Legal Operations
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break, discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, " I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their head and butt are interchangeable."
Short Ones
Q: What is the difference between an attorney and one sperm?
A: The sperm has at least on chance in a million of becoming a human being!!!!
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. - Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Longer Jokes:
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic profession brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George say "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put "here lies an honest lawyer''."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
At a convention of biological scientists' one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summerhouse in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
*** EXPERT ADVICE
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table
and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I
suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to
get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
Return to Top
Subject: surd special
Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 00:34:31 -0400
> Santa Singh & Banta Singh Special :
> Santa Singh and Banta Singh were sitting on a tree and
> Santa Singh was singing a song. After 4 songs Santa
> Singh hung himself upside down and started singing
> again.
> Banta Singh : Santa Singh what is the matter with
> you?Why are you hanging upside down.
> Santa Singh : I am singing the B side.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Santa singh went to the SSN office and was given a
> form to fill up. He came across a question "Sex ?".
> Santa singh wrote "3 times a week". The clerk saw that
> and said, "you have to write male or female" Santa
> singh thought for a while and wrote "Preferrably
> female"
> > <<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>>
> > > Failure is just an opportunity to start more
> intelligently
> > > <<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>>
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > > 1. Newton's Method:
> > > >
> > > > Let Veerappan catch you. For every action there is equal and
> > opposite
> > > > reaction.
> > > > Implies you caught Veerappan.
> > > >
> > > > 2. Einstein Method:
> > > >
> > > > Run in the direction opposite to that of Veerappan. Due to higher
> > > > relative
> > > > velocity, the Veerappan will also run faster and will get tired
> > > > soon. Now you can trap Him easily.
> > > >
> > > > 3. Schrodinger Method:
> > > >
> > > > At any given moment, there is a positive probability that Veerappan
> > to
> > > > be
> > > > in the
> > > > Jungle. So set the sandal trap, sit down and wait.
> > > >
> > > > 4. Inverse Transformation Method:
> > > >
> > > > We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an
> > > > inverse
> > > > transformation with
> > > > respect to Veerappan. Veerappan is in and we are out.
> > > >
> > > > 5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
> > > >
> > > > We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows every thing to
> > pass
> > > > it
> > > > except
> > > > Veerappan. Then sweep the entire forest with it.
> > > >
> > > > 6. Integration Differentiation Method:
> > > >
> > > > Integrate the forest over the entire area. Veerappan is some where
> in
> > > > the
> > > > result.
> > > > So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t Veerappan to trace out
> > > > Veerappan.
> > > >
> > > > 7. The Banta's singh's Method
> > > >
> > > > Don't even try. You'll get caught by Veerappan!
*** Dim Bulb
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and
one to change the bulb.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break, discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, " I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their head and butt are interchangeable."
Short Ones
Q: What is the difference between an attorney and one sperm?
A: The sperm has at least on chance in a million of becoming a human being!!!!
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. - Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Longer Jokes:
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic profession brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George say "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put "here lies an honest lawyer''."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
At a convention of biological scientists' one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summerhouse in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
*** EXPERT ADVICE
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table
and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I
suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to
get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
Return to Top
Subject: surd special
Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 00:34:31 -0400
> Santa Singh & Banta Singh Special :
> Santa Singh and Banta Singh were sitting on a tree and
> Santa Singh was singing a song. After 4 songs Santa
> Singh hung himself upside down and started singing
> again.
> Banta Singh : Santa Singh what is the matter with
> you?Why are you hanging upside down.
> Santa Singh : I am singing the B side.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Santa singh went to the SSN office and was given a
> form to fill up. He came across a question "Sex ?".
> Santa singh wrote "3 times a week". The clerk saw that
> and said, "you have to write male or female" Santa
> singh thought for a while and wrote "Preferrably
> female"
> > <<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>>
> > > Failure is just an opportunity to start more
> intelligently
> > > <<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>><<<^>>>
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > > 1. Newton's Method:
> > > >
> > > > Let Veerappan catch you. For every action there is equal and
> > opposite
> > > > reaction.
> > > > Implies you caught Veerappan.
> > > >
> > > > 2. Einstein Method:
> > > >
> > > > Run in the direction opposite to that of Veerappan. Due to higher
> > > > relative
> > > > velocity, the Veerappan will also run faster and will get tired
> > > > soon. Now you can trap Him easily.
> > > >
> > > > 3. Schrodinger Method:
> > > >
> > > > At any given moment, there is a positive probability that Veerappan
> > to
> > > > be
> > > > in the
> > > > Jungle. So set the sandal trap, sit down and wait.
> > > >
> > > > 4. Inverse Transformation Method:
> > > >
> > > > We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an
> > > > inverse
> > > > transformation with
> > > > respect to Veerappan. Veerappan is in and we are out.
> > > >
> > > > 5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
> > > >
> > > > We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows every thing to
> > pass
> > > > it
> > > > except
> > > > Veerappan. Then sweep the entire forest with it.
> > > >
> > > > 6. Integration Differentiation Method:
> > > >
> > > > Integrate the forest over the entire area. Veerappan is some where
> in
> > > > the
> > > > result.
> > > > So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t Veerappan to trace out
> > > > Veerappan.
> > > >
> > > > 7. The Banta's singh's Method
> > > >
> > > > Don't even try. You'll get caught by Veerappan!
*** Dim Bulb
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and
one to change the bulb.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
