Wife Swapping

Wife Swapping 

The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of partner swapping for the night.

The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives. Clever enough!

After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hangover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter.

Wheelbarrow

Wheelbarrow 

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."

Van-Aerial Disease

Van-Aerial Disease

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van -- you know, shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that - - and suddenly the girl,  being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!"

Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look at  the wounds and exclaims, 'Wow! Looks like you've got a bad case of 'Van-aerial' disease!'

Tropical Sex

Tropical Sex 

Guy goes to a whorehouse and asks for something really exotic. The madam says go down the hall to the last rooms on the left. He strolls down to the room and goes in.

In the room he discovers a huge fat girl, but he thinks, what the hell. So they strip naked and get in the bed. First thing the fat gal does is sit on his face and cuts a big old fart. He says, "What the hell is that?"

She says, "That is a tropical breeze blowing in your face."

He thinks, well OK. Next thing the big old whore does is stand up and start to piss all over him and he yells, "What the hell is that for?"

She says, "That's the tropical rain falling on you."

He thinks OK. Then she starts getting wound up and starts beating him on the  head with her big titties. He says, "What the hell now?"

She says, "Those are coconuts falling out of the palm trees."

The guy gets up and starts getting dressed and the old whore says, "Where you going?" He says, "I don't know about you honey, but I can't fuck in this kind of weather."

The Statue

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I  tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went  to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Sex Pills

Sex Pills 

There's this woman and her husband's whose sex life wasn't doing that great.  So she went to the doctor and the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and ordered her to put one pill into her husband's coffee every morning.

So the first morning she does as the doctor said and that night the sex was great, so the next day she decides to put two pills in and instantly the husband is horny.

Finally, on the third day she puts the whole bottle in and it's CRAZY, all day they just had sex.

A couple of days later the doctor called to see how everything was going and a little boy answered the phone. The doctor asked, "How's your daddy been?"

The boy answered, "Well, let's put it this way, my mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and my dad's on the front porch saying here Kitty Kitty Kitty"!!!

Screaming for More

Screaming for More 

Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal,  unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".

After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"

Rent for Apartment

Rent for Apartment 

A PROSPEROUS businessman propositioned a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. When he was ready to leave in the morning, he told her that he didn't have any money with him but he would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as "RENT FOR APARTMENT"

On the way to the office, he decided that the whole thing wasn't worth the price he had agreed to pay. So he advised his secretary to send the check for $250 and include the following note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount we have agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression:

1. it had never been occupied.

2. it had never been occupied

3. it was small.

Last night, I found that it had been occupied, there wasn't any heat and it was entirely too large.

Upon the receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check with the following note:

Dear Sir,

I am returning your check for $250. I can not understand how you could expect  such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it isn't my fault if you didn't have sufficient furniture to fill it in.

Insatiable Sex Appetite

Insatiable Sex Appetite 

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."

"Did it work ?" asked the friend.

"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."

Three Old Ladies Playing Bridge

Three Old Ladies Playing Bridge 

Three old ladies were sitting around playing bridge when one of them, Edna says," You know ladies, I'm having a real problem getting my husband interested sexually."

So Mary pipes up and says, "Edna, listen, you know what I do? When my husband gets home from work, I strip him down and rub him all over with exotic oils. Works every time!"

So Dorothy jumps in and says, "No no Edna. Don't listen to Mary. Before my husband gets home from work, I get completely naked and get on my bed and pull my legs back behind my head. When he walks in, INSTANT erection."

So Edna, after contemplating both idea, decides to go with Dorothy's suggestion.

That night, before her husband gets home from working the late shift, Edna strips naked, hops onto her big 4-poster bed and struggles for about half an hour trying to get her legs back behind her head.

Just as she gets her feet behind her ears, in walks her husband. "Perfect timing", Edna thought, when her husband says," Jesus Christ Edna! Comb your hair and put in your teeth, you look like an asshole!"

The Peep Show

The Peep Show 

Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door.

The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really  horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem".

She leads Jack into a room, and there is a chicken in the corner. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her.

Jack undresses and has the time of his life. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.

