Brother in Law can Pay

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Blessings

A priest and a rabbi who are very good friends coincidentally need to buy new cars at the same time, so they decide to go shopping together.

They visit all the automobile dealers, and both of them wind up choosing to buy the same model and same make of car. They buy the two automobiles and are just about to drive them out of the dealership, when the priest says to his friend, "I have an idea. Wouldn't it be a nice gesture for each of us to bless the other one's car?"

"That's a great idea," replies the rabbi.

So the priest goes over to the rabbi's car and sprinkles it with holy water. Then the rabbi goes over to the priest's car and cuts an inch off the tail pipe.

Brides of Christ

At a Mass at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to become nuns, the Bishop presiding noticed two Rabbis enter the church just before the service began.

They insisted on sitting on the right side of the centre aisle. The Bishop wondered why they had come, but he didn't have time to inquire before the Mass began.

When it came time for the announcements, the Bishop's curiosity got the better of him. He welcomed the two Rabbis and asked why they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ. "

The elder of the Rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom. "

Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

A Rabbi and a Cop

There was a rabbi that comes out of his church every morning in New York to sweep up the sidewalk before mass begins.

Every day he runs into the same police officer walking his same beat. And every morning the police officer mutters some kind of ethnic slur at the Rabbi. "Dumb Jew," one morning. "Stupid Kike," the next morning.

Finally, after months of insults, the cop finally stops and says to the rabbi, "Hey, you Jews do your own circumcisions right?"

The rabbi replied, "Why yes we do."

"Ok," the cop says, "so what do you do with all the skins that are left over?"

"Well, it's relatively simple. After we've performed the circumcision, we take the foreskins and put them into a shoebox. After that we bury them in the ground and wait."

"Now what the hell do you do that for Rabbi?"

The rabbi turns to the cop and says, "Well we wait for them to grow into big dicks, and then send them to New York to be cops!"

Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Absolution

While the Pope was in the States he decided to grant absolution to three sinners.

The first person to come up was Hugh Grant. The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"

"I cheated on my girlfriend and got caught."

The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin, son?"

"I cheated on my wife." The Philanderer in Chief replied.

"Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is your name?"

"Monica Lewinsky."

The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm. Perhaps you should remain standing .

A Rabbi and a Cop

There was a rabbi that comes out of his church every morning in New York to sweep up the sidewalk before mass begins.

Every day he runs into the same police officer walking his same beat. And every morning the police officer mutters some kind of ethnic slur at the Rabbi. "Dumb Jew," one morning. "Stupid Kike," the next morning.

Finally, after months of insults, the cop finally stops and says to the rabbi, "Hey, you Jews do your own circumcisions right?"

The rabbi replied, "Why yes we do."

"Ok," the cop says, "so what do you do with all the skins that are left over?"

"Well, it's relatively simple. After we've performed the circumcision, we take the foreskins and put them into a shoebox. After that we bury them in the ground and wait."

"Now what the hell do you do that for Rabbi?"

The rabbi turns to the cop and says, "Well we wait for them to grow into big dicks, and then send them to New York to be cops!"

A Rabbi and a Cop

There was a rabbi that comes out of his church every morning in New York to sweep up the sidewalk before mass begins.

Every day he runs into the same police officer walking his same beat. And every morning the police officer mutters some kind of ethnic slur at the Rabbi. "Dumb Jew," one morning. "Stupid Kike," the next morning.

Finally, after months of insults, the cop finally stops and says to the rabbi, "Hey, you Jews do your own circumcisions right?"

The rabbi replied, "Why yes we do."

"Ok," the cop says, "so what do you do with all the skins that are left over?"

"Well, it's relatively simple. After we've performed the circumcision, we take the foreskins and put them into a shoebox. After that we bury them in the ground and wait."

"Now what the hell do you do that for Rabbi?"

The rabbi turns to the cop and says, "Well we wait for them to grow into big dicks, and then send them to New York to be cops!"

A Preacher's Sermon

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, " And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The head elder then stood and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."