BLOCKHEAD
The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his finger.
"Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch your head."
BONE OF CONTENTION
The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat fellowpassenger.
"I caught you that time!" the fat man hissed.
"Thief yourself!" snorted the timid passenger. "Leggo!"
"Scoundrel!" shouted the fat man.
"Help! Stop thief!" the little fellow spluttered, trying to wrench his hand from the other's clasp. As the car halted, the tall man next the two disputants spoke sharply:
"I want to get off here, if you dubs will be good enough to take your hands out of my pocket."
* * *
During the Civil War, an old negro was deeply interested in the conflict, but showed no sign of wishing to take part in it. A white man questioned him one day:
"The men of the North and South are killing one another on your account. Why don't you pitch in and fight yourself?"
"Has you-all ever seen two dogs fightin' over a bone?" the negro demanded.
"Many times, of course," was the answer.
The old negro chuckled as he said:
"Did you ever see de bone fight?"
"Well!—no!"
"Dat's all! I'se de bone."
BREAKFAST
The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel:
"You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast."
"An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully.
The Colonel explained:
"Bring me a big steak, a bulldog and a quart of Bourbon whiskey."
"But why do you order a bulldog?" asked the puzzled waiter.
"To eat the steak, suh!" snapped the Colonel.
BREVITY
The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two dollars.
BRIBERY
A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to the captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buy bats, balls, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game. On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe nothing new in the club's paraphernalia. He called the captain to him.
"I don't see any new bats, or balls, or gloves," he said.
"We haven't anything like that," the captain admitted.
"But I gave you five dollars to buy them," the pastor exclaimed.
"Well, you see," came the explanation, "you told us to spend it for bats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to win the game, so we gave it to the umpire."
BRUTALITY
Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called the conductor as referee. "If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will probably die."
"If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly suffocate." The two glared at each other.
The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a red nose who sat near.
These were:
"First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it. That will kill the other. Then we can have peace."
BURGLARY
A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:
"Guess who sent them."
The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
"Now you know!"
CANDOR
Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called.
"I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise.
The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered absent-mindedly:
"Yes, you certainly do."
"Oh, you horrid thing!" Jeanette gasped. "I'll never—never speak to you again!"
CALMNESS
In Bret Harte's Mary McGillup, there is a notable description of calmness in most trying circumstances.
"'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss McGillup?'" asked the vandal officer.
"In a moment I was perfectly calm. With the exception of slightly expectorating twice in the face of the minion I did not betray my agitation."
CARDS
A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name.
When he returned two hours later, the jug was gone. He demanded an explanation from the grocer.
"Simple enough," was the reply. "Jim Slocum come along with a six of hearts, an' jist nacherly took thet thar jug o' yourn."
CARELESSNESS
The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons.
"My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver. "Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket."
CATERPILLARS
The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the can, much perplexed.
"Caterpillars!" he ejaculated. "What are you doing with them?"
"They climb trees and eat the leaves," the boy explained.
"Yes?"
"And so," the boy continued proudly, "I'm foolin' this bunch by lettin' 'em climb the telegraph pole."
CATS
Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty to animals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as much pride as ever a policeman had in his shield. He displayed eagerness in the work, and grew somewhat unpopular with the other boys and girls by reason of his many rebukes for their harsh treatment of animals. But one morning his mother, on looking out of the window, observed to her horror that the erstwhile virtuous Clarence had the family cat by the tail, and was swinging it to and fro with every evidence of glee. In fact, it had been the wailing of the outraged beast that had caused the mother to look out.
"Why, Clarence!" she cried, aghast. "What are you doing to that poor cat? And you a member of the Band of Mercy!"
Little Clarence released the cat, but he showed no shame as he explained:
"I was—but I lost my star."
* * *
The teacher put a question to the class:
"What does a cat have that no other animal has?"
A number cried in unison:
"Fur!"
But an objector raised the point that bears and skunks have fur. One pupil raised an eager hand:
"I know, teacher—whiskers!"
But another objector laughed scornfully.
"Haw-haw! My papa has whiskers!"
The suggester of whiskers defended her idea by declaring: "My papa ain't got whiskers."
"'Cause he can't!" the objector sneered. "Haw-haw! Your pa ain't no good. My pa says——"
The teacher rapped for order, and repeated her question. A little girl raised her hand, and at the teacher's nod spoke timidly.
"Kittens!"
* * *
The little girl returned from church deeply musing on the sermon, in which the preacher had declared that animals, lacking souls, could not go to heaven. As the result of her meditation, she presented a problem to the family at the dinner table, when she asked earnestly:
"If cats don't go to heaven, where do the angels get the strings for their harps?"
CHARITY
"Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun who was passing.
"A Sister of Charity," was the answer.
"Which one," the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?"
CHICKEN-STEALING
The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late at night. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung it open and curtly ordered:
"Come out of there, you ornery thief!"
There was silence for a few seconds, except for the startled clucking of the fowls. Then a heavy bass voice boomed out of the darkness:
"Please, Colonel, dey ain't nobody here 'cept jes' us chickens!"
CHRISTIANITY
A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrified at thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth. Discovering a thin wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward it fearfully, in apprehension that it might be from the campfire of savages. But as he came close, a voice rang out sharply:
"Why in hell did you play that card?" The castaway, already on his knees, raised his hands in devout thanksgiving.
"Thank God!" he exclaimed brokenly. "They are Christians!"
CHRISTMAS
A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a colored man who possessed considerable influence. He suggested to the darky for a Christmas present the choice between a ton of coal and a jug of the best whiskey.
The colored man spoke to the point:
"Ah burns wood."
* * *
Santa Claus inserted an upright piano, a fur dolman, a Ford, and a few like knick-knacks in the Chicago girl's stocking. When he saw that it was not yet half filled, he withdrew to the roof, plumped down on the snow, and wept bitterly.
