Young Woman's Confession

One day a young woman walks into the church and proceeds to go into confession.

"Father.... if I should ever see a mans penis.... what should I do?"

"Well my child you should wash your eyes out with holy water" the priest replies.

"Well.............what if I..... touch a mans penis?" the woman asks?

"Then you should wash your hands with holy water as well" he answers.

About two weeks later, the young lady is in the church and she is washing her eyes and hands with the holy water.

Just then the priest walks in, sees her and says; "Excuse me Miss.... I think I need to brush my teeth."

World War II Confession

In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father," he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."

But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."

"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk."

"Oh, thank you, Father." the man said. "But I have one more question."

"What is it?"

"Do you think I have to tell him the war is over?"

Why Men Stand to Pee

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple, that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to. Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or manning the animals I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand.

Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms."

Why Jewish are the Chosen Ones

Well, When Moses was on earth back then he was given the Ten Commandments but he was not told actually what he should do with them.

He took them to England and confronted a Pom and asked, "Would you like a Commandment?"

The Pom replied, "What's a Commandment?"

Moses took a tablet and read, "Thou Shalt Not Steal!"

The Pom replied, "Piss off, we don't want any of that here!"

Moses went to America and confronted a Yank with the same question, "Would you like a Commandment?"

The Yank replied, "What's a Commandment?"

Moses took a tablet and read, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery!"

The Yank replied, "Bug off, we don't want any of that here!"

And so Moses went on his way around the world always getting the same response until he arrived in Jerusalem.

Moses confronted a Jew with the same question, "Would you like a Commandment?"

The Jew replied, "How Much Are They?"

Moses replied, "Well....they're free!"

The Jew replied, "THEN I'LL TAKE TEN!"

Which Sermon

One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100. sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50. sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10. sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

Wedding Bribe

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom quietly slipped the pastor a $100 bill.

"Reverend," he whispered, "I'd be mighty obliged if you'd just happen to forget the part where I promise to love, honour, obey and be faithful to my wife forever."

The time came for the groom's vows during the actual wedding service.

The pastor looked the young man in the eye, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally, before God and your lovely wife, that you will never so much as look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped, looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

As a hymn was being sung, the furious groom leaned toward the priest. "I thought we had a deal," he hissed.

The pastor gently pressed the $100 bill into the young man's palm and whispered, "She made me a much better offer."

Two Nuns Traveling Europe

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

Three Nuns and a Father

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

Three Rabbis Playing Golf

Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. An Irish catholic, named Mulhaney, wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71.

He asks them, "How come you all play such good golf?"

The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."

Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.

About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, I live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy."

The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"

He said, "Beth Shalom".

The rabbi retorted, "No No No! That one's for tennis!"

Three Pastors in Heaven

Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van blew a tyre and skidded across the cliffside road, and went over the cliff. Sadly, they were all killed.

At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward.

Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, "You hypocrite!" he boomed, "All you ever cared about in your life was money! 'Money is evil' 'Money won't buy you happiness!' 'Money THIS...' 'Money THAT...'. Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named 'Penny,' isn't that so?" he demanded. Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes, Sir, That's true..."

"Well, you DID preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you-know-where, but you DON'T get to come in the FRONT gate. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off you go!" And the couple went shamefully on their way.

St. Peter leered at the next pastor, "And YOU!" Peter hissed. "All YOU ever talked and cared about was ALCOHOL! 'The bottle THIS...' and 'The bottle THAT...' Yet, you've been drunk nearly EVERY time you preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named 'Sherry', ISN'T THAT SO!!?" he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame.

"Well, you, too preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either. But YOU don't get to come in the FRONT gate, either. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off with you!" And the couple slowly shuffled off.

"And YOU!!..." St. Peter began.

The third Pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walkin', Fanny."

(Note to US readers - UK version of 'Fanny' - as in 'Pussy', not 'Butt')

The Priest and the Nun

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

SISTER: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own damn blanket.

The Priest and the Boy

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

The Pope's Erection

One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection.

Perplexed, he called on his personal physician. "Doctor, this should not be possible," he said, "I'm the Pope, and I'm

celibate! I haven't had one of these for 30 years!"

The doctor's reply was, "Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time".

The Pope exclaimed "But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isn't going away!"

The doctor replied "You have two options... either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can make love to a woman.

The Pope says, no, I do not want the injection, so get me a nun. But there are three things:

First, she must blind so she cannot see who does this thing to her.

Second, she must be deaf so she cannot hear who does this thing to her.

Third, she's gotta have really big tits.

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this".

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

The Nun

At midnight one middle age man was waiting at a train station to cross the country to back east to see his relative. As he stepped up into the train car he noticed that the car was almost empty except a young beautiful nun sat by herself reading a bible.

The man came and sat near by her hoping to get some companionship during the long ride. However, the nun was paying no attention to him. She just kept on reading bible without even looking up to him nor saying a word.

However as time went by slowly and silently, it made the man more and more anxious to start conversation. But he did not know how to start. The man then put his hand on the nun's lap.

The nun blushed with a little bit of anger. She turn around and said:

Nun : Dear sir, do you believe in god?

Man : Yes, I do.

Nun : Have you read the bible ? You know it is wrong to put your hand

on my lap. Perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page 157.

The man withdrew his hand and sat quietly till the train reached the East coast.

Next day, people found out that he shot himself in his room while the bible lay open on page 157. The line 23 read:

"Heaven is a little bit higher."

The New Nun's Secret

The New Nun's Secret

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

The New Church

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot any more, either."

The Evangelist

The sweet young thang was telling the Evangelist that she had been sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping with the neighbor.

"It's your duty to forgive him, my child." intoned the TV minister as he patted her hand and she fell into his arms gently sobbing. "But..." he added, as his grip tightened, "How'd ya like to get even with the S.O.B. first ?"

The Bum & the Pope

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. To the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back.

Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

St. Finger

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."