"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the Judge, looking over his goldrimmed spectacles.
"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was owed; "I prefer the cash!"
"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"
"A spade."
"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."
* * *
During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor, and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have a zero on this examination."
"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower than that."
* * *
The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who was tinkering with the pipes.
"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.
"Been in the trade long?"
"'Bout a year, guv'nor."
"Ever made any mistakes?"
"Bless yer, no, guv'nor."
"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire."
* * *
A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile: "I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to——""Out with you," interrupted the man.
"Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles?"
"I should say not!"
"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale," the boy continued.
Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically inquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a thimble?"
Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use it for a hat."
* * *
The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done intentionally.
"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."
"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."
* * *
Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."
