the low price we paid for it."

Making Love in the Dark

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten  years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo on her. She says, "Honey, how  could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!"

The husband says "OK, I'll explain, but first you have to explain the kids."

Lottery Ticket

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash. When her husband asks, "Where did that come from?" She replies, "I won it in a lottery!" To which he replies, "That's great! Let's go celebrate."

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat. Again the husband  asks, "Where did that come from?" She says, "I couldn't believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!"

The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring. The husband says, "I know. You won the lottery, right?" She replies, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?"

"Sure," he answers. So, the guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for  his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. "Your tub is ready." He calls to his wife.

She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks, "Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?"

To which he loudly replies, "I wouldn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!"

Late Night Phone Call

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings.

The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?.... How the heck would I know? - Am i the weather man?" promptly slamming the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."