Birth control pills

A blonde couple - Brenda and her husband, Joe go to their pharmacist and begin to ask questions like if the pharmacy checks for medications past their expiration date and the reliability of a certain manufacturer that makes birth control pills. After answering their queries, the pharmacist asks them what is wrong. Brenda explains, "I have been using birth control pills and despite that, I continue to get pregnant."

The pharmacist is astonished and asks Brenda if she takes the pills every day.

Brenda replies, "My husband Joe takes them every day."

"Why???" the pharmacist looks questioningly at the blonde couple.

"Oh, after we read all those possible side-effects, Joe offered 'Listen honey... I don't want you taking that stuff.. it's too dangerous.....let ME take them.' "

18 WITH A D-CUP

18 WITH A D-CUP
Ever since Amber could remember her tits were always bigger than anyone else in her class, and even in 8th grade she was a solid C-cup, while now as a junior she filled her bras out to a very full 36D. All this big tit flesh ran in the family, as both of her older sisters were D's and her mom and two aunts were double D's! It's not as if they were big over weight cows either, the Wilson girls while not thin were nowhere near hefty, nice and healthy is how her dad referred to her mom, and that described Amber to a tee!!!
Because of her obvious attributes, Amber received a whole lot of attention from the male species, and not just from boys her own age! The male

CLAIRE # 2: THE JUICE

CLAIRE # 2: THE JUICE
As Claire finished up her last aerobics exercise, she noticed a very muscular dark haired woman working out on the stationary bike in the strength and conditioning room. The woman was oblivious to everything around her because of the Walkman headphones attached to her weightlifting belt. Claire picked up her towel and walked directly towards the heavily sweating woman, and as she got closer, Claire could see the brunette was extremely well built and was
much more heavily muscled than any female she had ever seen. Her quads stretched the skin tight workout tights as she pedaled at an even steady pace, while her biceps bulged even though at the present time her arms were at rest. It was hard to tell how tall she was because she was sitting down, but Claire guessed that she was average height--about 5'5" to 5'6" while her weight was probably more than she looked because of all those bulging

ALONG THE PATH

ALONG THE PATH
The morning was cool and crisp as I began my hike up the trail to the top of Terry Peak, and although it was late October, the sun was just beginning to warm the South Dakota mountain side.
I had been looking forward to the solitude of the mountains all week and relished the thought of two days away from the office. I adjusted my backpack, picked up my walking stick and set off at an easy gait. Being the youngest member of an old line Rapid City law firm was an honor to be
sure, but it also meant that the usual and mundane cases were thrown my way, and for that reason this weekend of climbing would take my mind off the sometimes boring humdrum of the weekly grind.

CLAIRE # 1: THE SEDUCTION

CLAIRE # 1: THE SEDUCTION
       Claire finished the breakfast dishes and was on her way out the door from her upscale suburban home and into the big four wheel drive Ford Explorer. Gliding smoothly into traffic, she thought that lately shopping seemed to be her only outlet. Her husband Frank was away on business at
least three nights a week, and usually more. Not to be complaining, Frank is a wonderful provider and father for her and the twins, but it seemed like they hardly ever saw each other, let alone spending any meaningful time together.
As she pulled into the mall parking garage, Claire's thoughts turned to the ad she had seen in the local newspaper--OPENING FRIDAY!!! BOUDOIR LINGERIE!!! Claire had been taken by the ad immediately, and she really could use some new bras and panties. Even though she and Frank had been married for eight years Claire had managed to stay in good shape, and for a thirty three year old she still could turn a man's head, and the only real change in her body was her chest size.

