Funny Jokes and Stories
Maths tricks
Two Guys Playing Golf
Two guys were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The first guy finds his ball in a patch of buttercups. He grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. He hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process he hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks his path to his ball and looks at him and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the guy calls out to his buddy. "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The first guy screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
Ticket to SuperBowl
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realises the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
Three Rabbis Playing Golf
Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. An Irish catholic, named Mulhaney, wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.
At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71.
He asks them, "How come you all play such good golf?"
The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."
Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.
About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, I live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy."
The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"
He said, "Beth Shalom".
The rabbi retorted, "No No No! That one's for tennis!"
The Big Tree
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Stevie Plays Golf
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.
"You play golf!" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
Scotsman at a Baseball Game
A Scotsman was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run." This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.
The Scotsman was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first.
The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scot's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."
The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man... walk with pride!"
Physical Therapist
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Overweight Golfers
Two overweight middle-aged men were both ordered by their physicians to get a lot more exercise.
They both took up golf and became partners.
On their first time out, the one man said to the other, "I don't have the energy to play too long today."
The second shook his head in agreement and said, "OK, We'll quit as soon as either of us makes a hole in one."
Mental Patient at a Baseball Game
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its patients to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the patients immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the patients were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.
The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?" "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!"
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