A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the
highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off
your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100
she starts to strip.
When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that
he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her
clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover
your crotch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas
station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP!
HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and
replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide
that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be
parked around the corner."
She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How
much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says,
"Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job".
She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand
job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares
at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and
asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined
with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the
large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the door
and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken
bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke
my window?"
The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off,
"Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot
released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one
wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million
dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do."
"I want a house in every country in the world," said the
wife. "Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that
bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get
a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife
agreed.
The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After he
was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old is your husband,
anyway?"
"Twenty-five," said the wife. "And he still believes in genies?"
A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the
night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to
her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for
$250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was
under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque
for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know
how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't
have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small.
"Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?" she asks. The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always
looks in the mirror and asks her husband, "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does
this one make them look smaller?"
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, "I know how to make
them larger!"
"How!?!?!?" she asks.
"Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your
boobs."
"Well how long does it take?" she asks.
"They should expand over the years," he answers.
"How did you know that?" she wonders.
"I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?"
A young boy walked in on his parents having sex on the sofa. He
asked his Mom what they were doing.
"We were baking a cake,son." she replied.
The next day he asked his Mom if they had baked a cake again. She
replied, "Yes". "I thought so," he said," I licked the frosting off of the
couch."
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to
indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without letting their children in on it. They decided
on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell
your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the
typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that
he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced,
"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the
night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window
open, do it yourself.