Adult Jokes1

Q. Why do men have their best ideas during sex?
A. Because they are plugged into a genius.

Hit the fan

Hit the fan
A guy is really desperate to take a dump, so he goes into a nearby bar and asks the bartender where the toilets are. The bartender says, “Go upstairs and it’s the second door on the right.”
So the guy goes upstairs but can’t find the restrooms anywhere. So when he sees a hole in the floor and he decides to crap in it.
After relieving himself, of a monster dump, he goes back downstairs and notices that there’s no one in the bar.
“Hey, Where did everybody go?” He asks the bartender.
The bartender replies, “So, where were you when the shit hit the fan?” 

A Quick eye exam.

A Quick eye exam.

This will blow your mind
Just try it but no cheating!

Fertilizer

Fertilizer
A farmer is driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.
A little boy, playing in front of his house, see him and shouts, “What've you got in your truck?”
“Fertilizer,” the farmer replies.
“What are you going to do with it?” asks the little boy.
“Put it on my strawberries,” answers the farmer.
“You ought to live here,” the boy advises him. “We fresh cream on ours.” 

Police Dogs

Police Dogs
Two Police officers George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They’ve only been out a short while when Mary says, “Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and shower, I forgot to put on my knickers on! We have to go back to the station so I can to get them.”
“No problem”, George replies, “We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit dog a quick sniff, and he’ll go fetch them for you.”
It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. The dogs nose shoots between her legs, sniffs and snorts. After 10 seconds of sniffing, the dog’s ears pick up and he sniffs the wind. Then off in a flash he runs towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido runs rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's dick in his mouth. 

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But...

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But...
She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than a train.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube
She's spent more time under men than all the country’s barstools.
She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her gynaecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
Her pantyhose have a trap door. 

Sex and Travel

Sex and Travel
I guy walks up to a really pretty girl at the bar and says, “Hey, babe can I buy you a drink?”
She says, "Do you like sex?"
The guy says, “Sure! Of course, I like sex.”
Them she asks, “Do you like to travel?”
The guy replies, “Yeah, I love to travel.”
“Well” she says, “Then fuck off some where else.” 

Ice-cream

Ice-cream
A guy walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, “Every ice cream flavour in the world.”
“Yea right,” thinks the guy and walks in. “So you say you have every flavour of ice cream in the world?”
“That’s right,” says the assistant.
“O.K. Then, I’ll have three scoops of pussy flavoured ice cream, please.”
“No problem, sir.” As he puts three scoops in a cone and hands it to the guy.
The guy takes a good long lick then grimaces. “Hey, this doesn't taste like pussy, it tastes like shit!”
The assistant replies, "Of course it tastes like shit, you need to take shorter licks!"

Bakers Job

Bakers Job
A baker's job is a piece of cake. Of course if it's a special job he will rise to the occasion. It's the yeast he can do. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
But they stop making donuts when they get tired of the hole thing. In a bakery, buns usually play a small roll. But tell a baker his dough has fallen, and you'll get a rise out of him. To find out how the business is doing, look at the pie chart. Old bakers never die.
They just keep on making more dough. 

Feeling ill

Feeling ill
A guy goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I really feel ill, can you do some tests?”
“Sure” says the Doc, “I'll call you when the results come back”
The guy thanks the Doc and then goes about his daily routine.
Two days later the phone wakes the guy up. He picks it up and it’s the Doc.
The doctor says, “I've got some good news and some bad news.”
The guy says, "What is the good news?”
“You have 24 hours to live.”
“And what's the bad news?” asks the guy.
“Sorry” says the Doc, “But I forgot to call you yesterday.” 

Just good friends

Just good friends
“The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends,” the girl told her maiden Aunt. “Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a friend?”
The wise old lady smiled and said, “The same as with your lover only not quite so often!” 

Open wide

Open wide
A guy is having sex with an older girl that he’s picked up at the local disco. They’re on the lounge floor both enjoying themselves when he says, “Spread your legs at little wider.”
So she does.
“A bit wider. Wider!”
“Hey” She says, what the hell are you trying to do? Get your balls in as well?"
“Nope” replies the guy, “I’m trying to get them out.” 

