Viagra Extra Strength

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's jewels are black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"

The man says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls never showed up."

The Suit

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Something Real Cheap

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit,"

Tom groused. Growing, disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Proof Before Selling

A little old lady moves to a new town and goes to her local grocery store to buy some cat food. She picks up 3 cans and takes them to the check-out counter. The girl at the cash register says, "I'm sorry but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. Lots of older people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the food for a real cat."

The little old lady doesn't like it, but she goes home and brings her cat back to the store. They sell her the cat food.

The next day she goes in to buy 3 cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food.

She angrily goes home to get her dog. When she brings him back, she gets her dog food.

The next day she comes into the store carrying a box with a hole in the lid. When she asks the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier refuses. "No, you might have a snake in there!"

The old lady insists, telling her that there's nothing alive in the box.

So the cashier puts her finger in the box and feels something odd. She pulls her finger out and says, "Eww, that smells like shit!"

The little old lady says, "It is. Now can I buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

No Name Toilet Paper

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why," he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take shit off anybody!"

Missing Wife

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?", she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Milk Bath

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.

The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.

"I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."

The clerk asked, "Pasteurised?"

She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin."

Mechanical Pussy

A man was browsing through a novelty store. There was no one else in the store, and so the clerk called him over to the counter.

"You have to see what we just got in", he said, "It's the latest thing out". With that he took out a package from under the counter and raised the lid showing the customer a strange looking object.

"What's that?", asked the customer.

"It's a mechanical pussy", replied the clerk.

"What on earth is it supposed to do?", asked the customer.

The clerk unwound the electrical cord and inserted it into the floor outlet, whereupon the "thing" began to make all sorts of exotic undulating motions.

The customer was fascinated. "I have to have one of those!", he said.

"All right, sir, shall I wrap it for you?", asked the clerk.

"Oh no, that's all right", replied the customer, "I'll just eat it here".

Health Inspectors

There's this bloke, Frank, who runs a cafe in the town center. One day a health and safety inspector visits his outlet, in disguise. Anyway Frank is rinsing the glasses with really dirty dishwater, and spitting on the glasses to polish in a shine. The inspector is a little taken aback but goes up to the bar nonetheless. Frank is obviously allergic to the inspectors hairspray or something because hr sneezes an almighty amount of goo into his hands, and then proceeds to wipe it down his apron.

"I'll have a cupcake please, and four fudge brownies," says the inspector.

"Right," snuffled Frank, and promptly grabs the brownies in his filthy hands and pops them on the dirty counter.

"What else was it, sir?" asks Frank, but the inspector can take it no more and bursts out:

"I'm a health inspector, and may I say Mister, that this is the filthiest establishment I have ever seen. Your walls are filthy, the counter's filthy, you're filthy, and I can smell your toilets from here! You display no knowledge of hygiene, and blatantly use your hands to serve. Where are the cake tongs? Those marvelous things you pick cakes up in! Where are your gloves? I'm giving you two weeks to clean this place up sir, and if you fail, I will take great pleasure in closing you down!" Well the inspector leaves, and Frank sits down, shocked.

He starts to think about the task ahead.

Two weeks pass, and the inspector returns. The place looks totally different it's clean, and it smells clean, Frank is standing there with gloves and cake tongs, and he's even bought a dishwasher, had a new paint job, and fixed the toilets.

"Well, I never thought you'd do it, but you've proved me wrong," says the inspector. "I'll have a fudge brownie please."

Sure enough, Frank uses the cake tongs, puts the brownie in a little bag, wraps it, and places it on the clean counter.

"I am impressed sir!" exclaimed the inspector. "You've made many extra improvements, and you are the finest place I have visited all week. I bid you a good day!"

"Wait on," said Frank. "I've made lots more improvements than you've seen yet. Take my lavatory system for example, which is unique. You see I've got this bit of string tied round my willy, and when I need to go, I just pull the string, out it flops, and I don't even need to touch it!"

"Marvelous," says the inspector, tucking wholeheartedly into his brownie. He turns to leave but then has a thought. "How do you put it away again?" he inquires, "without touching it, I mean."

"Simple," laughs Frank. "I use the cake tongs."

Have you seen my Husband?

An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and asks: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby? He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair."

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby? He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair."

"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split."

To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my Bobby, he pinch-a the butt, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!"

Hardware Store

A woman goes into the small-town hardware store and tells the owner she
needs a drawer pull handle to replace a broken one.
He gets out one that matches her description and asks her "You wanna
screw for that?"
And she thinks a minute, glances around, and replies, "No, but I'll blow
ya for that toaster over there."

Hair Spray

A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn't come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So she took him to the vet.

The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."

So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice. "How do I apply this product", she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"

The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."

She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."

"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."

Gloves for my Wife

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

Divorced Barbie

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall, ran to the toy store and asked the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she replied, "Which Barbie?" She continued, "We have Barbie Goes To The Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes To The Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes To The Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $255.00".

Ralph asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $255.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious" the sales lady said. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture".

Costume to a Party

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

Clock Shop

Rosco was wandering through a mall one day, and he happened upon a clock shop with a gorgeous lady working at the desk.

Rosco walked right up to the desk, whipped out his penis, and put it right next to the lady.

The lady was alarmed and said, "Wait just a minute there, sir! This is a clock shop, not a cock shop!"

Rosco replied, "I know, I want you to put two hands and a face on this!"

Bra Types

A man walked into a fancy lingerie department and told the clerk that he wanted to buy a bra for his wife.

The clerk asked the man, "What type of bra does she need?"

"Type? There are different types of bra's?"

"Yes," the clerk responds. "There is the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type and the Baptist type."

"What's the difference?"

"Well...," the clerk answered. "The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type uplifts the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Bigger breasts

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up.

At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, ya ," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

$50.00 for a Frog?

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.

"Well,"said the clerk, 'I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"

"$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman.

The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs,"

Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.

She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.

About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."