Valentine's Surprised

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there.

Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.

I wanted so, to ask her out, but I was way too shy.

I thought she was too beautiful, for me to even try.

A few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away.

I could not get the courage up, and "Hi" was all I'd say.

Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address,

And send a valentine to her, and with it I'd express,

The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel,

And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.

I'll tell her, that I dream of her, and how it all would be,

If she would only take the time, to be alone with me.

I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine,

And then I dropped it in the mail, my special valentine.

In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail,

A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me,

I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.

With great anticipation, I removed the envelope,

And closed my eyes a moment, as my heart filled up with hope.

I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart,

And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart.

I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside,

And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.

I'd love to be your valentine, but I think I will pass,

My husband says he'll be at work, to kick your stupid a.

I'm glad you like my body, and you think it's really fine,

My husband says this card is going, where the sun don't shine.

In your card, you said there's things to me you'd love to do,

I think my husband's going to do, all of those things to you.

So, have a Happy Valentines, I'll see you Monday morn,

My husband says on Tuesday, you'll wish you were never born.

The Oedipus Complex

Many many years ago when I was twenty three, 

I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. 

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. 

My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. 

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. 

My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. 

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.

I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. 

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. 

And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. 

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother 

To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. 

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. 

And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. 

My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too. 

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. 

And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. 

As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

The First Time

It's your first time.

As you lie back your muscles tighten.

You put him off for awhile

searching for an excuse,

but he refuses to be swayed

as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid,

and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience,

but it's the first time his finger has

found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver;

your body tenses;

but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes,

and tells you to trust him-- he's done

this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open

wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,

but he slowly takes his time,

wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer,

going deeper,

you feel the tissue give way;

pain surges

throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of 

blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned,

and asks you if it's too painful.

Your eyes are filled with tears,

but you shake you head,

and nod for him to go on.

He begins moving in and out with skill,

but you are now too numb to

feel him within you.

After a few frenzied moments,

you feel something bursting within you

and he pulls it out of you,

you lay panting,

glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly,

tells you,

with a chuckle;

that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist.

After all, it was your first

time to have a tooth pulled.

Snow White

Snow White was so desperate for a fuck,

Off she went into the woods,

To try and get some luck.

She'd almost given up looking,

When she saw some chimney smoke,

Then she stumbled on the cottage,

And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.

And she'd just removed her pants,

When seven dwarves came marching in,

With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,

And thought she was in heaven,

Originally after one good shag,

But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,

"My fanny needs a lick!"

And when one dwarf moved forward,

She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,

And said "I ain't licking that",

"Not there, that is my arse-hole,

You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,

"Do we have to do it here?"

Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,

Unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,

To prove he was no fool.

And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".

As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.

Cos he hadn't had a sniff,

And due to his impatience,

He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",

So he did as he was told,

And as soon as he was hard enough,

He shot his fuckin load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,

And she took him deep quite easy,

But she just avoided brain-damage,

When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left she turned and said,

"You're next, I want your knob!"

But not sooner had he entered her,

And he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"

She wanted more from him.

And he woke with such excitement,

That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,

And shagged her fanny raw,

A dazed Snow White them whimpered.

"That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble,

He was so big and thick.

"No wonder you're so HAPPY,

With that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,

But feeling rather sore,

She said "You'll have to use your tongue,

My twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,

Where others had placed their cocks,

And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,

She named the last dwarf DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,

With all that spadge inside her quim,

So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,

And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarves,

And how they got their names,

By satisfying Miss Snow White,

And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,

And that's - What happened to that cup,

Well think of what you're drinking,

When you next buy 7-Up!

Screwy Dick

Here lie the bones of Screwy Dick.

At birth he was blessed with a corkscrew prick.

His entire life he spent in a futile hunt

to find the girl with the corkscrew cunt.

One day he found her and soon fell dead,

son of bitch had a left-hand thread.

Saint Nick

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter

I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter.

Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick

I knew in a moment it must Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell

I knew in a moment the fucker had fell.

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight piss on you all and have a hell of a night!!!

Remember When...

A computer was something on TV 

from a science fiction show of note 

a window was something you hated to clean... 

And ram was the cousin of a goat....

Meg was the name of my girlfriend 

and gig was a job for the nights 

now they all mean different things 

and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment 

a program was a TV show 

a cursor used profanity 

a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age 

a cd was a bank account 

and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy 

you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage 

not something you did to a file 

and if you unzipped anything in public 

you'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire 

hard drive was a long trip on the road 

a mouse pad was where a mouse lived 

and a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife 

paste you did with glue 

a web was a spider's home 

and a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper 

and the memory in my head 

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash 

but when it happens they wish they were dead

Old Mother Hubbard

Old Mother Hubbard....

Went to the cupboard...

To fetch her dog a bone...

When she bent over...

Rover took over...

And gave her a bone of his own!!!