Flight

Flight
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
Sadam Hussein is watching Star Trek when he notices that there are no Iraqis in the show. So he calls George Bush to protest and find out why.
Bush replies, “O that’s simple its set in the future – after the next gulf war!” 

Getting Older

Getting Older
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator,
and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!" 

Air conditioner

Air conditioner
A customer is continually bothering a waiter in a restaurant. First he asks for the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asks for it be turned down because its too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter is very patient, walking back and forth and never getting angry.
So finally, a second customer asks, “Hey, why don't you just throw out that pest?”
"Oh, I don't mind," says the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner." 

Tiger

Tiger
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make - I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no surprise in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah"
"Well he's rich, famous & handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The Winking Problem

The Winking Problem
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales rep for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his application and says, “This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best university; your references are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second
thought. However, a sales rep has a highly visible position, and I’m afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you.”
“But wait,” says the guy. “If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!”
”Really? Great! Show me!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and within a minute stops winking.
“Well,” says the interviewer, “that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanising all over the country!”
“Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!” Protests the guy. “Well then, how do you explain all the condoms?”
“Oh,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?” 

Fairy Tales

Fairy Tales
A little girl asks her father, “Dad, do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?”
”Nope” He replies, “Most begin with ‘If elected I promise...’” 

Better mileage

Better mileage
Little Johnny catches his parents shagging one afternoon and yells,
“Hey, Dad! What are you doing?”
His father replies, “Son, I'm filling your mother's tank.”
”Oh, yeah!” says Johnny, “Well, you better get a model that does better mileage cause the postman filled her this morning.” 

How blonde was she?

How blonde was she?
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
At the bottom of an application where it said “sign here,” she wrote “Sagittarius.”
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She tripped over a cordless phone.

This is a genuine psychological! See how you do …

This is a genuine psychological! See how you do …
It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy that she didn’t know. She thought this guy was amazing. A real dream guy, so much she that she fell in love with him at first sight. But so forgot to get his number and could not find him. A few days later the girl killed her own sister!
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought for a while before you scroll down. NO CHEATING!
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Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at her sister funeral.
If you answered the question correctly be afraid! Be very afraid, you think like a psychopath!
An American psychologist developed the test. It was used to see who has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this research and gave the same answer as you!
If you answered the question incorrectly, well good for you. Your friends have hit the jackpot a sane stable individual for a friend. 

Fannie Green

Fannie Green
A man enters the confessional and says to the Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my  last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

Ten again

Ten again
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
"I'd love to be ten again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie-the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." 

Big Dumb guy

Big Dumb guy
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had had enough.
“Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?” he says. “I’ll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you can't wheel back.”
“You're on, old man,” the show off replies. “I’ll take that bet! Let's see what you got.”
Morris reaches out and grabs the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he says, “All right. Get in.”

Donkey’s Balls

Donkey’s Balls
A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room.
After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.

Puns

Puns
People say the abominable snowman is very scary, yeti looked quite normal to me!
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Print problems

Print problems
When the office printer’s type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man said, “The printer probably only needs to be cleaned. Our store charges £30 for a call out to do the cleaning. So you might like to try reading the printer’s manual first and doing the job yourself.”
Pleasantly surprised by the repairman’s candour the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
"O sure.” Says the repairman. “It was his idea! We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Anti-men jokes

