Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the side walk
licking it's dick.
One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do
that."
The other man replies, "You probably can, but you had better
pet him first."
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class
carriage of a train. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is
hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out
his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude
person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis
out and wipes the tip.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, 'Three times you've sneezed, and
three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are
you?'
The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a
very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The woman, now feeling badly, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you
taking for it?'
The man looks at her and says, 'Pepper'
(got it…pepper in the nose…sneeze & get orgasm.)
What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?
They both cost about $100.
They both last about 30 seconds.
And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man.
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a
handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor.
He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language.
The man on the 3rd floor does sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee
meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and
starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor
and says," What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell
you I'm coming. (coming upstairs with handsaw)"
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few
questions.'
He gets her name, address and social security number and then
asks, 'What is your occupation?'
The woman replies, 'I'm a whore.'
The accountant baulks and says, 'No, no, no. That will never work.
That is much too crass.
Let's try to rephrase that.'
The woman says, 'OK, I'm a prostitute.'
'No, that is still too crude. Try again.'
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, 'I'm a chicken
farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with
being a whore or a prostitute?'
'Well, I raised over 5000 cocks last year!'
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.
The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the
rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and
finally makes a raking motion.
The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his
gestures.
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first
points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally
to her crotch.
Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that
one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin hell was
that?"
She replies, "EYE--LEFT TIT -- BEHIND -- THE BUSH!"
Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I will not come
work today, I am really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I will not come
work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and
I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you
say and I feel great. I will be at work soon. You got nice house."
Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel
that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for
a vacant room.
She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the
basement!".
The men agree and she gives them a room. That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the
basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and
says, "Okay, now I'm going to add you all to my collection."
She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a
living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business."
So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.
The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a
living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry."
So she finds a saw and off does his dick. The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is
laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to
you!?!"
He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business
- you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"
Check your Dirty IQ
Questions...
1. When I go in, I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask
you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People
sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When
I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your
fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm
called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when
engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!
Now Really!!! Just what were you thinking?
A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs
and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed.
He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.
She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him
finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The
prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that". The koala shrugs and
continues to head for the door.
The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for
that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the
definition.
PROSTITUTE
(n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the
definition of koala bear.
KOALA
(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves
One day a little boy walked in on his mother in the shower. The
boy pointed to his mother's pussy and said "What’s that mommy?".
The mother not wanting to explain the facts of life to the boy
said "that’s my sponge" the boy satisfied with the answer went out.
A few days later the boy again walked in on his mother in the
shower. The night before the mother had shaved completely.
The boy noticing the difference asked the mother "where is
your sponge?".
The mother said she lost it and the boy satisfied went outside
again..
All of a sudden the boy ran back in. "Mommy, mommy I found
your sponge!I was looking in Mrs. Jones back window and I saw Mrs Jones washing daddy's face
with it!"
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided
that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the
apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and
would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their
plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making
whoopie."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?"
the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son
replied
Three women walk in a pet shop.
Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, pink, blue."
The first lady says, "That's funny, I âm wearing yellow
underwear."
The second lady says "well I'm wearing pink."
The third lady says "No way, I'm wearing blue."
To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the
parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!"
The three women are amazed.
The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot
yelled "Bald, curly and straight!"
They never went there again!!
Man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo.
Tattoo artist: " What kind of tattoo do you want ?"
Man: "I want the new $100 dollar bill tattooed on my
penis."
Tattoo artist: "Why?"
Man: "3 reasons: 1. I like to play with my money 2. I like to
see my money grow 3. Next time the wife wants to go out and blow $100 she can stay at home."
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man
called the woman a bitch and the woman called the man a bastard.
Their son walked in and said "whats that mean?".
The parents told him it meant ladies and gentlemen.
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the woman said
"feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "whats that mean?" and the
parents said it meant hats and coats.
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself,
"shit" he said, the kid came in, "whats that mean?" and the man said that it was the
brand shaving cream he was using.
Downstairs the mom was preparing the turkey and she cut herself
with the knife, "fuck" she said, once again their kid came in and said "whats that
mean?"
The mom said that was what she was doing to the turkey, then the
door bell rang and the kid answered the door to see his relatives for thanksgiving, the kid
said, "alright you bastards and bitches, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is
upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is down here fucking the turkey!
A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after
their affair began, she announced that she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave the nurse a large amount
of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and
have the baby there.
'But how will you know when our baby is born?' she asked.
'Well,' he said 'after you've had the baby just send me a postcard
and write Sauerkraut on the back.'
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to
Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at
his surgery.
'John, dear,' she said, 'you received a very strange postcard in
the mail today and I don't understand what it means.'
'Just wait until I get home and I'll read it,' he replied.
Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard. It
said, 'Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut - two with wieners, one without.'
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a
tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To
his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you
looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his
eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very
talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder
pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in
amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting
the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about the
facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made. For several days, the
child went over this fascinating new material with her mother. "So the sperm from
Daddy fertilizes the ovum from Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy."
"That's right, honey" her mother said.
"But how does the sperm get there?" she asked. "Does
Mommy swallow it?"
"If Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does," came the
reply.
One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed
someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the
class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.
The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters
the word 'PENIS' again, this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked
around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and
found the same disgusting word written on the board. Each day the word was written larger
than the previous day.
Finally one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same
word on the board but instead she found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and
asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's
appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches
apart asked, "D-do y-you haaave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big
ar-round-d?"
"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."
"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
5 Kinds Of Sex
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-moon, you
both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each
other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make
love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul
went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could
make love again?"
Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only
eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one
more time before I die."
She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed
and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to
wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen
Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
An elderly, hard of hearing man, along with his wife, visit his
Doctor to check on his prostate problem.
The Doctor says "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a
semen sample."
The old man cups his ear and asks "Ehhh?"
The Doctor repeats louder, "I need a urine sample, a stool
sample, and a semen sample."
The old man cups his ear and again asks "Ehhh?"
So the wife tiptoes and yells into her husband's ear "Honey,
the Doctor says he needs your shorts."
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The
little boy sees an arthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I
can put that worm back in that ole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.
It's too wiggly and limp to put ack in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the
worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray
and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the
little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me
five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
You always feel like you have to pee.
And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes
out!"
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When
you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all
day and nothing comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the
worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a
racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old asked, "Let me get
this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough
about being 80?"
"I
don't wake up until 7:00."
