Just Wetting my Fingers

A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty". He did this only for a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.

After a few minutes of more reading, he reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty" again. Moments later, he resumed his reading.

The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.

She got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my "kitty". I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked," Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

Just Got out of Prison

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

It's All About Timing

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she poured through a movie magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent raging erection.

Looking down at his Mr. Happy, the executive snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!" 

Interpreting Dreams

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

I'm Going

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that, then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch with his wife.

She said "And just where do you think you are going?"

He replied "I'm going too".

"Why?" She asked. He said "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year".

How to Live a Long Life

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his Cornflakes every morning.

The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Have Some Cents

The daughter was talking to her mother about her upcoming divorce.

Her mother asked "Why would you want a divorce? You have the perfect husband, the perfect house, ..."

The daughter interupted, "Well, mom, let me put it this way, my asshole used to be like a dime, now it's like a half dollar."

And the Mother said "So what, you're going to get a divorce over 40 cents?"

Hard Worker

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Golf in his Sleep

A guy and his wife are sound asleep in bed when all of a sudden the husband cracks his wife right in the head.

Wife responds "what the hell are you doing?"

Husband says "I'm playing a really tough par 5 and I just crushed my drive!"

Wife... "knock it off and go back to sleep."

Minutes later... crack... right in her head!

Wife... "now what?"

Husband... "I just drilled my three wood and I'm on the green!"

Wife... "I mean it! Knock it off and go back to sleep!"

Moments later... crack... WIFE hits HUSBAND right in the head!

Husband... "what the hell did you do that for?"

Wife... "I want you to stop using my pubic hairs to see which way the wind's blowing!"

Going Fishing

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife... Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog. The wife grimaces... But I don't like fishing! Look! We're going fishing and that's final. Do I have to go  fishing with you... I really don't want to go! Right I'll give you three choices...

1 You come fishing with me and the dog...

2 You give me a BLOW JOB....

3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again... But I don't want to do any of those things! Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!

The wife sits and thinks about it.. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back...Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass? The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind. O.K. I'll give you a blow job! Great! He says and drops his trollies....

The wife is on her knees doing the business.. she stops...looks up at her Husband... Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!

Yes! says her husband 'The dog didn't want to go fishing either.