Anti-men jokes
A guy goes home with a tube of KY jelly and says to his wife, "This will make you happy
tonight." He was right. The wife squirted it all over the bedroom doorknobs, so couldn't
get back in.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in
the world" The woman replies, "I'll miss you."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," A guy says to his wife as he steps out of the
shower. "What do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn naked?"
“Hum”, replied the wife, "Probably that I married you for your money."
A guy is in bed with is new girl friend and says, “Since I first laid eyes on you, I've
wanted to make love to you really badly.”
“Well” says the girl”, “You did and it was!”
A guy says to his wife, “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”
She replies, “That's a great idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa
and watch TV!”
A guy says to his wife, “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give
you?”
She replies, “Turn sideways and look in the mirror!”
Q: What's a holiday for toothpaste?
A: "Crest" mas!
Q: Which celebrity is afraid of Christmas?
A: Noel Coward
Q: Would a Christmas tree grow in Los Angeles?
A: Nope, but Hollywood!
Q: Did you here about the girl that started dating a postman?
A: Apparently she likes to call him her mail friend.
Q: What part of a fish weighs the most?
A: The scales
Q: Why wouldn’t they let the butterfly into the dance?
A: Because it was a mothball.
Q: If you drop a white hat into the red sea what does it become?
A: Wet
Q: Why did the crab get arrested?
A: Because he was always pinching things!
Q: What musical instrument do farmer like to play?
A: The tubers.

Cheesy

Cheesy
A bloke goes to the doctor complaining that his dick is yellowish and smells a bit cheesy.
The doctor asks him various questions but can't work out what the problem is. Finally, he asks the bloke what he does for a living. "Nothing. I'm unemployed" he replies.
"So what do you do during the day?" enquires the doctor. "Not much," says the bloke "I just sit around watching porn films and eat Quavers."
 

The Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in the Office!

The Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in the Office!
1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."
2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management
course you sent me to."
4. "I was working smarter, not harder."
5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm!"
7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at
the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
13. "The coffee machine is broke...."
14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. Next, I watch the Walton's."
18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lenses without using my hands."
20. "I thought you [boss] were gone for the day."
Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: A girls got to have one, but she’s not quite sure why.
I was walking in the park with my girl friend while on holiday, when she said,
"Hey, look a bird aviary"
I said, "Well if I’d known you wanted to see a cockatoo we could have staid in the room!" 

New car

New car
A Lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over the car to feel the fine leather upholstery, she farts rather loudly.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little accident, and also she hoped a sales-person wasn't about to pop up. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?” he asks.
Very uncomfortably she replies, "What is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely going to shit yourself when you hear the price." 

Two blonde guys

Two blonde guys
Two Blonde guys are in the woods hunting. One looks at the other and says, "I've got to take a shit."
The other replies, "Well go behind one of those big trees and do it."
"Its not that simple. I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replies, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one says, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea - I'll use that!"
He leaves and 15 minutes later comes back with crap all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looks at him and asks, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replies, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
 

Fancy Dress

Fancy Dress
A guy is struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy dress party. Then he has a bright idea. When the hostess answers the door, she finds the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" she asks. "A premature ejaculation." says the man "I’ve just come in my pants!"

Fat girls

Fat girls
A guy is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.
"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.
"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy lover boy?"
"Nope," the guy replies, "it's burning my arse!"
 

First time Sex

First time
The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a prostitute. He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey." She undresses the boy, then herself, and lay down on the bed. He crawls on top of her. "Okay, stick it in honey ... all the way in ... now pull it out ... now put it back in ... now pull it out ... " "For goodness sake," says the boy, "will you make up your god dam mind?"

Why E-Mail is like the Penis...

Why E-Mail is like the Penis...
A. Some folks have it, some don't.
B. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
C. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
D. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss
that those who have it make about it.
E. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (email envy).
F. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any
real work done.
G. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the
species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most
folks today use it for fun most of the time.
H. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
I. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.
J. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence
warrant.
K. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in a whole lot of trouble.

Arm Hurts

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor, says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!"

"Aha!’’ says the doctor.

’’I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

Calling

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

(Sexy female voice with heavy panting)
Hi, you've reached 555-3456.
John is in (sigh)
Oh no, he's out (aah)
Yes, he's in again, (ooh)
No he's out (aah)
Why don't you just leave your name and number
and he'll call you as soon as he... comes

A man in Paris

Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Jacob and Lady

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma’am,” said the cop, “I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home,” responded the Amish lady.

