Zebra on a Farm

A zebra was visiting a farm. "Hi," she said to the rooster. "What do you do here?"

"I make sure everyone gets up on time for a nice early start on the day," he replied.

"How about you?" she asked a cow.

"I supply the farmer and his family with fresh milk, so they can make butter and cheese," the cow said.

"And what's your job on the farm?" the zebra asked a stallion.

"Get out of those fancy striped pajamas," he answered, "and I'll show you."

Young Rooster

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy."

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Two Mice in a Bathroom

Two mice were sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub. The first mouse looks over to his friend and, referring to the toilet, asks, "Wanna go for a swim?"

The second mouse quickly replies. "Oh, no! I'm never going in there again!!!"

"Well, why not?" says the first mouse.

"Well," starts his friend, "I was in there about a week ago swimming around and minding my own business and all of a sudden it got real dark, it started raining, it started thundering, and if somebody wouldn't have thrown me a log, I would have drowned!"

Whale of a Job

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Three Tough Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies. "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

Three Flies

OK, so there were these three flies, and they decided to spend the night in a woman's body.

The first one went in between the boobs, the second went up the ass and the third went in the pussy.

They all woke up the next morning and were talking about their nights.

The first one said, "I had a great night, sleeping between two pillows."

The second one said, "Same with me except for the fact that I could swear that, well...it smelt almost like home in there."

The third one looked REALLY tired and said; "I had a horrible night. Every quarter of a second this little bald guy came in and spat on me!!!"

Three Ducks in the Bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck.

"Huey" said the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".

"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?".

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.

If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".

"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day".

The Dead Frog

One day a twelve-year-old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, he slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one of your women."

The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "she has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."

Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal... As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve-year-old replies... When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog.

Teaching the Dog

Jake got a 6 month old dog at the dog pound and was having trouble getting it house broke.

He decided to rub the dogs nose in it every time it wet on the floor and throw the dog out the window to teach the dog a lesson. After about two weeks of faithfully doing it Jake thought it was about time the dog figured it out.

Sure enough the next time the dog wet on the floor he rubbed his own nose in it and jumped out the window.

Talking Parrot II

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot.

"Does this parrot talk?" she asked.

"Yes, he does," the manager told her.

"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?", she asked.

"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whore house and his language is terrible."

"Well, I want him anyway," she said.

"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.

When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird.

The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam."

Hillary laughed.

Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird.

"New house, new whores," the parrot observed.

At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him. After a while the President entered the living quarters.

The parrot said, "Hi Bill."

Talking Parrot

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

"Yes," the pet store owner said, "this bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions." The deal was made & the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back & said the parrot had yet to say a word.

"That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you." Toys were purchased & a day went by. The parrot's owner returned & said there still had been no talking.

"I see," said the pet shop owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased & yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell. The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened.

"Still no luck?" asked the store owner.

"No. Nothing said yet," answere the bird's owner.

"Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop."

"What?!? You want me to buy another bird!?!" yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

"No, no, calm down," reassured the store owner. "All you have to do is get a mirror & the bird will think it has a companion." At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store & found the troublesome customer had returned...this time with the parrot, only it was dead!

"What happened?" asked the store owner, "Didn't the bird ever talk?"

"Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the petstore anymore?"

Strayed Rooster

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road a strayed rooster. Wack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared.

The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

Starving Fly

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one-day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since his last meal so he flew down and ate and ate and ate.

When he decided that he had eaten enough, he tried to fly away. But he had eaten too much, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall of the barn. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.

Unfortunately he was wrong. The fly dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. You won't be surprised to learn that like any good fable this one has a moral.

The moral of the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

Skunk

A woman had a pet skunk which was a devoted pet to her for years.

One day the skunk died. The woman didn't know what to do at first, as she lived in an apartment and she had no place in the yard to bury her pet. So she decided to give the pet a proper burial out in the country.

She didn't have a car, so she planned on taking a bus to the edge of town, then walking from there to some good site.

She got on the bus and sat down behind the driver. About this time, the skunk wasn't keeping too well, so the woman held the skunk at arm's length.

The driver noticed the smell right away, but he kept on driving for several blocks. He next opened the window, but that didn't help.

Finally, he pulled the bus to the curb, and turned around, and said: "Will the woman with rhe stinking pussy please get off the bus?"

14 women got off.

Sheep Fries

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farmhand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!

Randy the Rooster

This farmer had about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wanted chicks. So he went down the road to the next farmer and asked if he had a rooster.

The other farmer said, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster was a lot of money, but the farmer decided he'd be worth it. So, he bought Randy.

The farmer took Randy home and set him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a peptalk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money, and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand so the farmer pointed toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! He nailed every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer was just shocked.

Randy ran out of the hen house and saw a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He got all the geese. Randy was up in the pigpen, he was in with the cows. Randy was jumping on every animal the farmer owned.

The farmer was distraught, worried that his expensive rooster wouldn't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer went to bed and woke up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shook his head and said, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opened one eye, pointed toward the sky and said, "Shhh...buzzards."

Porcupine

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper.

"The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick."

This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office.

The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer quill. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."

Police Dog

A moron takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers.

After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar. "Whose dog is tied up out front?"

The moron responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"

"Well she's in heat," says the cop."

"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."

"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."

"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."

At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed.

"Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."

Plane Passenger

A man gets to his plane seat, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round, and the man asks her for a coffee, where upon the parrot squawks: "and get me a whisky you cow".

The stewardess, somewhat flustered brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells "and get me another whisky you witch!"

Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach: " I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow, now go and get it or I'll give you a slap!"

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out.

As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a pretty cheeky person!!"

Parrot Made Phone Calls

Dave went to the pet store and bought himself a parrot. The parrot could speak 5 different languages.

After a week, Dave had to go out of town on business. When Dave returned home and received his phone bill in the mail, he found $500 worth of phone calls had been made.

He asked the parrot about it, and the parrot explained that he had made the calls to his friends around the world.

Dave was furious. He told the parrot that he had to go out of town again and that he had better not make any calls, or else. Yet when Dave returned, he found the same thing Had happened when he received a phone bill for $1000.

Dave took the parrot and nailed his two wings to the wall. The parrot hung his head down, then looked over at the crucifix next to him and said "So, how high was your phone bill?