One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10.

"Well, for $10 we have a special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show, Jack", the madam tells him. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat.

Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other.

Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!".

The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken".

Sex with a Racing Car Driver

Sex with a Racing Car Driver 

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

That's no Ring

That's no Ring 

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties.

She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring! That's my wristwatch."

Texas Couple

Texas Couple 

One day a young Texas couple decided to get married. After the wedding they  left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two  cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" she replies, "Oh, I see!".

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" the husband answers, "They're roping!" she replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis. "What is that?" she asks. "That is my rope" he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks "They are my knots" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband asks "What's the matter honey?" The bride replies, "Undo those knots and give me more rope!"

Spread the Legs Farther

Spread the Legs Farther 

A young couple were banging away like there was no tomorrow, when the boy  stopped and asked the girl to spread her legs farther apart, which she eagerly  did, anticipating more of his enthusiastic vigor. Instead, he timidly asked her to spread her legs even farther apart.

She said, "Why? What are you trying to do, ram your balls inside me?"

"No. I've already done that. Now I am trying to get them back out."

Small Organ

Small Organ 

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and after a few drinks they went home together.

After some more drinking and talking, they got undressed and climbed into bed.

After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.

The fellow asked her, "What's so funny?"

"Your organ," she laughed, "It's a bit on the small side!"

He shot back acidly, "Well, it's not used to playing in cathedrals."

Six Girls for the Night

Six Girls for the Night

A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves.

A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000.

Confused the man asks, "I don't understand, on Tuesday it was free."

"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on cable."

Sex Styles

Sex Styles 

Dentists do it orally 

Cops do it with cuffs 

DJ's do it on request 

Truckers do it in the road 

Soldiers do it under orders

Detectives do it under cover 

Australians do it Down Under 

Zoologists do it with animals 

Gardeners do it in the bushes 

Gas attendants Pump all day 

Firemen do it with a big hose 

Frank Sinatra does it his way 

Engineers do it to specification 

Garbagemen cum twice a week 

Chess players check their Mates 

Ambulance drivers come quicker 

Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate! 

Housewives do it for an allowance 

Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast 

Mountain Climbers like to be on top 

Waiters and waitresses do it for tips 

Accountants do it with Double Entry 

Landlords do it every 1st of the month 

Acupuncturists do it with a small prick 

Travel Agents do it in lots of different places 

Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure 

Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers 

Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free 

Bankers do it with interest, Bartenders do it on the Rocks 

Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them! 

Put Out or Get Out

Put Out or Get Out 

A fellow with a slight speech impediment and a lower-than-room-temperaure IQ was talking to his friend about his problems getting laid.

He said, "You know, I can't get me no g-g-girls." His friend said, ''Well, you about a stupid fart! Don't you have lots and lots of money?" He said, "Yeah, I got the m-m-m-money. I just can't g-g-get no g-g-g-girls." His friend said, "Well, it's easy! Just use some of that money of yours and buy a boat! Women  LOVE boats! You get a girl to go for a ride on your boat, you take her 50 miles  out, you take the keys out of the ignition, and you say, "Put out or get out." The slow fellow said, "Sound like a good idea to me!"

He bought him a nice boat. On the first day, he had the boat moored where everybody could see it. A girl came walking by. He said, Y-Y-You wanna go for a boat wide?" She stopped for a look at the boat. He said, "That's my boat out  there. Uh-huh, it is. Wanna go for a wide?" She thought he was a little weird,  but she loved boats. She went with him. He took her 50 miles out, took the keys out of the ignition, and said, "Put, put, put out, put it all out, or get out." She figured she didn't have much choice. She dropped her little bikini bottom, and he ran over and got some.

Male Sex Organ

Male Sex Organ 

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;

- has to work at great depths;

- has to work upside down;

- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;

- has to work in a high humidity environment;

- has to work at high temperatures;

- does not get weekends and holidays off;

- does not get time off after extra hours of work;

- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request denied for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;

- does not answer immediately to all requests;

- does not have a degree;

- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;

- shows no fidelity to the workplace;

- retires too early;

- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;

- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.