Lawyer
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is
2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's
either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more
time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
voice "How much do you want it to be?"
* * *
A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor
that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked,
"What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in
price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can
get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.
"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a
little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a
surgeon's brain costs."
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound
of brain?" the doctor replied.
* * *
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father,
Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to
geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's
father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked
if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I
explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
* * *
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay,
there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to
his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to
where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his
assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the
line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind
all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well,
I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my
calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
* * *
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city
sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was
asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a
shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
* * *
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They
referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
* * *
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow,
after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied,
"ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to
that question."
* * *
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly
Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station.
After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to
their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down
on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all
sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be
spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says
to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my
digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below
begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined
with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes
new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a
mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put
that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of
terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and
replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with
spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with
them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate,
because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
* * *
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz and after a long
trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who
had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant
for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal.
What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied
Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I
stole."
* * *
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for
a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I
wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
* * *
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and
the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would
take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to
impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main
lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a
novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was
over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty.
The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of
patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a
verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
* * *
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
* * *
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little
girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of
course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The
tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
* * *
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client,
but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
* * *
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we
better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of
the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".
So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the
man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How
can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and
totally useless".
* * *
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with
the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged
his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover
with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you
were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten
married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks
found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and
decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
* * *
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said,
"And where do you think *you're* going to find a lawyer?"
* * *
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are
mythological creatures.
* * *
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that
they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.
Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but the
NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
1) The lab assistants
were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was
interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for
a lawyer.
2) Lawyers breed faster.
3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for
and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're
studying.
4) There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes
it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings.