Clock Shop

Rosco was wandering through a mall one day, and he happened upon a clock shop with a gorgeous lady working at the desk.

Rosco walked right up to the desk, whipped out his penis, and put it right next to the lady.

The lady was alarmed and said, "Wait just a minute there, sir! This is a clock shop, not a cock shop!"

Rosco replied, "I know, I want you to put two hands and a face on this!"

Bra Types

A man walked into a fancy lingerie department and told the clerk that he wanted to buy a bra for his wife.

The clerk asked the man, "What type of bra does she need?"

"Type? There are different types of bra's?"

"Yes," the clerk responds. "There is the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type and the Baptist type."

"What's the difference?"

"Well...," the clerk answered. "The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type uplifts the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Bigger breasts

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up.

At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, ya ," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

$50.00 for a Frog?

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.

"Well,"said the clerk, 'I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"

"$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman.

The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs,"

Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.

She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.

About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

Marriage to a Wealthy Arab

On a trip to the USA, a wealthy Arab fell in love with Susan. He begged her to marry him, but she refused, saying that she had no intention of leaving America to live in a desert.

Immediately, the Arab bought several grand homes across the USA, from New England to California, and he took Susan on a tour of the homes, flying her from place to place in his private jet.

Susan was impressed, and she agreed to marry him.

Six weeks later, in tears, she phoned her father and asked him to take her back home.

"Whatever for?" asked her father.

"I've married a pervert," she cried.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said. "Just come and take me home."

So her father drove to her New England home. Arriving there, richly ornate gold gates opened electronically, and he drove along a wide, straight drive lined with oaks and maples. And at the end of the mile-long drive was a building so grand that it made the White House look like a dog kennel.

He climbed the solid marble steps to huge doors, at least twelve feet tall, and there he met his daughter, waiting for him with her two bags packed and ready to go.

"Oh, father," she cried. "Take me away from here at once. I cannot bear to stay a moment longer."

Her father could not believe that she should want to leave such splendour.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asked.

"The man is a pervert!" she exclaimed.

He asked his daughter to explain this perversion that was upsetting her so.

"When I married him," she sobbed, my asshole was as tight as a penny piece, and now, it's as big as a half dollar."

"Nay," said her father. "Surely you're not go to leave all this for the sake of forty-nine cents!"

Young Woman's Confession

One day a young woman walks into the church and proceeds to go into confession.

"Father.... if I should ever see a mans penis.... what should I do?"

"Well my child you should wash your eyes out with holy water" the priest replies.

"Well.............what if I..... touch a mans penis?" the woman asks?

"Then you should wash your hands with holy water as well" he answers.

About two weeks later, the young lady is in the church and she is washing her eyes and hands with the holy water.

Just then the priest walks in, sees her and says; "Excuse me Miss.... I think I need to brush my teeth."

World War II Confession

In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father," he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."

But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."

"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk."

"Oh, thank you, Father." the man said. "But I have one more question."

"What is it?"

"Do you think I have to tell him the war is over?"

Why Men Stand to Pee

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple, that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to. Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or manning the animals I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand.

Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms."

Why Jewish are the Chosen Ones

Well, When Moses was on earth back then he was given the Ten Commandments but he was not told actually what he should do with them.

He took them to England and confronted a Pom and asked, "Would you like a Commandment?"

The Pom replied, "What's a Commandment?"

Moses took a tablet and read, "Thou Shalt Not Steal!"

The Pom replied, "Piss off, we don't want any of that here!"

Moses went to America and confronted a Yank with the same question, "Would you like a Commandment?"

The Yank replied, "What's a Commandment?"

Moses took a tablet and read, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery!"

The Yank replied, "Bug off, we don't want any of that here!"

And so Moses went on his way around the world always getting the same response until he arrived in Jerusalem.

Moses confronted a Jew with the same question, "Would you like a Commandment?"

The Jew replied, "How Much Are They?"

Moses replied, "Well....they're free!"

The Jew replied, "THEN I'LL TAKE TEN!"

Which Sermon

One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100. sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50. sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10. sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."