Marriage to a Wealthy Arab

On a trip to the USA, a wealthy Arab fell in love with Susan. He begged her to marry him, but she refused, saying that she had no intention of leaving America to live in a desert.

Immediately, the Arab bought several grand homes across the USA, from New England to California, and he took Susan on a tour of the homes, flying her from place to place in his private jet.

Susan was impressed, and she agreed to marry him.

Six weeks later, in tears, she phoned her father and asked him to take her back home.

"Whatever for?" asked her father.

"I've married a pervert," she cried.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said. "Just come and take me home."

So her father drove to her New England home. Arriving there, richly ornate gold gates opened electronically, and he drove along a wide, straight drive lined with oaks and maples. And at the end of the mile-long drive was a building so grand that it made the White House look like a dog kennel.

He climbed the solid marble steps to huge doors, at least twelve feet tall, and there he met his daughter, waiting for him with her two bags packed and ready to go.

"Oh, father," she cried. "Take me away from here at once. I cannot bear to stay a moment longer."

Her father could not believe that she should want to leave such splendour.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asked.

"The man is a pervert!" she exclaimed.

He asked his daughter to explain this perversion that was upsetting her so.

"When I married him," she sobbed, my asshole was as tight as a penny piece, and now, it's as big as a half dollar."

"Nay," said her father. "Surely you're not go to leave all this for the sake of forty-nine cents!"

Wendy

A guy was getting really involved with his girlfriend, so he went to a tattoo parlor and got her name tattooed on his penis.

When his penis was at erect it said "Wendy", and when it was limp it says "Wy".

Well, one day he and "Wendy" went to this nude beach. They were walking along, and he saw a guy's penis that said "Wy".

He approached him and asked him if his girlfriend's name was "Wendy". He said "No, mine says 'Welcome to the beach and have a nice day.'"

Virgin

There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel" She said, "no, I'm saving myself for marriage." They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."

She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one,

I'm saving myself for marriage." So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?" She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage." He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage." He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?" She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."

He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that."

She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all."

He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he so hot and ready that he can't control himself( typical man, eh girls??) shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!"

A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"

Marriage to a Wealthy Arab

On a trip to the USA, a wealthy Arab fell in love with Susan. He begged her to marry him, but she refused, saying that she had no intention of leaving America to live in a desert.

Immediately, the Arab bought several grand homes across the USA, from New England to California, and he took Susan on a tour of the homes, flying her from place to place in his private jet.

Susan was impressed, and she agreed to marry him.

Six weeks later, in tears, she phoned her father and asked him to take her back home.

"Whatever for?" asked her father.

"I've married a pervert," she cried.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said. "Just come and take me home."

So her father drove to her New England home. Arriving there, richly ornate gold gates opened electronically, and he drove along a wide, straight drive lined with oaks and maples. And at the end of the mile-long drive was a building so grand that it made the White House look like a dog kennel.

He climbed the solid marble steps to huge doors, at least twelve feet tall, and there he met his daughter, waiting for him with her two bags packed and ready to go.

"Oh, father," she cried. "Take me away from here at once. I cannot bear to stay a moment longer."

Her father could not believe that she should want to leave such splendour.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asked.

"The man is a pervert!" she exclaimed.

He asked his daughter to explain this perversion that was upsetting her so.

"When I married him," she sobbed, my asshole was as tight as a penny piece, and now, it's as big as a half dollar."

"Nay," said her father. "Surely you're not go to leave all this for the sake of forty-nine cents!"

Monster Fart

Joe a nervous young man, was invited to dinner with his girlfriends parents.....a stern Yorkshire farmer and his wife.....

Half way through the meal, as they were discussing his intentions towards their daughter, Joe feels an enormous fart coming on, He was unable to control it and the rasp could be heard all over the house..."Get out, Shep!!" said the farmer to the sheepdog, who was lying under the table. "Thank God" thought Joe "He thought is was the dog".

About 10mins later...Joe could feel another buildup of gas, again he could not muffle it and an even louder fart ripped from his arse... "Get out, Shep" shouted the farmer at the dog who had crept back under the table.

Again after 5 more minutes... He felt an even bigger build up, this time Joe let go a real monster fart, which made the table shake, the farmer kicked the dog who was back under the table and shouted " For Gods sake Shep, get out from under there before the bastard shits on you"

The Beautiful Secretary

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have. I have.

"Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in London. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone & calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think & finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.

Monster Fart

Joe a nervous young man, was invited to dinner with his girlfriends parents.....a stern Yorkshire farmer and his wife.....

Half way through the meal, as they were discussing his intentions towards their daughter, Joe feels an enormous fart coming on, He was unable to control it and the rasp could be heard all over the house..."Get out, Shep!!" said the farmer to the sheepdog, who was lying under the table. "Thank God" thought Joe "He thought is was the dog".

About 10mins later...Joe could feel another buildup of gas, again he could not muffle it and an even louder fart ripped from his arse... "Get out, Shep" shouted the farmer at the dog who had crept back under the table.

Again after 5 more minutes... He felt an even bigger build up, this time Joe let go a real monster fart, which made the table shake, the farmer kicked the dog who was back under the table and shouted " For Gods sake Shep, get out from under there before the bastard shits on you"

Just Like Mom

Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ol' mom?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"So, do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not... My dad can't stand her!"

James' Beard

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.

"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

Hickey Alibi

A married man had a secretary that was a sweet young thang, and so he decided to "work late" one night and take this girl to dinner. He called his wife to tell her and she said, "okay, no problem."

After dinner with the secretary, it was obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had "swinging from the chandelier" sex for two hours. The man went to the bathroom to straighten his clothing for the trip home when he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He immediately fell into a state of panic, and he had NO idea what to tell his wife, but he knew he must be getting home as it was getting quite late.

After knocking on the door, he heard the dog come barking and scratching at the door to greet him. He thought "Aha!!" and entered the house, fell to the carpet and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed," Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!" to which she looked up, ripped open her blouse and said, " That's nothing, look at what he did to my tits!!"

Four Years of Mourning

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit, except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences!"

Deaf Mute Parents

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.

As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and throws another glass of water over her arse. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date.

The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room. At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."

After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a glass of water over her behind." "I see," says the girl, "What happened then?" "Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a matchstick under each eyelid.' "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice. "It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him. I'm watching the match.'"

Cold Hands

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your nose ever get cold?"

A Week away from Wedding Day

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. "Ere Mabel as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Bert.

Mabel's answer as expected was "No Bert it's only 6 days to go however you can have a look at your prize".

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel . Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow I'll let you have a little feel of your prize".

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize".

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air "Cor Mabel. Do you think it will keep till Saturday"!!

Birhtday Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year ! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.