TACT
The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice.
"Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of sadness in his voice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives."
His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.
"What do you mean?" she demanded.
The senator explained suavely:
"We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that here are to be found in one."
TALKING MACHINE
Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news item of a country paper:
"Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding her husband, Charles Jardine, a laborer, by striking him with a pair of tongues."
TAR AND FEATHERS
The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with the other. "The excitement," he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it soon came down."
TASTE
A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians. On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question was:
"Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?"
"Yes," was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice—once when it went down, and once when it came up."
* * *
It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed the cow.
* * *
The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a good part of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protest violently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good lady offered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared, the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe her husband.
"Maggie," she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we poisoned for the rats?"
TEARS
The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and she offered as a convincing argument:
"You know it makes little girls homely."
The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then remarked:
"You must have cried an awful lot when you was young."
TENDER MEMORIES
"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where shingles were first used?"
"I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'd rather not."
TERMINOLOGY
When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler coached carefully the new boy who was to carry up the jug of hot water for shaving in the morning.
"When you knock," the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?' then you must say, 'It's the boy, my Lord.'"
The lad, in much nervous trepidation, duly carried up the hot water, but in answer to the bishop's query as to who was at the door, he announced:
"It's the Lord, my boy!"
The butler overheard and was horrified. He hammered into the youth's consciousness, the fact that a bishop must be addressed as my lord. Finally, he was satisfied that the boy understood, and permitted him to assist in serving the dinner that night. The youngster was sent to the bishop to offer a plate of cheese. With shaking knees, he presented the dish to the prelate, and faltered:
"My God, will you have some cheese?"
* * *
The master of the house returned from business somewhat early. He did not find his wife about, and so called downstairs to the cook:
"Bridget, do you know anything of my wife's whereabouts?"
"No, sor," Bridget answered, "Sure, I know nothin' but I'm thinkin', sor, it's likely they're in the wash."
TESTIMONY
Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone.
"It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case opened with my witnesses around me. Then Jones bustled in. He stopped abruptly, and looked my witnesses over carefully. Presently he turned to me.
"'Paul,' he asked, 'are those your witnesses?'
"'They are,' I replied.
"'Then you win,' he exclaimed. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself.'"
* * *
The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of the patent medicine:
"Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. After taking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my husband in addition to my other housework. God bless you!"
* * *
In one of the most desolate areas of Montana, a claim was taken by a man from Iowa. The nearest neighbor, from twenty miles away, visited the homesteader's shack, and introduced himself.
"Where did you come from?" the visitor inquired presently, and when he had been told:
"I can't understand why anybody should want to get out of that civilized country to come and live in this lonesomeness."
"Fact was," the man from Iowa explained somberly, "I didn't exactly like it down there any more.
You see, it was this way. They got to telling things about me. Why, they even said I was a liar and hoss thief, and no better than I ought to be. And, by Jemima, I jest pulled out and went right away from them scandalous folks."
"Well, I swan!" the visitor exclaimed indignantly. "You can bet I wouldn't leave a place for any reason like that. I'd make them prove what they said."
The homesteader sighed dismally as he answered:
"That's jest the trouble—they did prove it!"
THREAT
The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair as the ogre approached forceps in hand:
"Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the dentist's again."
THRIFT
A Scotchman was questioned by a friend:
"Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister."
"Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near—veera near—doin' it, but the bit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And I was a mon, and noo I jist pass her by."
* * *
The thrifty housewife regarded her dying husband with stern disapproval as he moaned and tossed restlessly from side to side.
"William Henry," she rebuked him, "you jest needn't kick and squirm so, and wear them best sheets all out, even if you be a-dyin'."
TIME FLIES
The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours—first nine, then ten, then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth passionately:
"How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!"
"Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That's pa setting the clock."
TIT FOR TAT
The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly distressed, and reproached the farmer.
"Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just beat him off, without killing him?"
"I would have," the farmer answered, "if he had come at me with the other end."
TOBACCO
The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger:
"Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins—ninety-eight year old!" The visitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair of venerable citizens attributed their long life.
"It's kind o' which and t' other," the native confessed. "Obadiah declares its all along o' his chewin' an' smokin' an' snuffin' day in an' day out, fer nigh onto a hundred year; an' Ebenezer declares he has his health becase he never touched the filthy weed."
TOILETTE DETAILS
The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over her most elaborate doll in a somewhat strange manner.
"Whatever are you trying to do with your doll, Mary?" the mother asked.
"I'm just going to put her to bed, mummy," the child replied seriously. "I've taken off her hair, but I can't get her teeth out."
TONGUE
An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made a nuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of others. As a gossip she was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbands worn by the Doctor were longer than was fitting. She therefore took occasion to visit the clergyman, and harangued him at length on the sinfulness of pride. Then she exhibited a pair of scissors, and suggested that she should cut down the offending neckbands to a size fitting her ideas of propriety. The Doctor listened patiently to her exhortation, and at the end offered her the neckbands on which to work her will. She triumphantly trimmed them to her taste, and returned the shorn remnants to the minister.
"And now," said the Doctor, "you must do me a good turn also."
"That I will, Doctor," the woman declared heartily. "What can it be?"
"Well," the clergyman explained, "you have something about you which is a deal too long and which causes me and many others such trouble, that I should like to see it shorter."
"Indeed, dear Doctor, I shall not hesitate to gratify you. What is it? See, here are the scissors! Use them as you please."
"Come, then," said the Doctor, "good sister, put out your tongue."
TREACHERY
The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes. He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until after sounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch, the Italian saw a rattlesnake coiled ready to strike. He lifted his legs carefully, with the intention of darting away on the other side of the log the moment the rattles should sound their warning. But just as his feet cleared the top of the log, the snake struck out and its fangs were buried in the wood only the fraction of an inch below the Italian's trousers. The frightened man fled madly, but he took breath to shriek over his shoulder:
"Son of a gun! Why you no ringa da bell?"
TREASURE TROVE
An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind, almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felt himself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn, where he burrowed into the haymow. But the farmer had observed the man's entrance, and after getting his shotgun, he hurried to the barn.
"I got you!" he cried savagely. "Dog gone you! I got you!"
The moribund derelict thrust his black face from the mow, and showed his toothless gums in a grin, as he answered:
"An' a great git you got!"
