Two drug dealers get brought before a judge. The judge says that if they could get others to stop selling drugs over the weekend that they would be found innocent.
That monday the judge said to the first one how many people did you get to stop doing drugs? He replied 15. The judge said very good how did you do it? The reply was I drew a small circle and a big circle and said that the small circle was your brain after doing drugs.
The Judge said ok, how about you he said while pointing to the second guy. The reply was I got 1500 people to stop. The Judge said How in God's name did you get so many to stop. The guy said I also drew a big and little circle and said that the little circle was your asshole before jail.
Last week I was with one of the summer interns, and in the lobby, the receptionist was complaining that her printer wasn't working. The intern messed around with it and discovered the problem. A pen was stuck inside, causing it to jam.
He started to fiddle with it, and tried sticking his fingers down inside to get the pen, but I told him we didn't have time for that right now. I told him to put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it, and we would report it to the help desk.
So he grabs a piece of paper and starts to write the note down. I left before he finished the note, so I wondered why not even 20 minutes later, I got a call from one of my techs. He said that he had found the note on the printer, and was slightly concerned. Not understanding why, I asked him to bring the note to me. What could possible cause a concern about a jammed printer. Seeing the note, I understood why:
"DONOT TOUCH PENIS INSIDE!"
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said.
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying "this is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses...
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance.
Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
(got it.. the vaseline was for the father)
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to make love with you."
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
The father shouts back, "Yes, both of them!"
One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom. The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need a bra."
The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.
The next week they are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle."
The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge.
One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother."
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moon child?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
The Mom paused and then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.
The second dog turned to him and asked, 'What are you in here for, buddy?'
The dog looked depressed. 'I'm in big trouble,' he said. 'My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep.'
'I know how you feel,' said the second dog. 'My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself. I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep too.'
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.
'So what are you here for?' they asked.
'Well', said the third dog, 'my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.'
The other dogs nodded in sympathy.
'So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?'
'No,' said the dog, 'I'm having my nails clipped.'
This guy was taking his son on a roadtrip...and the man pulls out a bottle of beer. The son looking so amazed goes "Dad can i have one?"
The man replies "Can your dick touch ur ass?"
the son says "No" the dad replies "Then your not old enough" A few miles later the dad pulls out a ciggarette. The son says "Dad can i have a drag" The dad goes " Can your dick touch your ass?"
the son replies once more "No"...The dad then stops off at a gas station noticing that his son isnt having too much fun and buys him a lottery ticket...Turns out the lottery ticket was a winning one.. The dad then goes to the son "Hey how bout u share some of that with ur old man" The sone then replies "Can your dick touch ur ass?"
and the dad in excitement bursts out screaming "Yes Yes Yes!" and the son replies....
"Good...go fuck yourself then..."
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan.
They were touring around the marketplace in Karachi looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.'
Well, the wife was interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'
The Pakistani said, ‘just try them on, sahib.'
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes - something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani, bent him violently over a table yanked down his pants and ripped down his own trousers, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.
The Pakistani began screaming, 'You have them on the wrong feet!'
