Sport
So ya know, I've been
taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say they are great. Teach you how to
be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just
the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I
turned into a chicken and ran!
* * *
One Day the Devil
challenged the Lord to a Judo tournament. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You
don't have a chance, I have Kano, Mifune, Kotani, Kimura and all the greatest
players up here".
"Yes", snickered the Devil, "but I have all the referees."
* * *
A farmer dies and goes to
hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the
rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent
humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The
farmer says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in
June."
The Devil isn't happy with
the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees
and the humidity to 90 percent.
After turning everything
up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as
can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer
says, "This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July."
The Devil, now upset,
decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees
and the humidity to 100 percent.
Once again, he goes
looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than
before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like
working in the silo with my friends in August."
The Devil says, "That's
it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25
degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Lets see what the farmer has to
say about this."
A little while later, the
Devil finds the farmer - only nowhe's jumping up and down for joy and yelling,
"The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!"
* * *
What do you do when your
opponent claims to have found his ball in the rough and you know he's a liar
because his ball is in your pocket?
* * *
A guy stood over his tee
shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the
distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated
partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!"
The
guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make
this a perfect shot."
"Well, hell, man, you
don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
* * *
A guy is
stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck
in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little
closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he
thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde
woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy
and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and
unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh
cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it,
takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh, man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long
has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years ! "
She reaches over, unzips
her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to
him.
He takes a long swig and
says, "Wow, that's fantastic !"
Then she starts unzipping
this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him,
"And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies "My
God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !"
* * *
Rich texans are fabled for
their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course
followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise-lounge, his opponents
thought that was taking style too far.
"J.R., are you going to
make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was
asked.
"Caddie, my eye,"
explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist."
* * *
Two golfers were
discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to Bill, a
recent father.
"Harry, this is too much
for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't get my wife there in time
and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn."
Harry took the bill,
crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee," it read.
* * *
A woman playing golf was
stung by a bee. Afraid she'd have an allergic reaction, she ran back to the
clubhouse to find the pro. Finding him, she says breathlessly, "I've been stung
by a bee! What shall I do?" "Where were you stung?" the pro asks. "Between the
first and second hole!" "Lady, we gotta work on your stance."
* * *
Four married guys go
golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following
conversation ensued. First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be
able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will
paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had
to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy:
"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the
kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the
fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything
about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the
deal?" Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes
off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or
Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"