“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around his private. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!” instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

“Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” asked Jacob.

“He said the reflector is broken,” replied the lady.

“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?” wondered Jacob.

“I’m not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake,” said the lady

Funny Conversations

>   GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
>   BOY : You love me...
> 
>   GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
>   BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
> 
>   GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
>   BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..
> 
>   CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me?
>   I was so overwhelmed,I couldn't speak for an hour..
>   PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...
> 
>   1st MAN : I'm worried about my daughter. She keeps
>   being chased by the doctor.
>   2nd MAN : Has she tried an apple??
> 
>   GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
>   BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
> 
>   BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
>   GIRL : How soon??
> 
>   BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
>   GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
> 
>   SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning
>   kiss??
>   TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the
>   cigarette out of his mouth.
> 
>   Man : You remind me of the sea.
>   Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
>   Man : NO, because you make me sick.
> 
> 
>   Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear
>   and comes out of the other.
>   Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in
>   both ears and comes out of the mouth.
> 
>   Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.
>   What do u think, Peter?
>   Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
> 
>   Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?
>   Mother : No, Peter. Why?
>   Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh
god, are you still there?"
> 
> 
>   Customer : How much is that tie?
>   Salesman : Forty dollars.
>   Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that
>   much money.
>   Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around
>   your neck.
> 
>   Jimmy : Mom, can I have two pieces of cake?
>   Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
> 
>   Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness
>   and consideration to me?
>   Man : By cheque, money order or cash.
> 
>   Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I
>   comfortable seated.
>   Lily : So what do you do?
>   Sam : I close my eyes.
> 
>   Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
>   Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I
>   gave them last week.
> 
>   Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
>   Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?
> 
>   Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me
>   to the bank?
>   Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
>
>   Man : Why should I pay you so much?
>   Little boy : Because bank directors are always
>   highly paid.
> 
>   It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent
>   mood as he questioned the prisoner.
>   "What are you charged with?" he asked.
>   "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the
>   defendant.
>   "That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early
>   were you doing this shopping?"
>   "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner

Mother and Son

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his
mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have
baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the
stewardess."

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your
mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always
pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

BEFORE AND AFTER

Before & After Love

BEFORE - You take my breath away.
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.

BEFORE - Twice a night.
AFTER - Twice a month.

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE - Don't stop.
AFTER - Don't start.

BEFORE - We agree on everything.
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Charming and Noble.
AFTER - Chernobyl.

BEFORE - Idol.
AFTER - Idle.

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves.
AFTER - I never said you were fat.

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me.
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still.
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere.

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black.
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.

BEFORE - Oysters.
AFTER - Fishsticks.

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

BEFORE - Passion.
AFTER - Ration.

BEFORE - Once upon a time.
AFTER - The end.

1. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

2. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

3. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

4. A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."

The Pragnant Woman

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said, ’’My husband wants me to ask you...,’’ to which the doctor replies, ’’I know, I know,’’ placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ’’I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.’’

’’No, that’s not it,’’ the woman confessed. ’’He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.’’

The FDA study

In a recent FDA study, the United States government research physicians who were conducting studies on test drugs, administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.

.

I know I haven’t known you very long and I shouldn’t be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven’t had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I’d be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it’s very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so... Do you have a piece of gum?

A guy from UP

IS THAT SSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......
A guy from Uttar Pradesh (UP) was away from his family for about 4 years while his wife was in Jaunpur (UP). At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son...

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this "happy event"
happened when he had not seen his wife for four years...The man said it is common in UP that neighbours take care of the wife(good Samaritans! ) when men are away.The colleagues asked him,"What name will you give to the son?" The man explained,
"If its the second neighbour who has taken care, then the name would be WIVEDI ; If it is the third neighbour then it would be TRIVEDI,
If it is the fourth neighbour then it would be CHATURVEDI;
If its the fifth neighbour then it would be PANDEY...

