Thumping Sound

Thumping Sound 

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mum and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mum is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"

His mum says, "Why?!?"

And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

The Princess and the Frog

The Princess and the Frog 

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't think so!

Seven Dwarfs

Seven Dwarfs 

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven  dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window.

Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

"Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

Pinnochio

Pinnochio 

One day, Pinnochio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what wooden girls and  wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinnochio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter?"

Pinnochio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met-- but every time we make love, you give me splinters."

This remark bothered Pinnochio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek  some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinnochio arrived, he could tell something was bothering Pinnochio, and asked him what was the matter.

As Pinnochio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinnochio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinnochio for a while and therefore assumed that  the sandpaper had solved all of Pinnochio's problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at  the hardware store when he ran into Pinnochio. When he saw Pinnochio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinnochio, things must be going pretty good with the girls".

To which Pinnochio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???"

Guardian Angel

Guardian Angel 

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over  you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came cornering around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked....

"And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Snow White's Seven Dwarfs

Snow White's Seven Dwarfs 

Snow-white's seven dwarfs visit the Pope in Rome. After seeking the pontiff's  blessings, the other six push Sleepy in front. Sleepy sheepishly asks the Pope,  "Father, do you have nuns"?

"Yes my son", says the Pope, "We have lots".

Sleepy looks back at the others and says, "I told you they had nuns". "ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM", say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the  Pope, "Father,do you have black nuns"?

"Of course, my son", replies the Pope, "We have several".

Sleepy turns to the others and says, "I told you they had black nuns". "ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM", say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the  Pope, "Father, do you have dwarf nuns"?

"Well yes my son, of course we do", says the Pope.

Sleepy turns to the others and says, "I told you they had dwarf nuns". "ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM", say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the  Pope, "Father, do you have black dwarf nuns then"?

"Yes my son, we do", says the Pope.

Sleepy turns to the others and says, "I told you they had black dwarf nuns". "ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM", say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the Pope, "Father, do you have nuns in Antarctica"?

"So we do, my son, in every part of the earth", answers the Pope.

Sleepy turns to the others and says, "See, I told you they had nuns in Antarctica". "ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM", say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the Pope, "Father, do you have black dwarf nuns in Antarctica"?

After a moment's thought, the Pope replies, "I wouldn't think so, son".

Sleepy seems very embarrassed. All the others chorus,

"SLEEPY F**KED A PENGUIN, SLEEPY F**KED A PENGUIN, ....."

Mermaid

Mermaid 

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and  he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he  too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parent's dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback  by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And  even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Magic Mirror

Magic Mirror 

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror on my door, make my bust-line forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened and in minutes they both returned.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash... and both his legs fall off.

Cinderella

Cinderella 

We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news:

The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions. Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, "You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm."

The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm.

"Well, what's the second condition?" Cinderella asked.

The fairy godmother replies, "You must be back home and 2:00 AM. Well, Cinderella explains that if she's going to go party with the princes, she wants  to be out all night long. The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2AM, then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin and reminds her that at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home at 2AM...

At 2AM, Cinderella doesn't show up...3AM, no Cinderella...4AM, no Cinderella... finally, at 5AM, Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face.

The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, "Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!"

Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies, "I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other...."