Donation for Church Construction

One night in a small town, the church burned to the ground.

The following Sunday, the congregation had to hold services under a huge tent. "Please donate as much as possible," implored the minister, "so that we may start the construction on our new church as soon as possible."

Suddenly the town hooker spoke up and said, "I'd like to donate $2,500, Reverend."

The minister replied, "As desperately as we need the funds, I refuse to accept tainted money!"

A male voice in the back of the tent shouted out, "You might as well take it Reverend, it's our money anyway."

Dividing the Collection Plate

A rabbi, a priest and a minister were discussing how they divided up the collection plate after services.

The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air. All the money that landed in the circle was for God, and all that landed outside wa for himself and the parish.

The priest used a similar system. He drew a straight line on the ground, and the money that fell on one side was for God, and the other for himself and the church.

The rabbi said that his was a similar system. "I toss the offerings up in the air, and anything God can catch He can keep."

Denounce the Devil

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Confused About Jesus Christ

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Confession

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" "I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest.

"You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be? "the fellow asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

Confession II

A sixteen-year-old girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.

"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes father," she says sometime later.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

Confession

Two teenage boys turned up at church and the first went in for confession.

He told the priest he'd had sex the night before.

"Who was the girl involved?" asked the priest.

"I don't know, it was dark." replied the boy.

"Was it Bernadette McLafferty?" The boy said he still didn't know.

"Was it Theresa O'Hare.........or Rosemary McGinty?" asked the priest.

"I don't know, it was too dark." insisted the boy.

"Could it have been Anne-Marie, the baker's daughter?" asked the priest.

The boy continued to deny any knowledge of the girl's identity. Finally, the exasperated priest sent the boy away and told him to return when he could reveal the girl's name.

Outside his mate was waiting anxiously.

"Did you get absolution?" he asked.

"Naw." said his pal. "But I got 4 names for the dance this Saturday!"

Bugger Missed

A priest and his friend Bob were playing golf. The priest was playing well on the day, but his friend was having difficulty with his putting. They reached the par 3, eighth, the priest hit a good shot, but Bob hit a peach of a shot, 18 inches from the hole. The priest putted up to the hole and tapped in, for his par, seeing his chance to pull a shot back. Bob stalked around sizing up the shot, he moved from side to side as he addressed the putt, when he was finally ready he took his stroke, and pulled it to the right, "Bugger!missed!" he exclaimed.

The priest was rather shocked at him swearing. "My son" he said "God hears all obscenities". Bob apologized and they continued to the ninth. Once again the priest was playing his normal steady game, but Bob was in trouble in the rough and had no chance of reaching the green. However, he played a miracle shot, got a lucky bounce and his ball rolled and rolled stopping less that 3 feet from the hole. With even more determination than at the previous hole, he line up his shot - every thing taken in to consideration - he putted it looked good - slowly it rolled to the hole and stopped. Bob threw his putter to the ground "Bugger! missed" even louder this time.

The priest looked at his head shaking no, "my son, God hears all obscenities" no sooner had he stopped talking the sky turned black, and a bolt of lightening streaked through the air, and killed the priest where he stood. Bob looked up and heard God exclaim "Bugger missed!"

Brother in Law can Pay

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Blessings

A priest and a rabbi who are very good friends coincidentally need to buy new cars at the same time, so they decide to go shopping together.

They visit all the automobile dealers, and both of them wind up choosing to buy the same model and same make of car. They buy the two automobiles and are just about to drive them out of the dealership, when the priest says to his friend, "I have an idea. Wouldn't it be a nice gesture for each of us to bless the other one's car?"

"That's a great idea," replies the rabbi.

So the priest goes over to the rabbi's car and sprinkles it with holy water. Then the rabbi goes over to the priest's car and cuts an inch off the tail pipe.