The Pope and Queen Elizabeth

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this".

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

The Nun

At midnight one middle age man was waiting at a train station to cross the country to back east to see his relative. As he stepped up into the train car he noticed that the car was almost empty except a young beautiful nun sat by herself reading a bible.

The man came and sat near by her hoping to get some companionship during the long ride. However, the nun was paying no attention to him. She just kept on reading bible without even looking up to him nor saying a word.

However as time went by slowly and silently, it made the man more and more anxious to start conversation. But he did not know how to start. The man then put his hand on the nun's lap.

The nun blushed with a little bit of anger. She turn around and said:

Nun : Dear sir, do you believe in god?

Man : Yes, I do.

Nun : Have you read the bible ? You know it is wrong to put your hand

on my lap. Perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page 157.

The man withdrew his hand and sat quietly till the train reached the East coast.

Next day, people found out that he shot himself in his room while the bible lay open on page 157. The line 23 read:

"Heaven is a little bit higher."

The New Nun's Secret

The New Nun's Secret

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

The New Church

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot any more, either."

The Evangelist

The sweet young thang was telling the Evangelist that she had been sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping with the neighbor.

"It's your duty to forgive him, my child." intoned the TV minister as he patted her hand and she fell into his arms gently sobbing. "But..." he added, as his grip tightened, "How'd ya like to get even with the S.O.B. first ?"

The Bum & the Pope

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. To the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back.

Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

St. Finger

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

Sleeping Around

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful. "

"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realise your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.

So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

Sisters of Mercy

A man was driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads.....

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination...drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the side of the parking lots, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads..

SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business"...he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy

Sailors in Church Service

Two British sailors attended a church service in Stockholm. Not speaking a word of Swedish, and not wishing to appear out of place, they sat behind an important looking man. When he stood up or knelt down, they did the same. At the end of the service, the pastor made what was evidently an announcement, whereupon the man in front of the sailors rose to his feet, and they did likewise - to a roar of laughter from the congregation.

As the sailors left the church, the pastor spoke to them in English, so they asked him the reason for the laughter. "Oh!" he said, "I mentioned that next Sunday morning there was to be a baptism... and would the father of the child please stand up."