After listening to this, questions followed.
What if it is a mixture of neighbours? "Then the boy would be named MISHRA"...
And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour? "Then it would be SHARMA"...
But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour ?Then the name of the child would be GUPTA"...
If she does not remember the name then? "It is YAAD-AV...
But who knows whether the child resulted from a rape? "Then it will be named DOSHI"...
Finally, if the child happened because of wife's burning desire for sex? "Then he will be named JOSHI...
And if the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?.... DESHPANDEY!
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own
situations. Happiness when shared is doubled. Count your blessings. "Today
is a gift; that's why it is called the present."

75 cents

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

The student

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Yes, anything!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

Harry's Wife

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

Willy

Willy’s rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting like he’s driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he’s doing.

Willy replies, "I’m going to Chicago for the weekend."

The orderly chuckles and enters Bob’s room to check on him. He catches Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies, "I’m making love with Willy’s old lady while he’s away in Chicago."

Funny Meaning

'SELF DEFENCE': - WHEN America invades a country (such as Iraq, Afghanistan, Vetnam, Cuba...) without UN approval

'ACT OF AGGRESSION': - WHEN Saddam invades a country (such as Kuwait) without UN approval

'FREEDOM OF MEDIA': - WHEN 'embedded' TV reporters film Iraqi prisoners of war on CNN (such as on March 21 and 22)

'VIOLATION OF GENEVA CONVENTION': - WHEN American prisoners are shown on al-Jazeera (such as on March 23).

'ILLEGAL ENEMY COMBATANTS WITH NO LEGAL RIGHTS": - HUNDREDS of Taliban soldiers held in Guantanamo Bay

'PRISONERS OF WAR UNDER GENEVA CONVENTION": - HANDFUL of American soldiers held in Iraq

'AMERICA UNDER ATTACK':- WHEN foreigners kill Americans (CNN's slug for its 9/11 stories)

STRIKE ON IRAQ": -WHEN Americans kill foreigners (CNN's slug for its 3/20 stories)

'OUR BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN IN UNIFORM": - AMERICAN soldiers in 20-mile long mechanized cavalry formations and pilots dropping bombs on Baghdad

'DEAD ENDERS': - RUMMY'S colourful phrase for describing poorly armed Iraqis holding out till the end Umm Qsar and Basra

'SHOCK AND AWE': - WHEN America attacks cities (such as Baghdad and Basra) with bombs and missiles.

'TERRORISM': - WHEN Osama bin Laden attacks cities (such as New York and Washington) with aircraft

'FREEDOM OF MEDIA - II': - WHEN captured Taliban John Walker Lindh is interrogated by CNN reporters.

'VIOLATION OF GENEVA CONVENTION - II': - WHEN captured Americans are interrogated by al-Jazeera reporters.

'MINIMUM DETERENTS': - NUCLEAR chemical & biological weapons held by America and her allies (such as Pakistan and Israel).

'WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTIONS': - NUCLEAR chemical & biological weapons held by everybody else

'ALLIES IN COALITION FOR FREEDOM': - MUSLIM dictatorships such as Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Jordan, Egypt and Kuwait) on America's side.

'ALLIES OF TERROR': - MUSLIM dictatorships (such as Syria and Iran) that oppose America.

'POLITICALLY INCORRECT': -ALL Mullahs who ask Muslims to wage Jihad in the name of Islam on the infidels.

'POLITICALLY CORRECT': - CNN's Tumi Makgabo described the US soldier who killed a fellow soldier yesterday as having "some kind of Arabic or Muslim name".

True Father!

One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye Grandpa."

The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Bye Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son’s door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Bye Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor’s early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you’re here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Eight Gifts That Don't Cost A Cent

Eight Gifts That Don't Cost A Cent

1) THE GIFT OF LISTENING...
But you must REALLY listen.
No interrupting, no daydreaming,
no planning your response.
JUST LISTEN.

