Q. Why do men have their best ideas during sex?
A. Because they are plugged into a genius.
Why are the letters a, b, c, d, e, and f used in bra sizes?
A - almost boobs
B - barely boobs
C - can live with them boobs
D - damn good boobs
E - enormous boobs
F - fake boobs
A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been
kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.
He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties
him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on
the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen,
this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not
seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck . If he wants intercourse, don't
resist, just do what he tells you!
This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be
strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He
was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very attractive, and asked if we kept any
vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
A woman sends her clothing out to the local laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the
laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to
the laundry, "Use more soap on panties."
Finally fed up, the laundry man responded with his own note that
said, "Use more paper on ass."
A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around
her form and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the
doorbell rings.
The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs. When she
opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her
shimmering form.
He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they
are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist. She thinks why not and drops the towel down
and takes the money.
Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers
them if she will just let the towel go altogether. She thinks she has come this far so what
the heck and drops the towel to the ground.
Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.
When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and
asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill.
The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he
owes me?"
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified
to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband
stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I
offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had
forgotten about in the fridge. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes
you didn't wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater that you never
wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a
pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,
'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are...
An eldery couple is enjoying an aniversary dinner together in a
small tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife. Do you remember the first time we had
sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the
fence and i made love to you.
"Yes she says : I remember it well"
Ok he says " how about taking a stroll a round there again and
we can do it for old times sake"
Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this and having a chuckle to himself. he thinks,"I've got to see this: two old-timers having
sex against a fence ,Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. He follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided
by walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence.The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she
turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, Suddenly they erupt
into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen,
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. this goes on
for about forty minutes'She's yelling "Ohhhh,God" he's hanging on to her
hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable,
Finally, the both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed; He thinks he has learned something about
life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on,
The policeman, still watching thinks, " That was truly amazing,
he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, " That was something else,
you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had
a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?
" No , there's no secret " the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with
him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says, 'What a great chest you have.'
The bodybuilder tells her, 'That's 500 kg of dynamite.'
He takes off his pants and the woman says, 'What massive calves
you have.'
The bodybuilder tells her, 'That's 500 kg of dynamite.'
He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and
screaming out of the apartment.
The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He
finally catches up and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.
The woman replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after I saw what a short fuse you have.'
