Blonde Jokes

Blonde

A blonde goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "the kind for under his arms."

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A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."

* * *

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"

* * *

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
Blonde#2: "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!"

* * *

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

* * *

A blonde's response to the comment "Think about it!" - "I don't have to think, I'm blonde!"

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A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.

* * *

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."

* * *

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."
Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Operator: "The power in the house in on?"
Blonde: "Of course."
Operator: "And the switch is on?"
Blonde: "Yes, yes."
Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"
Blonde: "No, it's working fine."
Operator: "Then what's the problem?"
Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. "

* * *

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?"
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

* * *

Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children.

1st brunette: "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back".

2nd brunette: "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception".

Blonde: "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"

* * *

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively "How do you give shoulders?"

* * *

Teller: "Why did the blonde move to L.A.?"
Blonde: "I don't know. Why?"
Teller: "It was easier to spell."
Blonde: "Easier than what?"

* * *

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

* * *

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well!" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home she drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

* * *

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up and says "Where?"

* * *

I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them.

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What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man.

* * *

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it and yelled out "Green side up!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "Green side up!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "Green side up!" The lady asked him "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply, "but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

* * *

A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.

Cop: "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"

Blonde: "Driver's licence? What's that?..."

Cop: "It's a little card with your picture on it."

Blonde: "Oh, duh! Here it is..."

Cop: "May I have your car insurance?"

Blonde: "What's that?..."

Cop: "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."

Blonde: "Oh, this? Duh! Here you go..."

The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"

* * *

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!

Blonde: That's nothing, last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Blonde: (shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

Blonde dieting

Blonde dieting
A terribly overweight blonde goes to see her doctor for some help with dieting.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2
weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.” Says the doc.
When the blonde returns she shocks the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds!
“That's amazing!” says the doc. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods, “I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to die on the third day.”
“What from hunger?” asks the doc.
“No.” says the Blonde. “From all that bloody skipping!”

Two Blonde in a Bank Robbery

Two Blonde in a Bank Robbery
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Jody plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins. Jody drives up to the front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "Are you absolutely sure you understand the plan? You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Understand?"
"Perfectly," said Buffie.
Buffie goes into the bank while Jody waits in the getaway car. One minute passes . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Jody is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe into the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Jody says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did...I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Jody. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Transferred Blonde Staff

Transferred Blonde Staff 
As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred from Aberdeen Maryland to an obscure base in Utah.
The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment."
The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"

The $50 Bet

The $50 Bet 
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Tax on Condom

Tax on Condom 
A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blond, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

Scaring the Kid

Scaring the Kid 
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

Reloading

Reloading 
A bachelor finally gets this date with a well-endowed (but, needless to say, not too bright) blonde, and figures he'll get some action that night. So he decides to go up on the top of his apartment building and strip naked to get a tan. Well, unfortunately, he burns his cock by staying out too long. So he thinks he can put on some lotion and be alright for the night.
Well, that night he is sitting on his couch with the blonde when he gets an itching sensation. He can't take it anymore so he excuses himself and walks into the kitchen and pours a glass of milk and places his dick in it.
The blonde walks in a second later and says stunned, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

Personal Pizza

Personal Pizza 
One day after work, a blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza.
When it was finished, the waiter asked the blonde if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.
The blonde thought a bit and said "Better make it four, I'd never be able to eat eight."

Painting Blonde

Painting Blonde 
This blonde was sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So she made up her mind that she would show her husband that blondes really are smart. One day, while he was at work, she purchased a can of paint and decided to repaint the living room.
Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelled the distinctive odor of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He observed that she was wearing a ski jacket as well as a fur coat.
He went over to her and asked if she was OK. She acknowledged that she was.
He then asked what she was doing. She replied that she had set out to prove to him that not all blondes are dumb and, to do so, she had elected to paint the living room.
He then asked why she was wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.
Her response was that she had read the directions on the paint can and they said,
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Off Men for Life

Off Men for Life 
A young Blonde was telling her friend at a cocktail party that she was off men for life.
"They lie, cheat, and they are no good. From now on, when I want sex I'll use my vibrator."
"But what if the batteries run out? What will you do?" asked the friend.
"Same as I do with my boy friend, I'll fake the orgasm."

Experiment

Experiment 

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead that were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.

First they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?

After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said, "Well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

Next the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question.

In reply she said, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."

They also said, "thank you", and that they would get back to her.

Next the blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question that they asked the brunette and the redhead.

"What planet would you like to go to?"

She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

The people from NASA replied, "Why? don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night."

Mailbox in my Car

Mailbox in my Car  
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uhh...how's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around my zip code keeps changing."

Looks Like Semen

Looks Like Semen 
Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator.
The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: " OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like semen."
The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says "It smells like semen."
The blonde reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says, "It doesn't taste like anyone in this building?"

Head & Shoulders

Head & Shoulders
A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.
The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says,
"Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

Final Examination

Final Examination
The blonde reports for his University final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails.
Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going to finish rechecking my answers!"

Capital

Capital   
There was a blonde, a redhead and a brunette. The redhead and the brunette were always making fun of the blonde saying how dumb she was.
So, the blonde decided to prove the other two wrong by learning the capitals of every country in the world.
The next time they were together, the redhead and the brunette started to make fun of the blonde, who then told them that she knew the capitals of every country in the world.
The redhead said "Oh yeah, what's the capital of England?" The blonde replied "E".

Breath in Breath out

Breath in Breath out   
Once a blonde went to get her hair cut, but she was wearing headphones.
The stylist said, 'You gotta take off your headphones or I can't cut your hair!'
The blonde said, 'No! I can't! I'll just DIE without them!'
So the stylist just sighed, and cut the ends of her hair until she fell asleep, the stylist said to herself, 'I'll just take these off her to cut her hair. She won't notice.' So the stylist did just that.
After about 3 minutes, the blond fell out of the chair, dead.
The stylist said, 'I wonder what could have possibly killed her?! Maybe it had something to do with the headphones.'
She took the blonde's headphones and put them on her own head, just to see what was playing.
The headphones where repeating, 'Breath in, Breath out.'

Blonde on a Diet

Blonde on a Diet  
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping.

Blonde in Ocean of Wheat

Blonde in Ocean of Wheat  
This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?" The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "because it is an ocean of wheat."
The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name." The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "if I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt."