*** WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?
The sailor came home from a secret two-year mission only to find his
wife with a new-born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down
the father to extract revenge.
"Just tell me one thing! Which one of my no-good friends did this?"
he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
Y2K Fix
Dear Boss:
I hope that I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year (year 2000). The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
Sundak
Blonde Cowboy
One day a blonde was horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started going too fast and bouncing out of control. The blonde tried with all her might to hang on, but soon was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as the blonde was about to give up hope and was losing consciousness... The K-Mart manager came out and unplugged the horse.
Blonde Escapees
There were these three women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, that had just escaped from prison. There was a farm close to the prison and the three women headed for it to hide. So as the police were chasing them, they found a barn with three big flour sacks. Big enough for them to hide in, so they each got in a sack. The police came around to search the barn, they were about to leave when one officer suggested that they check those three flour bags. A policemen went up to the first bag and kicked it, the brunette replied, "Bark, bark!". The policemen concluded that there were only dogs in this bag. He went to the second bag and kicked it and the redhead said, "Meow, meow!". The policemen concluded that there were only cats in this bag. He went to the third bag and kicked it and the blonde said, "Potatoes, potatoes!"
Blonde Swimmer
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race.
The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out.
The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde".
The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."
Blonde Passenger
A stewardess encountered a blonde sitting in the first class section with a business class ticket. She told her she would not be able to sit in that section and the blonde refused to move. She said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." The stewardess went to the head steward who went to the lady and again asked her to move because she was sitting in the first class section and didn't belong there. Again the lady said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." Finally, in exasperation they went to the pilot and explained the situation. He replied, "Oh, I can take care of that. My wife is a blonde." He went back and whispered to the lady and she immediately got up and walked back to the business section. The others were curious as to why she responded so quickly for him and asked for an explanation. The pilot said, "Oh, it was simple. I just told her that the first class section wasn't going to New York.
Family Death
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies..... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states...... "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........ are you gonna be ok??" "No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
The Blonde Farmer
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
The Coke Machine
A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the Coke, putting it in her pockets. After a while she has a Coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the Cokes around her on the floor. Finally, the guy behind her, getting mad, asks her, "What Are You Doing?! She responds, "Duh, I'm winning."
51 Days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows."51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in"51 days!"
Blonde Kidnapper
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Busted Blonde
Three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss, Ms. Taylor, left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that when their boss left, they would all leave early too. The next day, when their boss left, they did too. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick workout before her dinner date. The Blonde went home, walked into her bedroom, and saw her husband in bed with her boss. So she shut the door and left. The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head talked about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"
Blonde Pilots
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
The Porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Redhead Jokes
1) What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
A redhead won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.
2) How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.
3) What do you get when you mix a redhead, a battery and potato chips?
A redhead who's Eveready and Frito-Lay.
4) What's the Redhead Dating Motto?
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
5) What do redheads and McDonald's have in common?
You've never had it so good and so fast.
6) How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
Say something!!!
7) Two men were talking. One said: "I'd love to be casseroled by a redhead." "What's that mean?" his puzzled friend said, "Casseroled is a cooking term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time." The first man shrugged. Exactly," he replied.
8) How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds.
9) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Doughboy?
An ANGRY redhead with a yeast infection!
10) What's the true definition of a blonde?
Redhead with the fire of passion missing.
11) What do you call a bunch of Blondes in a Freezer?
Frosted Flakes
Quick Ones
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
Why do blondes always wear hoop earrings?
They have to have someplace to rest their ankles.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a curricular room and tell her to pee in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
Tells you she did it.
What does a blonde an a computer have in common?
You never appreciate either one until they go down on you.
What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
All you can eat under a buck.
What is the similarity between a smart blonde, Santa and the tooth
fairy?
They are all make believe.
Why did the blonde climb on the roof?
She heard that drinks were on the house.
What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words
of the national anthem are?
Play ball.
How do you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
There is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... blondes will screw anything.
What is the difference between blondes and government bonds?
Bonds mature blondes don't.
How do you tell if a blonde is sexually satisfied?
Who cares.
Why do blondes rub their eyes when they wake up?
They don't have balls to scratch.
How are blondes and parking spaces alike?
All the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are
handicapped.
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
How is a blonde different than a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.
