Animals
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the
corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry
detergent.
The grocer walked over and, trying to be
friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to
wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog.
It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it
might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried
the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to
talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the
store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so,
said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that
detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was
the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
* * *
A bear and a rabbit
were having a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it
when shit gets stuck to your fir?" and the rabbit replies "No, not really." So
the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.
* * *
This blind fella is standing at the corner
with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his
leg and you guessed it, right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed
trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a
doggie treat which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross
the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "None of my business, but
are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your
pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of that habit",
replies the blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," retorts the
onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a
treat!" To which the blind fella chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just
trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"
* * *
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a
guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a
Chihuahua "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy
with the Chihuahua says "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy
with the Doberman Pinscher says "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the
restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses
and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says "Sorry, no pets allowed." The
guy with the Doberman Pinscher says "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye
dog." The guy at the door says "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says "Yes, they're
using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says "Come on in." The
guy with the Chihuahua figures "What the heck", so he puts on a pair of dark
glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says "Sorry, no pets
allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the
Chihuahua says "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!"
* * *
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is
told "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know
everything about you." The frog says "This is great! Will I meet her at a party
or what?" "No," says the psychic, "next term in her biology lesson."
* * *
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.
The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go
and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the
mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of
the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from
sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were
playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken
yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said "I
think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and
said "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled
himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a
horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
* * *
There's two fish in a tank, one says to the
other "Do you know how to drive this?"
* * *
There were these two guys out hiking when they
came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a
pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard
nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing.
They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With
great difficulty , the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While
waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into
the hole!
The guys were still standing there with
astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked
up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they
said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man
replied "Oh no, that couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
* * *
A guy walks into a petstore. For the past two
weeks he has suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he decides to buy a
parrot that can tell him what goes on at his housee during the day while he is
at work. "Wel,"' says the petstore owner, "I only got one bird that can do that,
but he's got no legs." The guy looks at him and says "Well if he ain't got no
legs, how's he balance himself on the perch." "He's got a really long penis, so
he wraps it around the perch." The guy thinks it over and decides to buy the
parrot. He takes it home and sure enough the bird wraps his penis around the
perch for balance.
Everyday the man comes home and asks the
parrot if his wife has been cheating on him. Everytime the same answer "Raawk,
nothing doing, Raawk". One day he comes home and finds the parrot lying on the
bottom of its birdcage. He picks it up and asks what has happened. "Raawk, big
happenings, Raawk, big happenings." "What happened?" asks the man. The parrot
responds "Raawk, first your best friend came over, Raawk, then your wife made
him breakfast, raawk, then they started kissing, raawk, then your wife took off
her shirt." "And then what happens?!" asks the man really upset. "Raawk, I don't
know, thats when I got a woody and fell off my perch!"
* * *
A penguin was driving through the desert when
his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA. His car was
quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a
couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird,
didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded
to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he
got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then
he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic
walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying "It looks like
you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said "Oh, no! It's just ice cream."
* * *
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for
nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom
in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. Bob buys a cow and
teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of
Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up
in front of Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the
18-wheeler. "My new pet elephant" Bill replies solemly.
* * *
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.
Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the
conductor. Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five
minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow
again?"
* * *
A man was in a hurry to board the airplane and
didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the
man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane.
About 30 minutes into the flight a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming
in his seat.
Stewardess: "Are you OK, mister?"
Man: "Yes, I'm fine."
Time went by and again the stewardess noticed
strange movements.
Stewardess: "Are you sure you're all right,
sir?"
Man: "Yes, but I have a confession to make. I
didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him
down the front of my pants."
Stewardess: "I see. Well, as long as he's
housebroken, I guess it will be OK."
Man: "Oh, he's housebroken. The problem is,
he's not weaned yet!"
* * *
A fly buzzing around a barn one day when he
happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours
since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate.
Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too
much though and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what
to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the
top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would
be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock,
splatting when he hit the floor.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the
handle when you're full of shit.
* * *
A man was on holiday in the depths of
Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not
prepared to pay the high prices and after having failed to haggle the vendor
down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for
your shoes, man, I'll go and kill my own croc!" to which the shopkeeper replied
"By all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".
The man went out into the Bayou and after a
while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the
'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the
water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator
came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home
with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already
laying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one
exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".
* * *
There's a fella with a parrot. And the parrot
swears like a sailor, an absolute pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
without repeating himself. Trouble is the guy who owns him is a quiet,
conservative type and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it
gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and
yells "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says "OK for you." He locks the bird in a kitchen
cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when
the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities
that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he
throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible
din. The bird kicks and claws, and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very
quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird
may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's worried enough to open
the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and
says "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my
vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the
transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says "By the way,
what did that chicken do to you?"
* * *
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says
"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much?"
the customer asks. The owner says "It knows how to use a computer." The customer
asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it
can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX
operating system." Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third
parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars." Needless to say this begs the
question "What can it do?!" The owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it
do a thing but the other two call him boss!"
