Police
A policeman pulls a man
over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over
he says "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been
drinking?"
The man gets really
indignant and says "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed.
Have you been eating doughnuts?"
* * *
A man who is driving a car
is stopped by a police officer.
Officer: "You were going
at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going
60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were
going 80."
Officer: "I'm also going
to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I
didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've
known about that tail light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going
to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it
off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you
never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and
yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman
and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's
drunk."
* * *
Late one Friday night a
policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.
He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis
Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven
pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these
mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to
drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness -
couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle
for later ..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his
bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and
said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a
breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said,
"Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
* * *
A policeman stops a lady
and asks for her license.
Policeman: "Lady, it says
here that you should be wearing glasses."
Woman: "Well, I have
contacts."
Policeman: "I don't care
who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
* * *
The Los Angeles Police
Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They
place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and
mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude
that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two
weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including
the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They
come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay!
Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
* * *
Officer: "When I saw you
driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
Lady: "You're wrong,
officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."
* * *
A police officer stopped a
motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began "I can
explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped
the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets
back."
"But, officer, I just
wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet!
You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the
officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at
his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it,"
answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
* * *
A tourist asks a man in
uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover
detective."
"So why are you in
uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
* * *
A man was recently flying
to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great
policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know
first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it
really slow!"
* * *
A policeman is on scene at
a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the
pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on
bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope,
doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch
scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the
head. "Head on curb."
* * *
A client of a hospital
where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well,
this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and
costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What?
How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You
see, it's totally unused."