Why is a blondes brain pea sized in the morning?
It swelled.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
Artificial intelligence.
What do a blonde and a screen door have in common?
The more you bang them the looser they get.
What do turtles and blondes have in common?
Once they're on their back they're screwed.
How is a blonde like a doorknob?
Everybody gets a turn.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
What do blondes say in the morning?
Who are you guys anyways.
What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Why did the blonde get fired from the m & m factory?
She threw out all the ones with w's.
What can strike a blonde without them even knowing it?
A thought
What is the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take your shoe's off before you get on a trampoline.
Why don't blondes like vibrators?
They're hard on their teeth.
A dumb blonde a smart blonde and Santa Claus jump off of a bridge,
who makes the bigger splash?
The dumb blonde because the others don't exist.
What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
One's a busy ditch.
Sports Car Blonde
One sunny day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a red Mitsubishi 3000GT for speeding. He walked up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. Immediately, he was stunned by just how beautiful she was! Probably the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid eyes on. I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers license and registration please." "...What's a license...???" replied the blonde. Big blue eyes sweetly looking up at him. "Your drivers license is generally in a wallet", replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?.." asked the cop. "Registration?..... What's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop patiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "Thank you Ma'am. I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his patrol car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm....is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer. "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..." "WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..."Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer..."
Traffic Stop
A state trooper pulls over a car driven by a young blonde woman.
Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway- why are you going so slow?" Blonde Woman: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on! Blonde Woman: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the passengers are shaking and trembling. Cop: "Excuse me, miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." Blonde Woman: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
Short Ones
What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?
An airbag!
Why do blondes have square breasts?
They forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box!
How do you confuse a blonde?
Give her a pack of M&M's and tell her to put it in alphabetical order.
Blonde Swimmers
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are in the 50 meter breaststroke swimming competition. The redhead finished first and the brunette came in second. After half an hour, the blonde finally got to the finish line, completely exhausted. The paramedics revived her with a shot of brandy and a cup of coffee and wrapped her up in blankets. When she could finally speak, she said, "I hate to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other girls were using their arms!"
Blonde Carpenters
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"
The Hot Date
A young man finally won a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
The sailor came home from a secret two-year mission only to find his
wife with a new-born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down
the father to extract revenge.
"Just tell me one thing! Which one of my no-good friends did this?"
he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
Y2K Fix
Dear Boss:
I hope that I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year (year 2000). The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
Sundak
Blonde Cowboy
One day a blonde was horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started going too fast and bouncing out of control. The blonde tried with all her might to hang on, but soon was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as the blonde was about to give up hope and was losing consciousness... The K-Mart manager came out and unplugged the horse.
Blonde Escapees
There were these three women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, that had just escaped from prison. There was a farm close to the prison and the three women headed for it to hide. So as the police were chasing them, they found a barn with three big flour sacks. Big enough for them to hide in, so they each got in a sack. The police came around to search the barn, they were about to leave when one officer suggested that they check those three flour bags. A policemen went up to the first bag and kicked it, the brunette replied, "Bark, bark!". The policemen concluded that there were only dogs in this bag. He went to the second bag and kicked it and the redhead said, "Meow, meow!". The policemen concluded that there were only cats in this bag. He went to the third bag and kicked it and the blonde said, "Potatoes, potatoes!"
Blonde Swimmer
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race.
The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out.
The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde".
The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."
Blonde Passenger
A stewardess encountered a blonde sitting in the first class section with a business class ticket. She told her she would not be able to sit in that section and the blonde refused to move. She said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." The stewardess went to the head steward who went to the lady and again asked her to move because she was sitting in the first class section and didn't belong there. Again the lady said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." Finally, in exasperation they went to the pilot and explained the situation. He replied, "Oh, I can take care of that. My wife is a blonde." He went back and whispered to the lady and she immediately got up and walked back to the business section. The others were curious as to why she responded so quickly for him and asked for an explanation. The pilot said, "Oh, it was simple. I just told her that the first class section wasn't going to New York.
Family Death
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies..... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states...... "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........ are you gonna be ok??" "No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
The Blonde Farmer
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
The Coke Machine
A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the Coke, putting it in her pockets. After a while she has a Coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the Cokes around her on the floor. Finally, the guy behind her, getting mad, asks her, "What Are You Doing?! She responds, "Duh, I'm winning."
