The big-rig driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker who was
wearing very short shorts.
"What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she
climbed up into the truck.
"It's Snow -- Roy Snow," he answered, "and
yours?"
"Me, I'm June Hansen," she said.
"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong
glances?" she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road.
"Oh, I was just thinkin' what it might be like," he
drawled, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices
she is using the wrong grip.
After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says
"OK, just grip it like you do your husband's member".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down
the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racket out of
your mouth."
Four women are sitting around after a card party. They start
complaining about their sex lives.
The first woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he
wants to do is sing to it."
The second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he wants
to do is examine it."
The third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he
wants to do is talk about it."
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, "My husband's
a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore hell out of it, and he has been working on it ever
since."
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and they were
going at it for a while when the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does
and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "open your legs a
little wider".
She does, then he asks again, "a little wider hun".
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. Till finally
he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells "what are you trying to do get your balls
in too?"
He says "no, I'm trying to get them out."
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said,
"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful
girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to
talk with you. Look at your mother George. She and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful
wife and mother but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom so ... I used to fool
around with women a lot.
Susan is actually your half sister and I'm afraid you can't marry
her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually
started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Mom,
Dad ... Dianne said yes!
We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and
broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the
news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get
married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half
sister."
"Ha Haa," his mother chuckled, shaking her head,
"Don't pay any attention to what he says, you can marry either of those girls.”
“But Mum that’s sick, it’s incest.”
“No… no… dear, it’s Ok, because he's not really your father."
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided
to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response,
the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling
yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a
starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his
wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69
position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter
pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my
wife shit on my face, bit my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the
air!"
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He
was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in
spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time
to go home and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the
top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting.
'What's up?' he says.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling.
his four-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and
he's got no clothes on!'
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the
wardrobe floor.
'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a heart attack and
you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!'
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've
gotta help me, I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks?
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife”
“ TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so
much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my
secretary”.
“TWICE a day!!! Well that is probably a bit excessive," says
the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a
prostitute”.
"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor.
"You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself,
"I feel great, just great".
Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great,
honey!"
She replies,. "Well you look terrible"!
He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's
probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and
says, "Joe, I feel great".
Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look
terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual
disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency
consult. He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I
look terrible."
The physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me
look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the
pages mutters to himself:
"Feels great, looks great, no that's not you".
"Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you".
"Feels great, looks
terrible...Yes that's you... "It says here you're a vagina!"
A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that
tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once
in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..."
She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over
here and teasing me like that?"
He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I
can turn the page."
A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
$5,000 and feels really good about the result.
On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before
leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do
you think I am ?"
"About 35", was the reply. "I’m actually 47",
the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the
order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I’d guess you’re 29 ?"
"Nope, I am actually 47". He’s starting to feel really
good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question, She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesignt is going. But when I was young there was
a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls
for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and
let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady saus, "OK, it’s done. You are
47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant ! How did you do
that ?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
A young couple was on their way to Las Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a
confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very
flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if
she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said
that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby,
and if the girl wished to cancel the wedding, it'd be fine by him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not
mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex.
Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other.
They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the
girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his
clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor.
After she came to, the guy asked, 'I told you before we got
married, why did you still faint?'
The girl said, 'You told me it was just like a baby.'
The guy replied, 'Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.'
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was
still a virgin and very inexperienced around men.
So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she
was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
'Don't worry Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs
and he'll take care of you.' So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his
shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's
got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.' So up she went again. When she got up in the
bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took
off his pants and he's got hairy legs.'
'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good
man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got up
there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three
toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a
foot-and-a-half.'
'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother. 'This is a job for
Mama!'
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t
wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.
"Honey!" he says, "you’re not going to believe
this! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great."
"When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear."
"When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the
fire truck."
"When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire
truck." He excitedly tells his wife.
Triumphantly he says, "We’re going to do the same thing for
our sex life!"
"When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked."
"When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed".
"When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let’s
give a test run. OK, ready?"
"Bell #1!" (they strip naked)
"Bell #2!" (they hop into bed)
"Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out)
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell
#4! Bell #4!".
The husband confused says,"Bell #4, What’s that?"
The wife screams "More hose! More hose! You are not reaching
the fire!!!"
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost.
It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's
been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has
vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he
sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an
old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground.
The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and
haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal
and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one
condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I
promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then
I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house.
Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well,
that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the
granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had
been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional
monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each
other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls bedroom and they had quite
a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that
night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that
experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest.
He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign
saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as
he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the
backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to
right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window
after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture
test: Left testicle tied to bed post".
