A woman goes into the small-town hardware store and tells the owner she
needs a drawer pull handle to replace a broken one.
He gets out one that matches her description and asks her "You wanna
screw for that?"
And she thinks a minute, glances around, and replies, "No, but I'll blow
ya for that toaster over there."
A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn't come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So she took him to the vet.
The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."
So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice. "How do I apply this product", she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"
The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."
She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."
"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall, ran to the toy store and asked the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she replied, "Which Barbie?" She continued, "We have Barbie Goes To The Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes To The Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes To The Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $255.00".
Ralph asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $255.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious" the sales lady said. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture".
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
Rosco was wandering through a mall one day, and he happened upon a clock shop with a gorgeous lady working at the desk.
Rosco walked right up to the desk, whipped out his penis, and put it right next to the lady.
The lady was alarmed and said, "Wait just a minute there, sir! This is a clock shop, not a cock shop!"
Rosco replied, "I know, I want you to put two hands and a face on this!"
A man walked into a fancy lingerie department and told the clerk that he wanted to buy a bra for his wife.
The clerk asked the man, "What type of bra does she need?"
"Type? There are different types of bra's?"
"Yes," the clerk responds. "There is the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type and the Baptist type."
"What's the difference?"
"Well...," the clerk answered. "The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type uplifts the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up.
At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, ya ," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.
"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.
"Well,"said the clerk, 'I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs,"
Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.
She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.
About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."
