Men&Women
The woman applying for a job in a Florida
lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Foreman: "Look Miss, have you any actual experience in
picking lemons?"
Woman: "Well, as a matter if fact, yes! I've been
divorced three times."
* * *
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two
of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives,
while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and
says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have
over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other
night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?"
they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
* * *
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant
with friends.You order what you want, then when you see what the other person
has, you wish you had ordered that.
* * *
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I
am, I married the wrong man."
* * *
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."
* * *
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband
wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
* * *
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and
said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you
want from me, sympathy?"
* * *
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better
revenge than to let her keep him.
* * *
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
* * *
A little boy asked his father "Daddy, how much does it
cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."
* * *
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts
of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Father: "That
happens in every country, son."
* * *
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got
married; and then it was too late."
* * *
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my
husband a millionaire."
Friend: "And what was he before you married him?"
Woman: "A billionaire."
* * *
During a heated spat over finances the husband said,
"Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could
fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn
how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
* * *
When making love, most married men fantasize that their
wives aren't fantasizing.
* * *
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to
get your laundry done free.
* * *
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.
* * *
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still
alive."