51 Days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows."51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in"51 days!"
Blonde Kidnapper
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Busted Blonde
Three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss, Ms. Taylor, left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that when their boss left, they would all leave early too. The next day, when their boss left, they did too. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick workout before her dinner date. The Blonde went home, walked into her bedroom, and saw her husband in bed with her boss. So she shut the door and left. The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head talked about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"
Blonde Pilots
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
The Porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Redhead Jokes
1) What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
A redhead won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.
2) How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.
3) What do you get when you mix a redhead, a battery and potato chips?
A redhead who's Eveready and Frito-Lay.
4) What's the Redhead Dating Motto?
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
5) What do redheads and McDonald's have in common?
You've never had it so good and so fast.
6) How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
Say something!!!
7) Two men were talking. One said: "I'd love to be casseroled by a redhead." "What's that mean?" his puzzled friend said, "Casseroled is a cooking term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time." The first man shrugged. Exactly," he replied.
8) How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds.
9) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Doughboy?
An ANGRY redhead with a yeast infection!
10) What's the true definition of a blonde?
Redhead with the fire of passion missing.
11) What do you call a bunch of Blondes in a Freezer?
Frosted Flakes
Quick Ones
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
Why do blondes always wear hoop earrings?
They have to have someplace to rest their ankles.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a curricular room and tell her to pee in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
Tells you she did it.
What does a blonde an a computer have in common?
You never appreciate either one until they go down on you.
What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
All you can eat under a buck.
What is the similarity between a smart blonde, Santa and the tooth
fairy?
They are all make believe.
Why did the blonde climb on the roof?
She heard that drinks were on the house.
What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words
of the national anthem are?
Play ball.
How do you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
There is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... blondes will screw anything.
What is the difference between blondes and government bonds?
Bonds mature blondes don't.
How do you tell if a blonde is sexually satisfied?
Who cares.
Why do blondes rub their eyes when they wake up?
They don't have balls to scratch.
How are blondes and parking spaces alike?
All the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are
handicapped.
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
How is a blonde different than a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.
Why is a blondes brain pea sized in the morning?
It swelled.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
Artificial intelligence.
What do a blonde and a screen door have in common?
The more you bang them the looser they get.
What do turtles and blondes have in common?
Once they're on their back they're screwed.
How is a blonde like a doorknob?
Everybody gets a turn.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
What do blondes say in the morning?
Who are you guys anyways.
What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Why did the blonde get fired from the m & m factory?
She threw out all the ones with w's.
What can strike a blonde without them even knowing it?
A thought
What is the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take your shoe's off before you get on a trampoline.
Why don't blondes like vibrators?
They're hard on their teeth.
A dumb blonde a smart blonde and Santa Claus jump off of a bridge,
who makes the bigger splash?
The dumb blonde because the others don't exist.
What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
One's a busy ditch.
Sports Car Blonde
One sunny day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a red Mitsubishi 3000GT for speeding. He walked up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. Immediately, he was stunned by just how beautiful she was! Probably the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid eyes on. I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers license and registration please." "...What's a license...???" replied the blonde. Big blue eyes sweetly looking up at him. "Your drivers license is generally in a wallet", replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?.." asked the cop. "Registration?..... What's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop patiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "Thank you Ma'am. I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his patrol car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm....is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer. "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..." "WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..."Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer..."
Traffic Stop
A state trooper pulls over a car driven by a young blonde woman.
Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway- why are you going so slow?" Blonde Woman: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on! Blonde Woman: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the passengers are shaking and trembling. Cop: "Excuse me, miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." Blonde Woman: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
Short Ones
What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?
An airbag!
Why do blondes have square breasts?
They forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box!
How do you confuse a blonde?
Give her a pack of M&M's and tell her to put it in alphabetical order.
Blonde Swimmers
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are in the 50 meter breaststroke swimming competition. The redhead finished first and the brunette came in second. After half an hour, the blonde finally got to the finish line, completely exhausted. The paramedics revived her with a shot of brandy and a cup of coffee and wrapped her up in blankets. When she could finally speak, she said, "I hate to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other girls were using their arms!"
Blonde Carpenters
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"
The Hot Date
A young man finally won a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
