School
A mom and dad were worried about their son not
wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a
Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the
house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a
little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him
sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of
the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives
it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad
are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well,
on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the
plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they
meant business."
* * *
The parents were very disappointed in the
grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these
awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his
exams."
* * *
"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think
so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."
* * *
Girl: "Mommy, today in school I was punished
for something that I didn't do."
Mother: "But that's terrible! I'm going to
have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you
didn't do?"
Girl: "My homework."
* * *
The child comes home from his first day at
school.
Mother: "What did you learn today?"
Kid: "Not enough. I have to
go back tomorrow."
* * *
Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father:
"Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father:
"But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father:
"What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"
* * *
Teacher: "If you reached in your right pocket
and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one,
what would you have?"
Boy: "Somebody else's pants."
* * *
Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a
tree called?"
Johnny: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Johnny,
bark."
Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"
* * *
Teacher: "Suppose there were a dozen sheep and
six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
Boy:
"None."
Teacher: "None? You don't know your arithmetic!"
Boy: "Teacher,
you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
* * *
Teacher: "If I give you two rabbits and two
rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "No, listen carefully again. If I
give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits
have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Let's try this another way. If I
give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have
you got?"
Boy: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I give you two rabbits
and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "How on earth do you work out that
three lots of two rabbits is seven?"
Boy: "I've already got one rabbit at home
now!"
* * *
Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is
round?"
Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
* * *
Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying
about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much
fishing?"
"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two
worms".
The teacher is droning away in the classroom
when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to
the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to
sleep, you wake him up!"
* * *
Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my
class."
Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."
* * *
"If there are any idiots in the room, will
they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one
freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an
idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the
student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
* * *
The science teacher lecturing his class in
biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into
his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second,
thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."
* * *
The teacher brings a statue of Venus into
class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you,
Robert."
Robert: "The artwork."
Teacher: "Very good. And you,
Peter?"
Peter: "Her tits!"
Teacher: "Peter, get out! Go stand in the
hall! And you, Johnny?"
Johnny: "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
* * *
Boy: "Isn't the principal a dummy!"
Girl:
"Say, do you know who I am?"
Boy: "No."
Girl: "I'm the principal's
daughter."
Boy: "And do you know who I am?"
Girl: "No,"
Boy: "Thank
goodness!"
* * *
Teacher: "Why are you late?"
Boy: "Because
of a sign down the road."
Teacher: "What does a sign have to do with your
being late?"
Boy: "The sign said, 'School Ahead, Go Slow!'"
* * *
Teacher: "You missed school yesterday, didn't
you?"
Boy: "Not a bit!"
* * *
Teacher: "How do you spell "dog"?"
Boy: "D,
o, g, enter."
* * *
Boy: "I've just had the most awful time. First
I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got
psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed
by appendectomy."
Friend: "Wow! How did you pull through?"
Boy: "I don't know. Toughest spelling test I
ever had!"
* * *
A gentleman wanders around the campus of a
college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me,
young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling
tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a
sentence with a preposition!"
The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic
tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would
you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
* * *
The English teacher's husband walked in and
caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm
surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am
surprised. You are astonished."
* * *
An English professor complained to the pet
shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never
taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor.
"But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."
* * *
The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A
student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make
it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to
"timber(1+x)"