Oral Sex - an Ode to Love

Penis breath, a lover's dread,

Is what you get when you give head.

Unpleasant as it tends to be,

Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

It's times like this, you wonder why,

You bothered reaching for his fly.

But it's too late, can't be a tease,

Accept the facts, get on your knees.

You know you've got a job to do,

So open wide and shove it through,

Lick the tip then take it all.

Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl,

Slide up and down, use your tongue.

And feel the precum start to run,

Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,

So when the fuck's he gonna cum.

Just, when you can't take anymore,

You hear your lover's mighty roar.

And when he hits that real high note,

You feel it oozing down your throat.

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,

Okay already, that's enough.

Let's switch you say, before you gag,

And what revenge, you're on the rag.

It's Just your Dirty Mind

I'm sure you can imagine

As plain as you can be

The place is Picadilly

The player is He and She

She whispered "Will it hurt me?"

"Of course not" answered he

"It's a very simple process,

You can rely on me."

She said "I'm frightened,

I've not had this before.

My friend has had it five times.

And said it can be sore.

Then finally contented

Laid back and relaxed a bit

Quickly and readily he bent over her

And then he started it.

It was growing rather painful

Tears formed in her eyes

It was hurting quite a bit now

It must have been quite a size

"Calm yourself" he whispered

His face was filled with a grin

"Try and open a bit wider

So I can get in."

"It's coming now." he whispered.

"I know." she cried in a bliss

Feeling it deep within her now

She said "I am glad I am having this.."

And with final effort

She gave a frightened shout.

He gripped it in anguish

And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contented

Sighed and gave a smile

She said "I am glad I came now

You made it worth my while."

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Now if you read this carefully

The dentist you will find...

Is not what you imagined

It's just your dirty mind!!!....

Don't Miss

The grossest thing for me to see

is my bathroom floor all full of pee.

Why can't they make it in the bowl?

Don't they see there is a hole?

Out in the woods, they think it's cute

to see how far a guy can "shoot."

But in the house, it's plain to see

there is a bowl in which you pee!

(It's usually white & kinda round

you hit the water, not the ground.)

Why can't they make it in the bowl?

Is it a problem with control?

If not control, then tell me why

they make my bathroom such a sty?

Come on guys, get a clue!

You know what you have to do.

Be a human-not a pig 

& don't forget to lift the lid.

When you're done, make it flush

don't always be in such a rush.

Then take the lid & push it down

(don't make us women feel like clowns)

Falling in, it is not fun

getting water on your buns.

Zip up your pants, & you're all done

now wasn't that a lot of fun?

Keep this little poem in mind

Your woman will find you very kind.

Can't go to School

"I have the measles and the mumps, 

A gash, a rash and purple bumps. 

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry. 

I'm going blind in my right eye. 

My tonsils are as big as rocks, 

I've counted sixteen chicken pox 

And there's one more-that's seventeen, 

And don't you think my face looks green? 

My leg is cut, my eyes are blue 

It might be instamatic flu. 

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke, 

I'm sure that my left leg is broke 

My hip hurts when I move my chin, 

My belly button's caving in, 

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained, 

My 'pendix pains each time it rains. 

My nose is cold, my toes are numb, 

I have a sliver in my thumb. 

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak, 

I hardly whisper when I speak. 

My tongue is filling up my mouth, 

I think my hair is falling out. 

My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight, 

My temperature is one-o-eight. 

My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear, 

There's a hole inside my ear. 

I have a hangnail, and my heart is - What? 

What's that? What's that you say? 

You say today is .......Saturday? 

G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

An Ode to the Hole

An ode to the hole

that never heals.

The more you touch it

the better it feels.

You can rub it

and scrub it

and brush it like hell,

But you will never get rid

of that fucken fish smell.

Adam & Eve

In the Garden of Eden,

As everyone knows,

Lives Adam and Eve,

Without any clothes.

In this garden,

Were two little leaves,

One covered Adam's,

One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,

Never the less to say,

The wind came along,

And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,

Adam did stare,

There was Eve's treasure,

All covered with hair.

And wonder came,

Under Eve's eyes,

As Adam's thing,

Started to rise.

They found a spot,

That suited them best,

A nice big tree,

Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,

And wider apart,

While thrill after thrill,

Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,

Peeked into the hole,

And filled her with passion,

Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,

His thing did slide,

And Eve's treasure,

Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,

She wouldn't let loose,

Until Adam's thing,

Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,

People did screw,

And now it is time,

For me and you.

So pull down your pants,

And lay in the grass,

Cause I'm in the mood,

For a piece of that ASS!

A Drunk's Poem

Starkle, starkle, little twink,

Who the hell you are I think.

I'm not under what they call

The alcofluence of incohol.

I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,

I'm just a little slort of sheep.

Tee martoonis make a guy

Fool so feelish, don't know why.

Rally don't know who's me yet

The drunker I stay the longer I get

So just one more to full my cup,

I've all day sober to Sunday up!