Hair in Spaghetti

This guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti. He is served and after all of it is nearly gone he finds a hair in it. He calls the waiter over and says, "Do you see this damn hair? I ain't paying for this dirty ass meal!" and walks out.

The waiter watches him, and the guy goes into a whorehouse. The waiter waits about ten minutes and bursts through the door and the guy has go this face buried in pussy.

The waiter says, "You eat pussy and complain about one lousy little hair you found in the spaghetti?" The man replies, "Yes, and if I find any spaghetti in her pussy, I sure as hell ain't paying for it either!"

Peaches

A man was driving along a country road when he saw a sign that read "Peaches, All Flavors, 1 Mile." After seeing this he thought to himself, "I gotta see this!" After driving for a mile he saw the stand and pulled off to investigate.

"Hi, I saw your sign and want to know how you can have peaches all flavors?"

"Well, sir, pick a flavor."

"OK, strawberry."

With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer. The customer bit into it and it tasted like strawberries.

"OK, blueberry."

With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer. The customer bit into it and it tasted like blueberries.

"OK, peanut butter and jelly."

The man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer.  The customer bit into the peach and it tasted like peanut butter.

"Hey, I taste the peanut butter but where's the jelly?"

"Turn it around." replied the man.

The customer turned the peach around and bit into it and tasted jelly."

"OK, here's a hard one: pussy."

With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer the customer bit into it and responded, "This tastes like shit!"

"Turn it around." replied the man.

Peanuts on M & M

An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other.

The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.

One day while the older man was away from his desk, the young man couldn't  resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.

When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking  the peanuts.

The old man responded, "That's OK. Since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off the M&Ms."

Raisin Bread

There once was this little bread shop not to far from the school. Working behind the counter every day after school was a very voluptuous, nice looking  long legged blond girl. She always wore short skirts and no panties underneath.

One day a boy stopped in after school to get some raisin bread for his mother  on the way home from school. The raisin bread was kept on the top shelf behind the counter so the girl had to climb a ladder to get to it. When the young boy looked up, he was so amazed and thrilled at the sight; he had to tell all of his friends at school.

From then on, everyday after school, all of the boys would stop in and get one loaf of raisin bread at a time, day after day after day. It got to be so regular, that the girl just stayed on the ladder until she was sure that all of the boys had gotten their bread.

School was cancelled one day so the boys didn't stop by for their bread. Not knowing there was no school, the girl was already at the top of her ladder waiting the arrival of the young boys to buy their raisin bread.

In the store came an elderly man who looked up and noticed the girl on the ladder with no panties underneath.

Without looking down, the girls say, "I know, it's raisin right?"

To which the man replied, "No, but it sure is a twitchin'"

Do you Believe in Free Love?

A guy and several of his buddies used to frequent a certain restaurant. The food was always good, but the waitress always looked and sounded very sour.

One evening, one of the friends was feeling rather good, and jokingly asked the waitress when she came to take their orders, "Ma'am, do you believe in free love?"

The waitress huffed up and almost yelled at the man, "I certainly do not!"

With a great big grin, the man asked, "Well, Darlin', how much do you charge?"

Cat Food Dinner

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him!"

We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."

Chicken Salad 

Two toddlers, a boy and a girl, lived across the street from each other. Both dearly loved chicken salad. Each day, they took turns having lunch at his or her house and they always ate chicken salad. This continued until they were ready to start school.

The day before school started, their mothers found them crying. When asked why they were crying, they responded that they could no longer eat their chicken salad together. The mothers comforted them with the promise that they would pack their lunches and they could still eat chicken salad together every day.

The children did so every day. When they were about 11 years old, the girl unpacked her lunch one day and the boy, startled, said, "That's not chicken salad. You said you were going to eat chicken salad every day for the rest of your life. What IS that stuff?"

To which the girl replied, "This is peanut butter and jelly. I still love chicken salad, but I can't eat it anymore."

Boy: "Why not?"

Girl: "Because I'm growing feathers."

Boy: "You are not!"

Girl: "Yes I am. I'm growing feathers and can't eat chicken salad any more!!"

Boy: "I don't believe you, let me see."

Girl: "I can't show you my feathers."

Boy: "I don't believe you."

So the girl agrees to show him her feathers and they proceed around the building to a solitary spot and she drops her panties and shows him her feathers.

Boy: "My, my, my!! You ARE growing feathers. Well, I'm not and I'm going to eat chicken salad for the rest of my natural life."

Well, every day, the girl ate peanut butter and jelly and the boy ate his chicken salad.

When they were 13, the boy unpacked his lunch. The girl, sniffing, exclaimed:  "That's not chicken salad! You said you were going to eat chicken salad for the  rest of your natural life. What IS that stuff?"

To which the boy responded: "Tuna salad. I can't eat chicken salad anymore. I'm growing feathers, too!!

Girl: "Let me see."

Boy: "Oh, no!! I couldn't possibly show you my feathers."

Girl: "I showed you mine."

Boy: "Well, I guess fair is fair. You did show me yours."

They went around the building and he dropped his pants.

The girl's mouth dropped open and she exclaimed: "You're not only growing feathers, you're growing the neck and the gizzards, too!"

Busy Waitress

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him  his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the  diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.

The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two's fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!?!"

Arabs not Welcome

Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the window "ARABS NOT WELCOME".

A couple of days later, a person of obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich - so the cashier quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do. Moshe decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he says "OK, give him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him."

No sooner said than done.

But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full lunch. Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this time!"

The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the same evening.

Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his friends do come, charge them tenfold!"

The Arabs appear in the evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining  and even tip generously. So the next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window: "JEWS NOT WELCOME."

Wrote the Letter by Hand

A husband and wife decided they needed to use a code word to indicate that they wanted to have sex, without letting their children in on the idea, so they  decided on the word "typewriter."

One day, the husband told his five year old daughter, "Dear, go tell your mommy that Daddy needs to type a letter. "

The child went into the next room and told her mom what Daddy had said, and  her mother responded, "Honey, tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right  now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her dad what her mom had said.

A few days later, the mother told her daughter, "Honey, go tell Daddy that he  can type that letter now."

The child went into the next room and gave her dad the message. A few moments later, she returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." 

Won a Lottery

A bloke comes rushing into the house shouting to his wife

"I've won the lottery, i've won the lottery!!"

His wife says "That's great news... what shall we do first?"

The guy says "Well.. i suggest you pack your bags first"

The wife says "Where are we going?"

The guy says "Well, you can go wherever you like, i just want you out of the house by tomorrow!"