Wrote the Letter by Hand

A husband and wife decided they needed to use a code word to indicate that they wanted to have sex, without letting their children in on the idea, so they  decided on the word "typewriter."

One day, the husband told his five year old daughter, "Dear, go tell your mommy that Daddy needs to type a letter. "

The child went into the next room and told her mom what Daddy had said, and  her mother responded, "Honey, tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right  now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her dad what her mom had said.

A few days later, the mother told her daughter, "Honey, go tell Daddy that he  can type that letter now."

The child went into the next room and gave her dad the message. A few moments later, she returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." 

Won a Lottery

A bloke comes rushing into the house shouting to his wife

"I've won the lottery, i've won the lottery!!"

His wife says "That's great news... what shall we do first?"

The guy says "Well.. i suggest you pack your bags first"

The wife says "Where are we going?"

The guy says "Well, you can go wherever you like, i just want you out of the house by tomorrow!"

Withdrawals

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty.  When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn."

"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.

"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."

Wife's with Headache

As he got into bed the husband was very much in the mood, but was hardly surprised when his wife pushed his hand off her breast. "Lay off honey. I have a headache."

"Perfect," he said without missing a beat. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin."

Wheelbarrow

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."

Watch the Expression

Father: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell  her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Daughter: "OK"

Later....

Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you  that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to  make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Mother: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face.

Too Much to Drink

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was  hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Too Hot to Wear Clothes

A woman woke up one brutally hot Sunday and complained to her husband.

"I can't stand wearing clothes on a day like this. What do you think the neighbors would do if I worked in the garden in the nude?"

"They'd say." The husband replied with a smile, "That I married you for your money."

Tired of Being Pregnant

A wife has been married for seven years, has six kids and is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes to talk to her priest and the priest tells her to go buy a ten gallon bucket and stick her feet in it at night. She thanks him and goes off to do as he says.

Six months later, the priest sees her and, sure enough, she is pregnant again. The priest asks her, "Didn't you follow my instructions?" She said, "Yes, but that I could not find a ten gallon bucket, so I bought two five gallon buckets."

Tiger Woods

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods? The golfer?"

"Yeah." 

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, he gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" 

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his  wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" she says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get

room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I was just going to call Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole..."

Ticket to Superbowl

A man has been wanting to go to the Superbowl for his entire life. For his birthday, his wife gets him a pair of tickets on the condition that she gets to go as well.

They arrive at the game and he's loving it. After about five minutes, his wife asks him if they can leave.

"Leave? We just got here! I've been wanting to go all my life," he replies.

"But honey, the guy next to me is masturbating," she says.

"Can't you just ignore him?"

"I tried, but he's using my hand."

Ticket to a Shoe Shop

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.

They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

Thrilled to be Around

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!

3 Women

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

Three Old Ladies Playing Bridge

Three old ladies were sitting around playing bridge when one of them, Edna says," You know ladies, I'm having a real problem getting my husband interested sexually."

So Mary pipes up and says, "Edna, listen, you know what I do? When my husband gets home from work, I strip him down and rub him all over with exotic oils. Works every time!"

So Dorothy jumps in and says, "No no Edna. Don't listen to Mary. Before my husband gets home from work, I get completely naked and get on my bed and pull my legs back behind my head. When he walks in, INSTANT erection."

So Edna, after contemplating both idea, decides to go with Dorothy's suggestion.

That night, before her husband gets home from working the late shift, Edna strips naked, hops onto her big 4-poster bed and struggles for about half an hour trying to get her legs back behind her head.

Just as she gets her feet behind her ears, in walks her husband. "Perfect timing", Edna thought, when her husband says," Jesus Christ Edna! Comb your hair and put in your teeth, you look like an asshole!"

The Tattooed Bottom

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot and ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattoo artist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her  breasts.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her butt instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a "B" on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork. "What do you think?" the wife says.

"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I  tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went  to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Lazy Husband

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He  would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"

Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down  on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"

Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"

And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"  

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.

When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."

He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"

"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.

She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

The Dishes

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down  for dinner and it is just how she described it.

Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,  "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DISHES!!"

Sporting Chance

A lady come home and caught her husband in the act of cheating on her. The rural housewife over to the closet and retrieved her husband's .44 caliber pistol.

Aiming the weapon at her husband's testicles she shouted, "I'm a-gonna turn this bull into a steer, Chuck !"

"No no !" pleaded Chuck. "Not like this ! C'mon, Jodi, give me a sporting chance, darlin' !"

"All right, fair enough. I will. You can set 'em to swinging first."