Worn Out

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Wooden Leg

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage, as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding day came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

Warming up Supper

A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires "What's wrong Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So, off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again, the husband smiles and says "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So, off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks "What the heck are you doing honey?"

To which the new bride replies "Warming up your supper!"

Vibrating

While exploring their honeymoon hotel room, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed.

"What's that for?" she asked her spouse.

"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "The bed starts vibrating,"

"Save your money, honey," she cooed. "A quarter in and I start vibrating, too."

The Best Worms

A man and his wife checked into a hotel for their honeymoon one warm June day. The desk clerk and hotel manager gave each other the 'nudge-nudge', indicating that they would never see the two of them all week long, as they would be up in the room, consummating their marriage.

But, to the managers' amazement, the new husband came down the stairs at 5:00 am, dressed in waders, with fishing poles and tackle boxes in tow. He left the hotel, and did not return until the sun was dropping beneath the horizon.

This same routine was performed for the next three days...the husband would come down the stairs early in the morning, decked out for a day of fishing, and be gone for most of the day.

The hotel manager was amazed...if his wife was as attractive as this mans wife was, he would be in bed with her all day long! So , he decided to confront the man when he returned from his day of fishing.

Around 7:30 that evening, the husband returned. Immediately, he was confronted by the hotel manager. "Sir, I must ask you...have we in some way failed you as a hotel?"

"Why do you ask", asked the husband.

"Well, Sir, every day, you leave your wife alone, to spend the day fishing. I would have expected you to spend the day with her, making love to her."

"Oh, I see what you mean", said the man. "My wife is unable to make love to me, as she has Gonorrhea"

Taken aback, the manager replied "But certainly, Sir, you could have her perform oral sex on you?"

"Can't. She has pyorrhea, and her mouth hurts her to much"

"Sir, what about Anal sex?"

"Nope. She has diarrhea"

"But Sir," said the most shaken manager. "If you wife has Pyorrhea, Gonorrhea, and Diarrhea, why on earth did you marry her?"

"Well," said the man "I like to fish, and she shits the best worms!"

Texas Couple

One day a young Texas couple decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" she replies, "Oh, I see!".

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" the husband answers, "They're roping!" she replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis. "What is that?" she asks. "That is my rope" he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks "They are my knots" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband asks "What's the matter honey?" The bride replies, "Undo those knots and give me more rope!"

Piece of Meat

There was a little boy and little girl playing in a mud box and the little boy as being a little boy playing with his goober.

The little girl was not bothering anybody she was sitting there playing with a crawfish when all of a sudden she dropped the crawfish between her legs.

The little boy had got bored and wanted to see what kind of goob the little girl had. He put his hand down between the girls legs and you can imagine what happened ... YES ... the little boy's finger was just about taken off.

The poor boy ... this gave him a complex. All through grammar school, middle school, high school, he wouldn't have anything to do with a girl. He went to college and the last year there, he met this girl and after college they got married.

They had been married now for about 6 months and the old boy came home to a crying wife.

She said, "Honey sit down we need to talk. Am I ugly? Do you love me?"

He said, "No your not ugly. And yes I love you. And why do you ask?"

"Because we dated a year in college and have been married for six months and we have not made love," she said ...

The guy said, "I am so sorry. Let me tell you a story about what happened to me when I was a kid." And he did.

The woman started laughing and said, "Honey I promise I won't hurt you!"

The guy said, "I'm sorry but if you can't love me for who I am then we need to split up."

She said, "Just let me prove it!" So she stood up, took all her cloths off and went to the kitchen and got a piece of bread. She went back to her husband and said, "Watch." She started to put the bread down there when she farted!

Her husband flew into the bedroom and locked the door. The wife beat on the door and pleaded for him to come out!!

He replied, "Oh no I told you it would hurt me! If that sucker growls over a piece of bread, just imagine what it will do to a piece of MEAT!"

Most Beautiful Night

On his honeymoon, a very thick South African Boer farmer, Piet Kruger, insisted on having a room with a balcony overlooking the sea.

On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie.

"Ag Hendrik, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she said coyly.

"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.

So Marie sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Hendrik once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Marie grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.

In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.

"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.

"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life - and I didn't want to miss a moment of it."

Missing Newlyweds

A very young couple, having limited funds, returned to her parents after the wedding for their honeymoon night. The next morning the family gathered for both breakfast and lunch without the seeing the couple.

When it came time for the evening meal, the father asked of his wife and son, "Have either of you see the newlyweds?"

The mother replied she had not seen her daughter and new son-in-law all day.

The bride's older brother replied that he had seen his new brother-in-law about 10 PM the previous evening, when he stuck his head out the door to ask if he knew where there was any Vaseline.

As the father's face took on a knowing smile, his son further added, "I couldn't find any Vaseline, so I gave him some model airplane glue."

Married a Long Time

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

Honeymoon Accident

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride called her mother from the hospital.

"Mother", she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot."

The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."

Get Rich Quick

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.

The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"

Drinking Buddies

A guy calls his old, recently married drinking buddy and asks him to get a beer after work. The newlywed protested at first, then agreed to have one beer. Several hours later, both guys are drunk, and the newlywed pukes all over himself and his shirt. He immediately begins to worry that his wife is going to kill him and never let him out of the house again. His buddy tells him, "Don't worry. Here's $40. Take a cab home with one $20, and tell your wife the some drunk guy gave you the other $20 after he puked on you, to pay for your dry-cleaning".

The newlywed decides its a good idea, and leaves the bar.

The newlywed decides to that he's okay to drive, closes one eye, and weaves his way home. His wife is angrily waiting at the door, sees his shirt and goes ballistic.

The guy gives his well rehearsed line, "Some guy puked on me and gave me 20 bucks for my dry-cleaning. Check for yourself in my front pocket."

The wife reaches into his front pocket and pulls out the $40.

She asks, "Then what is this other $20 for?"

The guy replies, "He shit in my pants, too".

Diary of a Successful New Bride

Dear Diary,

Monday;
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new
home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel
food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately."
Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to
borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake
turned out fine.

Tuesday;
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said,
"Serve without dressing." So, I didn't dress. But, Bill
happened to bring a friend home for supper that night.
Did they ever look startled when I served the salad!

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said,
"Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So, I
heated some water and took a bath before steaming
the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week.
I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the
garden by my Mom's. So I tossed my salad into the
bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the
dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I
felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put
all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right
over to my Mom's house! There must have been
something wrong with the recipe, because when I
came back home again it looked the same as when
I left it.

Saturday
Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't
know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed
back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some
little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When
Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday:
Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger.
So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast.
There must be a problem with the oven, because
it still came out a hamburger.

Monday:
I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "Mix
well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until
double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to
double in bulk!

Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week.
I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new
recipe on Bill.

Days with Letter R

The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an "r" in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday."

Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver. Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.

Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is it honey?"

She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."

Confession Before Marriage

On their way to Vegas to get married, a wife-to-be confesses to her guy that the reason they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is OK with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles further down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession that he has a penis just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is OK with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"

The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby!"

The guy replied, "It is -- 8 pounds and 21 inches!"

Can't Get Into

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."

Breakfast for the Newlywed

This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards."

The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room.

The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"

Because it's Lent

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent!"

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well,...that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!" "To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

Always Wear Something

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes Mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of." she answered. "Why?

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."