2) THE GIFT OF AFFECTION...
Be generous with appropriate hugs,
kisses, pats on the back and handholds.
Let these small actions demonstrate the
love you have for someone.

3) THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER...
Clip cartoons.
Share articles and funny stories.
Your gift will say,
"I love to laugh with you."

4) THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE...
It can be a simple
"Thanks for the help" note
or a full sonnet.
A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime,
and may even change a life.

5) THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT...
A simple and sincere,
"You look great today,"
"You did a super job" (or)
"That was a wonderful meal"
can make someone's day.

6) THE GIFT OF A FAVOR...
Every day, go out of your way
to do something kind
for someone you love.

7) THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE...
There are times when we want
nothing better than to be left alone.
Be sensitive to those times and
give the gift of solitude to others.

8) THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION...
The easiest way to feel good is
to extend a kind word to someone.
Really, it's not that hard to say
Hello and Thank You.

Saturday Morning

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.  "Hello?" says a little girl's voice.  "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"  "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"  "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside
the house."  "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."  "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."  "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"  "He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."  There is a long pause.  "Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

14 Things Teachers Would Love To Write On A Student’s Report Card

14 Things Teachers Would Love To Write On A Student’s Report Card



1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. This student has delusions of adequacy.

4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic sling to hold itall together.

7. Student has been working with glue too much.

8. When the student’s IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.

9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the >> > train isn’t coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

11. It’s hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

13. Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

14. If your child had two brain cells, they’d kill each other.

11 Husbands and still virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

It's important!

1. Never miss a marriage of your friend in the village because some city figures  do come there and they may or you may get interested in each other.

2. Never ask a stranger about a girl unless you are sure that   he is not her father.

3. If you travel by minsara train please look out of the window ... ;-)

4. All software engineers think logically ..[or atleast they think so] otherwise how would you end upto 70 females from 3.5 million??[and they have a couple of them as friends who would agree to this logic]

5. When you first meet your girl and she shouts at you and asks whether you have no other work, take this word:" that is the best sign a relationship can get started with" and don't forget to speed in the beach shouting at the top of your voice "Ava enna thittita!!!"

6. The easiest way to let your parents know your lover is to invite her to your house and inform others about your plan.
[and she should know to sing "alai payuthey" with a voice like Harini !
Guys of HFC remember this point!]

7. When you say "I love you"  try to know what it means because girls now a days expect you to know what it means.. [Hero : "I Love You" Heroine : "appadina" ??]

8. Never let your parents to go and do the talking! They spoil it up.

9. When a girl says about 20 weeks and 20 months logic wrt lover and parents don't worry, she would be the first one to  defect!

10. When your daughters suddenly wear gorgeous Saris please be sure that she is either going to her kadhalan's house for a  function or getting thiruttu married.

11. When you do a "Thiruttu Kalyanam" get Rahman to sing his version of "Mangalyam Thanthunane" since the old version is considered unauspicious in such occasions!

12. Even marriage registrars are happy about "thiruttu kalyanams".

13. Your house owner is not worried about you working in a software company or an underwear company ;-)

14. When you hug your wife's sister [for reasons of your own] make sure your wife is not in the vicinity. Your wife's husband wont mind though.

15. There is some "Ilicha vaayan" Software company in California who would give  a $2 million contract to a software outfit in Chennai with a staffing of 5 to 6 people.

16. If one of your friends or brother go for "Pen Parkkum Padalam", go with him since she might have a younger sister.

17. Even Doctors are caught up in the TLA [Three Letter  Acronyms] frenzy .. They have their own TIG [Trust in God]

18. After Doctors say TIG, it is finally the lover crying in the bedside which would finally let the patient come out of Coma.

19. and finally the message of the film : When you talk to your  girl please add this line : "Nee alaga illai.. nee illama vazha mudiyathunnu ninaikkale .. aana please road cross pannum pothu paathu cross pannu"

Young Blonde

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"